Review: Goosebumps – It Came From Beneath The Kitchen Sink

Goosebumps
Goosebumps

We open to a family way too happy about moving in. The kid is already talking to the animal. Kids literally are incapable of good acting.

The dog, aptly named “Killer” (I know someone with a dog named this. Why not be unique and opt with a first name, like Serial or Axe?) goes insane.

The same dog bark is pipped in about 70 times, then the girl sees a sponge-pussy with teeth in the sink as we get a commercial. When we return, it’s still moving but as dad points out, with a tucked in long sleeve shirt, it must have been the light.

On a side note, I’m watching this while I shit. Very rewarding.

The girl is in the bathroom washing her…face, or the mirror, but the sponge is in here and even though she doesn’t see it, it causes her to knock over a glass thing and scream – as her idiot brother who heard neither a full scream or a shattering piece of glass, walks in, steps behind the glass, but sits down and pretends it went into his foot.

Killer vanished. The girl points out that it isn’t like Killer to run off. Yeah it is. Dogs are stupid and eat shit at times. You never know what one will do.

The girl forgets to brake her bike and (a stunt double) takes a dive. Girl takes the sponge as the black kid suggests in the name of SCIENCE keeping it to study it. Yeah, because that sounds like most black kids I know. Not sure why the girl thought half of a foot of dirt would kill this malevolent life form but it kills the garden the next day. The kids dig like dogs even though the shovel is next to them.

The supposed “expert” calls it a “garden variety home grown kitchen sponge” – implying that the natural habitat for a sponge is a kitchen.

Some psychopath is singing “You are my sunshine” in the hallway. One of the kids opts to sneak on his hands and knees into a classroom – while shining the flashlight everywhere, defeating the purpose totally. All hell breaks loose as the sponge ambushes the kids, who knock over acid. The sponge demonstrates Bane-like abilities as it begins to grow impossibly in mass. But the “You are my sunshine” song playing on the janitors walkman shrinks it – until the battery opportunely dies.

They’re required to then sing and speak positively to the sponge to defeat it. It’s bad at this point folks. Janitor wakes up and demonstrates a keen, pre-schooler’s understanding of chemical hazards by spraying the vaporous fumes with a fire extinguisher.

Girl has to keep the “gruul” as her pet, so she plays music for him to enjoy – the Goosebumps theme. Guess they couldn’t license anything. A dog barks almost in sync with the dog bark in the opening theme and yes, Killer is home. He is assaulted by poor actors who oversell how happy they are that a shitting, noise making expense has returned home.

Oh and as the family leaves, Killer drops a potato that also has a vagina with teeth. The girl screams because hopefully, she died.

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