Review: Rapture-Palooza

going deep tonight

going deep tonight

I almost didn’t watch Rapture-Palooza because Craig Robinson, who looks like Neil Degrasse Tyson, is in it.

Unfortunately, I did.

An unreasonable woman gets sent back and is still arguing over it. I could see that. Oh, we get zombies. What a shocker.

The movie blasphemes with the line “The book of Revelation got it MOSTLY right” as a crow says “Cahh, fuck you, cahh.” The crow actually made me laugh. Did Revelation get anything right, BTW?

I want a crow now.

Dads dead.

Just a hopefully never realized note – these nuclear bomb scenes would be horrific to people if one ever goes off on Americans.

At this point, the actors are filmed in a real conversation on if they make any money from this project, what they should do. They plan marriage.

The Rachel Maddow joke is good.

So the movie continues along and the anti Christ wants to have sex with the virgin. I’m not laughing a lot at this (any, except noted above). Two comedy-devoid shovel whacks.

A while later, jealous boyfriend points out that “this shit is so pieced together. It doesn’t make any sense!” regarding the Bible. True. Of course, this script is what is really pieced together.

I take two Excedrin at this point (migraine variety).

Ben tells his father the plan, since he only betrayed him once to the antiChrist in the last 24 hours. He has to hit him with a shovel a few minutes later, the gag being that his father hit…you know what? I’m not going to bother.

Listening to the plan be laid out while the brainlessly optimistic girl says nothing could go wrong reminds me of how stupid my ex was.

The TV pastor, who wasn’t raptured, is now drinking vodka on set. Every chance they get. Then the Beast is singing about how he’s going to have sex tonight. He asks his bodyguard if that makes him wet, who plays along and says “My pussy is so wet.” This is somehow awkward while the other line wasn’t.

The Beast then adlibs a song I could totally see a black guy singing. “I want to stick my dick in yo booty.” I agree with the Beast, when he says he hates peeps. They’re gross.

Weed smoking scene. Perfectly captures what it’s not like. Also, they’ve got a full jumbo ziplock bag full of probably ten grand worth of weed.

The Beast is shot several times and appears to die. Then, “Christ” returns and…is shot down by a giant laser. “God” comes down and is played by actor Ken Jeong, famous for showing off his tiny penis in the Hangover movies, and who also is part of a great WrestleCrap induction. The girl says “fuck you” to “God” as he calls the girl, who’s name I still don’t know, a whore. Then “God” and “Satan” engage in a martial arts battle and both die in…a hot tub. One of the actors implies “God” is very small.

To complete the message of the movie, everyone is left in charge. “Just live. That’s what we’re going to do.” Ben says. “That’s deep baby.” girl says.

Everyone does a lot of illegal substances ranging from marijuana to PCP, to round out a wholesome hour and 20 minutes I’ll never get back – but you don’t have to give up.

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