November 20th, 1993. Pensacola, Florida. Monotonic Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura are ready to call a night of senseless antics and questionable action. This event barely even made sense, with the goal being to team up with some of your worst enemies and win in order to advance to a battle royal. If you win THAT, out of 16 competitors, then you…get a ring. A ring on your hand, not even a wrestling ring. I don’t know what kind of ratings this event did, but I’m afraid to look because if the number is over 8 buys, I’ll be depressed that I’m human again for a month.
Jesse’s mic seems to have been printed crooked but that doesn’t stop him from laughing at how silly Tony looks.
We go to Mene Gene and FiFi, who rolls the barrel during the entire introduction – so Gene asks her to do it some more. Then he begins the first of many perverted stunts by looking at her and reacting like he reached an orgasm. Cactus Jack and Vader vs Cole (Cane) and Charlie Norris.
The event begins with Ventura calling the action “crazy” because it makes no sense. Vader and Cane (even though Cole’s name was called) both attack Jack. Harley Race repeatedly explains the rules to Vader who appears bone headed. He finally gets it…and Jack attacks him. For a while they’re on the same page. Jesse admonishes the “not bad teamwork” and really takes this from a smart man’s perspective. I’m glad. It really makes this much easier to document. Jesse notes that Vader could have won the match but didn’t, which was bad strategy. Oh it gets worse Jesse. Vader falls during his powerbomb but he still wins with it. Jack smiles at Vader. It’s probably the smartest element of the evening, considering they were bitter enemies.
We go back to Gene who is apparently kissing (or as Apple autocorrected, Judson. Wtf) FiFi and didn’t know they were pitching to him. He mentions she is pretty enough to eat and the fans pop! We get Paul Roma and Erik Watts vs Johnny B Badd and Knobbs. Did you ever think you’d see a match where Knobbs was the best ring psychologist and worker present?
The wrestlers come out to no entrance music as Ventura calls Gene a pervert. Ventura who like most of the viewing audience isn’t a total idiot, wonders what Gene is doing with FiFi while Tony sells that they were going over paperwork, lol. Ventura actually references the Okerland perverse behavior by saying Missy “is lucky he doesn’t come down here and grope her. Although knowing her, shed probably like it.”
More horrendous wrestling by Badd…and when Knobbs trips Roma, Badd gets mad and tags out! That trip did him in. Even Schiavone agrees that Missy is advising Badd right, but Johnny B Badd is stupid so he is angry at Knobbs for tripping a guy. Ventura asks who is seated next to him, as Schiavone never before this moment (or since then) was even close to this reasonable in the face of wrestling logic. Erik barely pulls a slam off. Knobbs wins with a handful of tights but Badd is angry.
Back to Okerland who is all up in FiFi’s business. We get the Shockmaster and Paul Orndorff vs Ricky Steamboat and Steven Regal. Shockmaster is leading Paula chants with the audience against his partner.
This makes no sense.
More fans demonstrate how stupid you can possibly look 20 years later, with Paula chants. Steamboat avoids winning by keeping himself from going over the top. Shockmaster leads another Paula chant as Ventura calls him stupid. Steamboat gripes more because baby faces are stupid. Steamboat like an idiot nails his own partner. Ventura misidentifies what end of the point Steamboat hit his partner with.
Next we are treated to a “press conference” where the camera is shooting over a mans shoulder (because its packed). Okerland sells that promoters from Japan, New Zealand and Australia, Great Britian, Brazil, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Des Moines, Iowa (?)…but Charlotte, North Carolina won out the bidding, of course! Hang on I have a cold. *cough*BULLSHIT*cough* In the middle of the conference, Ric Flair shows up to challenge for the title. Race says to Flair,”Involved in the first and the last” incorrectly implying that this is the last Starrcade.
Back to Okerland who is flirting again and with a pair of handcuffs, too. Awesome Kong and The Equalizer vs King Kong and Dustin Rhodes, who gets a nice pop and the only one of the group. The Kongs are really just fat guys. You should never let yourself get this fat. The worst match ever continues on way too long. One would assume Gene Okerland is practically banging FiFi over the name-barrel by now. Awesome avalanche splashes his own partner AND his normal tag partner King Fat (dumbest move of the night?) and The Natural win.
Perverted schtick with Gene and FiFi…and next it’s Sting and Saggs vs Ron Simmons and Keith Cole.
For some reason, Schiavone disagrees with Venturas joke about it being hard to tell “Which one is Saggs” between Jerry and Missy. Idiot probably still wouldn’t get it. Keith Cole has fully spiked up hair, pure early 90s. Fans chant for Missy, as the director chooses to take a close up of the can’t, proving no one cares about this whole event or match much less. Ron Simmons displays intelligence (or heel qualities) and attacks Sting viciously. Cole comes in and screws things up – to be defeated by a huge Saggs elbow, while Ron Simmons doesn’t interrupt the count for no reason. Simmons has displayed far too much intelligence and has to immediately turn heel. Schiavone steals Ventura’s line by describing the entire finish. Ventura asks Schiavone to go ahead and do that again for the replay, like a total dick. I love Jesse.
The Okerland/FiFi schtick continues as Stunning Steve Austin and Ric Flair match up to Maxx Payne and 2 Cold Scorpio. As the match begins, fans clearly do not realize that the Austin/Flair team is era-uniting and epic in its own right. At this point, I realize rodeos have been held in this arena.
2 Cold Scorpio botches a move that doesn’t break his neck, barely. Flair enters, begins a great bit of chain wrestling with 2 Cold. This match is actually quality. I like it. Gets dumb though as Flair doesn’t want Stunning Steve cheating (like he always does). He actually breaks the move, helping Scorpio and Payne. After a tag, Flair comes in and wins with the figure four.
Okerland needs to tie his shoe (under FiFis dress). Ravishing Rick Rude and Shangai Pierce vs Marcus Alexander Bagwell and Tex Slasinger (mideon). He acts mad, because he’s going against his partner. Tex Slasinger comes out, never having lifted a weight, and proclaims that he “don’t know who’s picking them names, but some bodies going to pay.” Or something. It’s stupid and he looks like he realizes it once its said.
Rude looks great, although probably from roids. He drops a loud “Son of a bitch” – the first of several audible cursings. Rude spits all over himself as the pros in the back take a close up on his mouth. Tex distracts the ref, hurting his chances to win by keeping his partner’s pin from being noticed. Jesse Ventura takes a swipe at Vince McMahon over being indicted. Tex paces back and forth, perhaps mentally taxed by the concept of Battlebowl. Shangai nails the former Cinemax porn actor with a stiff boot and powerbomb but Tex kicks his partner off of the pin! After the tag partners battle, Rude runs in and nails his neck breaker to win. He poses and somehow STILL has scum on the bottom of his mouth. The Texicans beat up Marcus Bagwell, remaining teammates.
FiFi is giving head to Okerland, or so it seems. Gene announces “Road Wore-your Hawk” and Rip Rogers vs Davey Boy and Cole, a young Booker T. Hawk can’t wait to get to the ring to hit his partner. Everyone hits Rip on the way out as the Bulldog and Hawk lock up. Hawk first wants to high five and misses Davey’s hand. A couple of clean breaks and a test of strength. Neutral baby face match-up as Cole and Davey disagree, and Cole tags in. He does a number on Hawk as the Bulldog cheers loudly for…Hawk. As Ventura says, “Don’t make no sense to me. The goal is to get to Battlebowl.” Davey Boy repeatedly yells “Come on Hawk” and starts an LOD chant. Schiavone says “I don’t understand it either.” and he will sell anything at anytime. Hawk wants to tag but his partner is knocked out – and the commentators note it. “This is one crazy match-up isnt it?” We get an extreme close up of the bad blade job scars on Smith’s head. Hawk brings in Rip Rogers and press slams him onto Cole, who kicks out – but the ref counts three anyway. “I think Davey Boy was stupid!” says Jesse. WCW shows a replay to confirm I was correct about the kick out. Pitiful.
Tony informs us that going over the top – onto the ramp – will NOT eliminate you. This is not explained to the crowd. Gene drops the mic onto FiFis tits and whispers his number to her.
The last 16 come out. Johnny B Badd goes over the top and onto the ramp and I get the impression that it was supposed to be his elimination but he of course returned to the ring – to be eliminated 1 second later.
After a while, Flair is carried out on a stretcher and Sting is left against Vader and Stunning Steve. A “whoomp there it is” chant breaks out, as Jesse correctly identifies the chant. Stunning Steve goes over the top rope…and to the ramp. Sting gets thrown onto the ramp too! This should have finished the match! In an effort to advance things along, but still appearing very stupid, Stunning Steve rolls to the floor, eliminating himself. But Sting has to go back into the ring because that would be too obvious. Sting manages to eliminate himself anyway with a Stinger splash, as Vader wins.
Schiavone wraps things fast as Vader runs to say he’s going to stay the MAN (Schiavone wins a Golden Globe at this point, when his keen acting is demonstrated by, instead of trembling in fear, grinning uncontrollably while the monster screams at him). Tony has already pitched to Gene but we never see him as he wraps super fast because apparently, WCW is out of satellite time! Goodnight everyone!