Review: Evil Dead

The Evil Dead
The Evil Dead

I decided to watch Evil Dead, from 1981. The movie is very highly rated, unusual for material I look at on this site. I’m in a pissed mood though, so who knows

Oh, I’ve never seen this movie.

Our crew narrowly avoids a wreck just a few minutes in, thanks to the steering wheel going insane. They don’t die but one of the women has the “dying look and scream” down pat. A shitty bridge almost does them in but doesn’t, and I start to get the feeling that this movie is a work of art. Night falls and a girl loses her mind while her hand does a Michael J. Fox job on the paper.

"It's a box."
“It’s a box.”

A trap door bangs but the kids are like the people I went to school with and want to forget important things and drink booze. Scotty goes missing and Ashley (Ash), played by Bruce Campbell, investigates. Scotty scares him. Scares me too. Dick head.

Things mellow out for a while. Ash and his hussy get a little alone time and we see a titty. Just as he’s about to pull the old one-eyed-monster out, the camera is outside and a suspected two-eyed-monster is looking inside. One girl gets idea to investigate and begins wandering into the creepy forest.

Here's the moon is as large as Jupiter.
Here the moon is as large as Jupiter.

The moon is so large in this shot, I begin to ponder gravitational affects it must be having on the fictional planet, but before too much thought can go into it, vines attack!

Going deep tonigh..wait. Wrong review.
Going deep tonigh..wait. Wrong review.

They’re perverted and although she resists having her titty exposed, we see it anyway. Then the vines creep up her leg and one fucks her! She looks like she may be enjoying it a little and begins screaming for it to go “harder” and “deeper.”Give me that huge cock” she says. This moment is made even more confusing as the words and moans don’t match the actors, but is subsequently clarified as I see that I left a pop-up open from a porn site I was critiquing-off to earlier.

Anyway, the girl gets back to Ash and wants to leave the camp house. Ashley leaves the car and disappears for a few seconds but returns. The girl that was raped by the tree is hysterical and would probably put out if Ash tried…but there may be splinters left from when Treebeard fucked her, so he brings her back.

"I'm about to slide a limb up that ass."
“I’m about to slide a limb up that ass.”

Suddenly, one of our female cast members floats in the air and is a zombie. She appears pretty agitated and screams some demonic, possessed material before stabbing a girl with a pencil, in the ankle. If this film had been set in the 1800s, a doctor probably would have prescribed a genital-massage to fix this form of hysteria.

"Take two of these (fingers) and telegram me in the morning."
“Take two of these (fingers) and telegram me in the morning.”

Ladies, next time your guy’s foreplay “isn’t good enough,” remember that up until about 50 years ago, you needed a doctorate to rub a girl off. (I’ve never been told that)

Anyway one of the girls becomes a zombie or does some crystal meth and after one use, looks like this:

"I got all of the bugs out of my face"
“I got all of the bugs out of my face!”

She gets chopped into pieces though, because the other kids aren’t into that shit. Ash says “Shelly is dead” revealing her name. Our guys and Linda are the only ones left now. Linda mentions how she doesn’t want to die. She becomes a zombie within three seconds of me writing the previous line.

Scotty is a zombie too. He says he doesn’t want to die as one of the zombies turns back human and the other uses a girls voice to try to fool him. These zombies are doing what my grandfather dubbed “Using that pussy” to get what they want.

Ash kills Linda (or so it seems). Seeing a loved one die can be one of the most traumatic experiences known to man, so Ash initially decides to cut her head off with a chainsaw. He doesn’t and instead opts to bury her, because he doesn’t want to have any energy left for a week. (I buried a cat once and thought I was having a heart attack by the time I got the fucking shoebox in the hole).

Ash almost gets his leg ripped off but beats the zombie hag with his huge wood. Then he goes into the basement to find out who the fuck has been flushing their tampons.

Wrap it in toilet-paper and throw it away, under a protective shield of paper so no one ever sees it.
Wrap it in toilet-paper and throw it away, under a protective shield of paper so no one ever sees it.

Camera angles start getting wacky as our protagonist begins losing his mind under the stress. He’s sporting an Ernie eyebrow, but we forgive him because of what all he’s dealing with. Ash pulls one of my favorite barfight maneuvers – the thumbs in the eye sockets!

No matter how big they are, they always drop to this one
No matter how big they are, they always drop to this one

Hepatitis is in the air as several zombies attack Ash with blood going everywhere. Ash takes some kidney hits but manages to toss the fleshy book into the fire, setting off a chain-reaction of stop-motion-animation death for the zombies. One of the campers is revealed to have been hiding a sleeve full of oatmeal.

Caught, oat-handed
Caught, oat-handed

It might seem a bit weird to carry around porridge up your sleeve, but you really never know when you might encounter The Three Bears.

The gory-demise of our evil friends continues. Ash gets his face completely covered in blood but since this was shot in the early 1980s, the government had only recently invented AIDS to kill off the gays and it wasn’t really a worry yet. Then, for reasons unknown, we then see an appetizing shot of a Taco Bell meal I don’t yet know the name of.

Someone left their 4th Meal out.

Daylight appears and Ash emerges from the cabin. He’s conquered the demon forces…but some kind of evil is lurking and charges through the cabin and out the front door, just in time for Ash to turn around and scream! That’s how horror movies end, you see.

This movie ruled. Even though I began watching it while in a near rage, thanks to a mathematician at Sonic trying to charge me $46 for a burrito, I found myself almost totally non-homicidal 10 minutes in. The beginning of the movie is awesomely funny. Watch it, read the review and tell me if you like it (the movie, not the review. I know my shit is good).

If you open a book and see this, close the damned book.
Moral of the Story: If you open a book and see this, close the damned book.

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