Review: Friday the 13th – Part 5 – A New Beginning

A lot about this franchise haunts me.
A lot about this franchise haunts me.

After Friday the 13th 4, it looked like we were done with this series. Hollywood thought so, too. That’s why it took countless amounts of time spent developing the right script, character ideas and plot points.

It was released the year after the last one.

I hope Jason didn't pay for that headstone. It sucks.
I hope Jason didn’t pay for that headstone. It sucks.

Two minutes in and some yelling, hollering rednecks decide to dig up Jason’s grave. Graves are only a foot deep in this universe, by the way. Jason then sits up out of the grave, worms in his eye socket. He kills both thugs and walks toward young Tommy. Then, Tommy shouts “No” and it echoes so its a dream.

Tommy is an adult now. We know it because the van he’s riding in is of the same era as before, oh but he’s 15 years older. Right. Tommy arrives at a halfway house. Tommy is scared by a young black man. If Barack Obama had a son, he would probably look like this young black man.

Funny enough, Tommy brought his Hillary Clinton mask:

Hill-bag
Looks just like old Hill-Bag

Then a guy who has never split logs before lays the log FLAT and totally mutilates it for no possible reason other than exercise.

Not how you split logs for firewood
Not how you split logs for firewood

Then a shit eating fat ass comes up and is so annoying, the guy actually surprised me! He kills him! LOL.

Just wanted to include a photo of this guy so you knew how bad he was.
Just wanted to include a photo of this guy so you knew how bad he was.

Tommy watches the whole thing. Then, as all of the kids are STANDING AROUND THE BODY, some dipshit EMT comes up and fucking lifts up the sheet!

Nothing gruesome under here! Just a mangled body.
Nothing gruesome under here! Just a mangled body.

These kids are mentally fucked. The EMT calls them all pussies and pops some bubble gum, which grabs all of the particles in the air that touch the bubble and brings them back into your mouth. So if you shit and pop bubbles…

The guy in the car commits an act deserving of murder – he honks the car horn while another guy is under the hood, working on it. One of them is then killed as an off screen attacker sticks a road flare in his open mouth.

A death avoidable by the advanced, martial arts tactic of "stepping back"
A death avoidable by the advanced, martial arts tactic of “stepping back”

One of the dumbest looking deaths in the series. As his stupid ass friend acts like a tweaking meth addict and chews his gum twice a second, his throat is cut by machete from behind.

The kids all lie and say they miss the fat, annoying guy that got murdered. Look, it sucks that people die but there’s no reason to lie. Then, a guy scares Tommy and slaps his arm and fake punches him multiple time. Tommy whips his fucking ass! He really did need it for that too.

Our first breasts are exposed. A man does cocaine on film in a moment that only suggests cocaine is fun and does little for the story. Coke was a lot more prevalent in the 1980s though, so its likely the crew had a mountain of it nearby.

Someone throws a cat at a booth-table in a restaurant, causing Titty to scream about a Kitty. The coke head gets his head chopped with an ax. Boobs takes an ax to the chest, but both of these deaths are largely off-screen, so they look decent.

The hired-hand creep watches the young-couple have sex and is murdered. The guy runs to scrub his dick off and the chick gets killed by large hedge clippers. We see the death and the assailant we are assuming is Jason kills her with a cut through the eyes!

Free bonus: Nip
Free bonus nip included

Then we see the results of this guys front two teeth being knocked out – and poor dental work being done to fill it in.

Chocolate gums!
See if you can spot the porcelain teeth

“Jason” tightens the strap until it cuts through choco-gum’s eyes.

The kids leave the halfway house to go on a truck drive with overly dramatic music played. The young black man introduces the older white lady as his girlfriend, likely losing several viewers in the racist crowd. Tommy beats the shit out of another guy who needs it and runs off.

Michael Jackson takes a shit. Then, both black people start singing to each other. All black people think they can sing. Nina gets her throat cut – but swallows when the camera is on her, flexing her throat muscles!! Skills.

The redneck who’s ass got kicked earlier is riding around on his bike and gets his head lopped off. Then his garbage mom dies via hatchet to the face.

The deaths keep on rolling with the old machete through the bed on a girl. Then, a girl barely even gets stabbed but I guess just doesn’t have much life force and she dies instantly.

Note the blood already coming through the shirt, pre-stab
Note the blood already coming through the shirt, pre-stab

All of the bodies are found in Tommy’s room as Jason breaks through the door. His mask doesn’t have the ax wound from previous movies though. The terrified young black man and his white girlfriend find Ecto 1, but the driver is dead. Jason continues his trajectory-defying pursuit.

There's that car again!
There’s that car again!

A man is stabbed through the skull into a tree, fortunately directly in the horrified lady’s path.

(I've heard a BC powder will assist here
I’ve heard a BC powder will assist here

The woman wants to die so she falls down, crawls one foot at a time, then doesn’t attempt to get up. Interesting, at this point in the review, Apple autocorrects the word “crawl” to “Carlos.” The female actress clearly doesn’t want to open her mouth all-the-way, but were hearing someone screaming at the top of their lungs (with their mouth open all the way).

She's not saying "Ahh." She's saying "Ehh."
She’s not saying “Ahh.” She’s saying “Ehh.”

Suddenly, like in the last stupid movie, a child comes to save the day. The young, 7 year boy, proficient in the use of heavy machinery, drives a front-end loader through a barn.

So realistic!
So realistic!

You know, if Barack Obama had a son, he would look a lot like him.

13part5 12
“I’m drivin this front end loader n shit”

The boy then drives one mile per hour with the loader, toward Jason, who is incapable of moving more than one step. You’ll also note the driver of the front-end-loader is an adult with his hoodie pulled shut. Both of the morons then walk over to Jason and wait for him to wake up. Of course, he does – and they get away, only to enter a barn that was housing heavy machinery.

Jason opens a door and the girl emerges with a chain saw, gas powered, instantly started with no warning. She pushes him back a little, but the chainsaw dies. She then has difficulty starting it, like any woman really would with a gas powered chainsaw.

Tommy finally appears. I really was worrying that the gag was, Jason was not really Jason, but someone disguised in a mask. Despite us clearly seeing his burned, warped flesh. He lets Jason gash his chest but then, somehow pulls out a pocket knife, opens it and stabs Jason in the leg BEFORE Jason can swing once more! Wow. This movie makes no sense.

Jason searches for the red-clad youngster and the lady shows back up to fight the seriously-inept Jason, once more. We then see that they are fighting on a Mortal Kombat level.

Good thing those are there.
Good thing those are there.

Just as the girl appears to be doomed, her young comrade jumps at Jason’s back, shouts “Raw!!” and hits Jason with a Fatality. Child actors. But Jason didn’t die! He caught himself and grabs the young boys ankle (for like the 9th time. What’s he want with this kid?) Tommy chops his arm off, sending him over the edge. and his mask comes off, revealing…

FATALITY!!
FATALITY!!

That he was the sheriff. Hidden in a Jason costume so realistic, it looked like the previous movies’ actual Jason costume (because it was!) The mask falls off and lays next to the body for the taking.

We learn the sheriff did it because the fat, annoying guy Joey was actually his son. The dumb cop wanders aloud “I don’t know why he kept it covered up?” Yeah I can’t imagine either, idiot. Isn’t it everyone’s dream to have a total moron for a child?

The girl thanks Tommy, who loses it and stabs her! But it was a dream. Tommy lays back down…only to see the real Jason standing over him. But he fades away. Tommy opens a drawer and pulls out the hockey mask from the crime scene. He jumps out the window, as the girl walks in.

But the door closes and he is behind her! And…short!

Short Jason!
She’s going to get stabbed in the ankle by this little guy!

And that’s all for this time as the credits roll.

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