Review: VHS 2


VHS surprised me with how good it actually was. It was horror! VHS 2 attempts to capitalize on that with another chilling experience. And within seconds of the movie beginning, we get to see beautiful boobs. But will a set of tits save this movie from sucking a set of balls?

A private dick and his assistant are looking for a missing college student, so he breaks in to an abandoned home with a bunch of staticy TVs. They see blood so they split up – not good reasoning. Then, as the creep looks at them from the (obvious) door, the girl decides to watch some VHS’s!

We get the sense that this is cheesy when the bad acting guy has a video camera eye installed in his head. He isn’t warned ahead of time that he can’t shut it off. He goes home and starts seeing dead people.

Then, Clarissa shows up to explain it all. It’s instantly dark after she arrives. I notice a bandage on her wrist and suspect she’s already dead but we get a horror scene and she drowns. He decides to cut his eye out and use The Lord’s name in vain. The eye is still functional – and the ghost man makes him eat it.

The next VHS features an Asian man with a helmet cam. He encounters a vagrant woman who is homeless and running a scam where she acts sick, then attacks him. It’s best to avoid the homeless for this very reason. They’re erratic (not to be confused with erotic).


Anyway, the guy vomits blood and dies. Some timely, poor actors show up on bikes and they get bitten, becoming zombies too. We see a first person perspective of some guts-eating. Then, a guy THROWS his ball bat at the zombie. Because that’s probably good. To throw your weapon at the zombie. Then, a majorly inept guy with a gun goes down before our first person Asian zombie kills himself.

Private eye then leaves the girl to go to the drug store. She didn’t want to go and like many men today, this guy wouldn’t correct the foolishly misbehaving woman with swift action, as a man was born to do. She’ll be angry then, but if she’s not a sorry selfish bitch, she will thank you later for helping her to make the right choice in the heat of the moment.

Once, my lady and I were late for a flight and it was departure time when we weren’t even through security. She was gaggling like women do with anyone that’ll listen and I ran up, grabbed her hand and said shut up, we’ve got to go. We ran at top speed (I was dragging her, as I was in prime condition) and walked on as they shut the plane door, I kid you not. She thanked me because we would have missed the flight even 10 seconds later. There are males and then, there are MEN.

Anyway, back to this fucking movie. Pol Pot enjoys a glass of snake milk and explains some wild theological beliefs of he and his cult. They show up at the cult compound and a girl gives them a voodoo doll. The interview begins and the girl finds out she is pregnant by her boyfriend’s coworker.  He hears. Then, the cult begins a ritualistic ceremony involving handing out cups to all the children. I smell a mass suicide. The cult leader is in maniac mode and we see a throat-cutting. I would have punched this Asian once and crushed his sternum.  The mass suicide takes place and at this point, it’s 90 to nothing. Lots of killing, shotgun blowing a face off, executions. The leader explodes and a creature runs out. Obviously, this cult has been deceived by Satan and something similar to the evil one’s form comes out of the woman. It pursues the guy who carries a camera the entire time. Then, the goofy looking creature catches him and ya know.

Talks to him.

The moron gets back to find the girl unconscious. He screams for help – in a strange house. Logic.

Eventually, we get an alien abduction short movie and a guy, who survived blowing his brains out (likely Liberal), then kills the private eye. I think the girl was a zombie or something, too. Anyway, kind of fun but pure cheesy and stupid. Not the worst thing I’ve seen.

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