How news would unfold if the Hitman: Absolution universe were reality


I got the platinum trophy on Hitman: Absolution pretty fast – not because it is a good game but because I wanted to get done playing it and never touch it again. I hated this game and instead of reviewing it, I decided to write some news stories based on how things might unfold in the Hitman: Absolution style of reality.


A hostage situation turned ugly today – as the suspect took more than 15 seconds to let the hostage go. 40 officers opened fire for upwards of 10 minutes, which was 9 minutes and 55 seconds too long, since the suspect AND hostage were both killed instantly.

“We knew going into that mess that we only had 10 seconds to make our move. That’s just how we were programmed. With no patience or regard for human life (or logic)” said one of the officers.



A marathon runner came within seconds of setting a new record today but was cut short by unfortunate events no one could have anticipated.

As John Runner was rounding the last corner, he suddenly slowed down to .1 mile per hour, as though an unseen gravitational force was attracting him to the corner itself.

“Even though I did nothing different than on the rest of the run, I just became slow for no reason.” Runner said.

Scientists are trying to discover why.


Pure lies.
Pure lies.

A suspect is wanted in the deaths of several innocent bystanders.

The man, dressed in a chicken suit, opened fire in a crowded square, killing 9. When police began pursuing him into an alley way, with a large dumpster, they lost him. Even though there was no where he could have gone in the alley way, with a large dumpster capable of hiding a human being inside it, the area was searched for only a brief moment.

Investigators used professional techniques far too complicated for the untrained eye to understand. They looked left, then right.  Then, being extra thorough, the officer looked left again.

One witness commented that they even saw the suspect peeking out of the dumpster, but authorities were seemingly oblivious to this.

A man in a chef’s uniform, carrying a dog bone, was seen leaving the alley way shortly afterward.


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