Review: A Nightmare on Elm Street (the first one)


The great thing about 80s horror movies is that you were guaranteed to see tits. A Nightmare on Elm Street is no exception.

Out of the gate we get a nightmare. Girl wakes up and her moms hair is shitty hell

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A young Jack Sparrow.

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The ugly girl fucks the guy loudly and I’d have told them – keep it down! It ain’t that good.

The movie is pretty cool for 80s nonsense. Captain Jack Sparrow falls asleep – on a shitty old waterbed no less.

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I guess the girl lays some Home Alone stuff down, with her grey hair. This should work against a supernatural demon. She says a prayer. Good idea if you want nothing to happen.

Everyone is falling asleep instantly, so this universe will likely never be a big one for Ambien sales.

The girl brings Freddy back to reality. He is able to function without a musculoskeletal structure or circulatory system in reality. The deputy is stereotypically stupid and says “Everything is under control.” And these strawberry Whoppers I am savoring? Sexual.

The girl with 97 teeth defeats Freddy by…not believing in him. She walks out of a bedroom into the yard and into an ugly ass car. Her tan mom gets yanked through a window. Yep.

This made no sense.


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