Grand Theft Auto Online is shit

gtaonline_box_xbox360

As much as I want to enjoy it, because it is a great concept, here are all of the reasons why GTA Online is shit. And what’s funny is, I need to take a shit while writing an article about shit. This could get muddy (turd joke).

Every time I am doing anything, the stupid phone rings and I have to answer it or reject it – or risk accidentally answering it and losing control of everything. You can’t ride a bike in this game and expect not to answer the phone 69 times, causing you to stop pedaling.

Somehow, a player can be in a tank killing all other players and not be a bad player.

Someone at Rockstar thought it would be cute to make lights blurry at night. It’s overdone and makes it impossible to see at night. I have to turn my car lights off to see.

The menu system is so poorly designed, when you join a job after completing a previous one, there is no “Exit” button. You must open another menu, any, then back up a screen and it is there. I can’t see shit on this game.

Did I mention the text is so small, even on a 55 inch LED, that it is mostly illegible? What percentage of players are playing on shitty TVs? 75%? What was Rockstar thinking here? There isn’t even an option to change it!

Weapon selection sucks in this game. You hold down the spongy trigger, pull up a menu, then use your joystick to select the gun. Fair enough, even though it is impossible to get the gun you want all of the time. But you never have the same gun when you get in a car and then get back out. Once, I had an assault rifle equipped. I get in a car and a bit later, see a guy coming at me. I get out just in time to pull out…my first level pistol. I wish you could throw those guns away, after buying new ones – or display them in your home. I don’t need 75 guns on me at all time and that’s not realistic anyway.

You can get out of a vehicle (hearing the engine continue to run) but no matter what, your guy will start the car for 8 seconds, getting you killed. Sometimes the engine will stall. Even though it was just on.

A certain demographic seems not to understand that other players exist in this game. Stop plugging in your headsets and laying it next to the speaker of the game or your stereo that is playing NWA at an unacceptable volume for most rental units. Go into options and disable voice chat volume if you don’t want to hear it! Don’t make every player that ever encounters you do that. I can’t join a match without having to mute one of these fools. I swear that I just let a fart out, opened a pre-heated oven and it cooked the fart. It smells like burned hairy corn flakes in here.

Every time you log in, if you are sitting on a couch, you have to tap the button to stand up multiple times. Guaranteed.

The auto aim is a total shit-joke. You can have a cop shooting you a foot away and auto aim at no one or a civilian walking 30 miles away.

The running/walking ability is shit on this game. You can get hung up on any edge of any object and be screwed. You can get out of a car and get stuck on the car door. Don’t worry though, just go into cover (likely in an angle contrary to what you had intended and needed).

Most chats consist of an 8 year old arguing with a black guy who has no restrictions on trash talk to a child. He also uses the word nigga freely, a transgression worse than what will cost an NBA owner with cancer his team ownership rights.

The game world vanishes and renders while you’re standing next to something so much, you know this game wasn’t quality checked much.

Vehicles are one of the worst designed parts of the game. They all weigh about 300 pounds and fly around/slide around RIDICULOUSLY.

The options/start menu is horribly designed too. Too many different menus with too little options. Some flat out don’t work: the radio station option doesn’t make a crap – even in your car. I have radio turned completely off but anytime I get in a vehicle including my own, the radio is on.

A year after the game has launched there are still no signs of heists in the game. They’re coming soon though! Oh ok! Shitty way for Cockstar to make people hold on to the game – draw out the development of things it was supposed to have already. When a game developer has to put things in their updates like “Heists are coming soon!” It means they’ve taken too long to put them in.

The cover system is a total random joke. 50% of the time, you will end up on the wrong corner, fully open to an enemy.

The game crashes ALL THE TIME. Usually when you’ve got a lot of money and it may not have saved. It will crash two or three times per day you play it.

The emergency brake actually slows you down less than the regular brake. It has no stopping power and just causes spin.

You may be driving with perfect skill but the game will load a car or light pole on your way last second and you’re screwed. Or the ground will vanish and you’ll freak out like a bad dream. Anytime you begin to turn or spin even a little, while you may be using the accelerator, your tires stop spinning and your car loses all momentum. Exactly the opposite of reality.

The auto invite feature basically just invites whoever you’re in a game or friends with. Usually you wait forever.

I hate this blurred out effect on this game so bad.

Passive Mode still allows you to be killed.

The controls suck.

Why would there not be a hidden arsenal in your house instead of you carrying 75 weapons at once?

Vehicles have NO weight.

You can’t see things or people in the distance because the game doesn’t load them. The game sucks.

Grand Theft Auto Online is horrible. No quality and Rockstar doesn’t even try, as is evident with the lack of heists.

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6 thoughts on “Grand Theft Auto Online is shit”

  1. Thank you so much. Someone had to point out what a half-baked mess GTA Online is. Most people are hailing it as the second coming, but I was completely appalled by the absolute lack of a real matchmaking system. You can only get into a game/job by trying to join one in your session or joining someone from your friends list. But that’s it. There’s no global matchmaking. At all.

    This is fucking unacceptable, even the shittiest most derivative COD clones have figured out global matchmaking.

    Like

  2. Finally someone has the balls to say it like it is. Gta online is a five-star cluster f**k. Last time I checked video games are supposed to be fun,no fun to be had in glitch theft auto

    Like

  3. GTA 5’s controls are stuck in the past, it’s so awkward to run and aim or drive and aim because I have to vulcan death grip my fucking controller

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank god I’m not the only one! Good luck doing a hiest if you have no friends or any that own the game. Sure you can play with randoms but they always leave. Playing every single mission won’t even give you enough money to by anything. Oh a harmful glitch that actually makes the game worth playing sure lets patch it. (Gate launch)

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