Sleep rules


I love sleeping. It rules. It’s very productive and is a natural remedy for AIDS. How, you ask? Well, if instead of having sex with a person with AIDS, you take a nap, you won’t have AIDS. Tada.

I thought about ending the article there. That would have been funny.

Sleep is one of life’s underappreciated joys. If you’re in a bad mood and take a nap, you often aren’t in a bad mood anymore. If someone dumps you and you’re really sad about it, just sleep. When you wake up, you won’t really care that much.

Depressed? Take a snooze. I’ve never been depressed, then taken a nap, and still been depressed.

I don’t like to yawn because it is gross and undisciplined. However, when my body is forcing out yawns, it means one thing: SLEEP TIME. Got an annoying kid? When they take a nap, they aren’t as annoying. But you should still be responsible and give them spankings. Even if they behave.

If you ever need something fun to do and can’t decide what it is you want to accomplish, just take a nap. Last night, I had a dream that I met Ronda Rousey while she was at a UFC event. I told her that I could take her, something I’m still confident in. She liked it and we hung out later but were attacked by aliens. I shot them with a super powered laser gun until it ran out of lasers (?) and then I shot them with an odd 4-bullet .44 magnum. I had to run find some more bullets because I ran out. I hit the alien ship on the tail end perfectly and as it came back around for another pass, I blew it out of the sky with a volley of shots. Then, Ronda and I started dating. It wasn’t a filthy dream but we did kiss and wow, I fell in love. Then, she broke up with me! And even worse, I woke up around then and couldn’t go back to sleep to repair our dream relationship. Pretty sweet dream. If my kid ever pulls a Barack Obama and writes a book called “Dreams from My Father,” he better include this or I will posthumously disown him through a secret will.

I’m still depressed over the fact that she dumped me. Know what that means? Time to go to sleep.


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