Review: Noah

noah

Noah sucked

The rock people that look like they were animated in the 1980s Clash of the Titans are stupid. Action League Now! had better animation. So fallen angels helped Noah build the ark? Stupid.

Better than Noah. Also, stupid arm.
Better than Noah. Also, stupid arm.

Noah becomes a sociopath for no reason.

We see a big evolution moment where the Big Bang makes everything. I almost expected monkies to turn into people.

When two actors from another popular movie are recast like here, with Russell Crowe and Jennifer “Big Bush” Connely, it makes me think of a different movie the whole
time (A Beautiful Mind ).

Noah is an action hero now and kills people. He lets the girl Hamm rescued get trampled.

I am now going to be a villainous murder because...movie.
I am now going to be a villainous murderer because…movie.

When Hermione took a prehistoric birth control test, I almost slapped myself.

The King gets on the ark inexplicably and there is a big battle. He punches Noah’s son for no reason and this gets him killed.

We see the twins – maybe the worst CG babies ever.

Noah decides last minute to not want to kill the babies, basically just being a jerk.

Noah’s beard looks like he just ate out the Penguin from Batman Returns.

We see some little gazelle giving oral to an older one. Noah has his hair styled and makes the old lady start gardening. I guess everyone ended up being incestous to have kids?

What’s up with the golden rock explosive stuff? What is that?

Noah wraps a snake skin on his arm, assumingly satan’s, and blesses the babies with it. The movies director claims credit for writing this mess.

I recommend watching Noah if you want to take a nap while telling your friends that “Yes, I saw it and hated it too.”

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