Review: Terminator 3 – Rise of the Machines

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Terminator 3 is awful. It’s a direct copy from T2 and it isn’t a good one.

I sort of like the opening introduction to John Conner, played by dope head Nick Stahl.Why does the “TX” say “I like your car.” Or “I like your gun.”? What’s the point in that?Claire Danes delivers the most head-slap-worthy line of the movie – “I hate machines.” – about a barcode scanner no less. “I hate technology” would have been a better line.We see actual footage of Nick Stahl stealing drugs. The T800 appears in the desert and goes to a bar, ala T2. Its a male strip bar though. He acquires the exact same outfit as the last movie. He doesn’t like the glasses and stomps them. Then, he breaks open the window of the oldest truck ever. The truck has a car alarm likely not invented until decades after it was made. Then Arnold/T800 does something that bothers me. He checks the visor. In T2, the T800 only did that after a sequence where John Conner taught him to. Why would this totally different terminator do that?

The TX kills Jose Barerra who, for no reason, has his full name on his name tag. She kills some ugly kid at a party too.

John Conner now holds his gun sideways, like a gangsta. The TX licks blood because her facial recognition doesn’t work now. The TX orgasms when she finds John Conner’s blood. For no reason the T800 shows up to this location. He fails to use the line “My mission is…to protect you.” Which he used in the trailer.

The TX can now infect vehicles and remotely shift their gears, a process needing a physical hand. The crane vehicle has impossible momentum through this chase. The T800 kicks the ambulance hard enough to flip it but not kick a hole in it. This crane is way too slow to keep up with the Toyota. The crane crashes and about twice as many wheels as it has fly off.

The TX kills Brewster’s fiancé with a saw tool for no reason. The Arnold terminator takes them to Sarah Conners grave to get guns and cops show up INSTANTLY. They had no way of knowing where they were headed. Arnold doesn’t kill anyone but he isn’t under orders to. T2, once again. The TX could have killed Katherine but decides to morph back just to do it.

A Xenadrine ad appears in the form of a semi truck. It is some of the worst product placement in cinema history.

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Terminator jeopardizes everything by revealing the future and John Connors death (which should have immediately stopped it). In the military system complex, a Goldeneye 007 alarm goes off. “She’ll be back.” Arnold shoots grenades at the TX but the grenades do not explode. The T1, which sucks and is ugly, appears to be made of plastic. Arnold somehow shoots a gun tied into the machine. Guess they left a trigger on it. General Guy tells Connor to get the red “envelope” but he grabs a red binder. The general dies after saying a million lines and maybe the lowest yield missile ever crashes into his office. It blows up…a wall.
The terminators tilt their heads at each other. Stupid. They fight so ineffectively. At no point do they attempt to just snap each other’s neck. The TX stomps Arnold’s head off AND infects him too. Kate Brewster (awful name) kills a Hunter-Killer. The 007 Goldeneye alarm is back. John Connor suddenly can work a super collider. We continuously get camera zoom-in shots of people’s faces reacting. Arnold terminator wakes up like he was knocked out. He snaps his head back on, like that would work.

He can suddenly resist the TX infection but still tries to kill John Conner by…throwing him a bunch. The latex mask that should be steel continuously folds and bends with his jaw movement. He starts beating up a car for no reason. Kate gets up and the toolbox, which was bent before, is no longer bent. Kate should have a serious concussion but is fine.

Connor shoots a clip randomly into the bunker. No reason. The TX knows where they were headed, inexplicably. Arnold crashes his chopper into her. Then, he says “I’m back” and it’s dumb. Arnold holds the blast door open with one hand, grabs the TX with another and…pulls his nuclear power cell out with a third hand. The door should have closed on them but did not.

We see an elevator straight out of Resident Evil. Conner is able to hobble on a totally shattered ankle. He could not do this even with adrenaline. Connor takes too long to unplug the C4 timer

So Skynet became self-aware yet for some unknown reason it had unfolded a giant plot to take over long before that point by infecting all tech systems. That makes no sense and neither does this junk movie. I was so pissed when this ended in theaters, I threw my soda at the movie screen.

 

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