Review: Hours

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Hours sucked. The title is about something you won’t get back when this movie is over.

Hours is a movie I could have gone my whole life without seeing. I blame my friend for making me watch it and if you’re reading this, I’ll never forget this day.

Paul Walker, who has never been in a good movie (and never will be), plays a boring guy who gets left behind in Hurricane Katrina. For those of you who don’t remember, that was the Hurricane George Bush sent to New Orleans to destroy the blacks. Walker’s wife dies in childbirth but the baby is saved and put on a ventilator. The power goes out and the ventilator runs on batteries…which only have 3 minutes worth of charge left, conveniently.

Walker finds a generator the first time he looks for one and for over 2 days, he cranks it every 3 minutes to recharge the aging battery. I could have probably done this for an hour before giving up. Sometimes, he goes down stairs into the generator room, somehow getting there in half the time that is left on the clock. The…baby case? has no wheels and can’t be moved, evidently. Walker, who I believe was on the first floor, is able several times to run to the ROOF and back down to the floor the child is on without the less-than 3 minutes ever expiring. It’s dumb movie-making at its best.

At one point, Walker has inexplicable medical knowledge and gets a random German shepherd to go RETRIEVE A BABY IV BAG. I hated this moment. Dogs are dumb and this dog probably would have ran off to smell something stinky, then lick it if no one was watching.

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Some guy who looks like he was on MAD TV (which I absolutely hated) shows up to rob Walker of his brownies. The dog attacks the man and after a struggle, the man (who had two bullets in his gun) takes off and escapes. A few thugs show up looking for drugs and Walker kills them both, after one threatens to kill him and the other actually tries to with a gun barrel in his face. This was done to make Walker look like a good guy, because if he had just killed them, some people would have thought he was bad. Every person in the room, led by me, agreed that we would have killed the men on sight. I actually vowed to kill them if I ever see them in everyday life. Everyone got quiet after I said that.

At no point in the movie does the baby do anything helpful or useful. Typical of a baby. I was mad at it.

As you would expect, Walker fails to get the ventilator back on just in time for the baby to…start crying. This means the baby is going to live. Walker has the nastiest chapped-lips ever. The movie ends with that…and with me thinking about this:

idiot
idiot
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