Wrestlemania 2 was a train wreck


Wrestlemania 2 was garbage. It’s hard to watch today. I got my hands on the original PPV broadcast and am reviewing it.

“What the world has come to.” That sucks. Some porn music plays. The 3 cities idea was horrible as was the decision to film this on my family’s 1980s camcorder.

Fireworks going off behind a still image of Hogan, with tape on his ribs. Stupid.
Fireworks going off behind a still image of Hogan, with tape on his ribs. Stupid.

Ray Charles sings something. Doesn’t sound like America the Beautiful to me. Maybe he couldn’t read the lyric sheet. Audio problems happen at the get-go.

Piper cuts a racist promo and threatens to be gay if he loses.

McMahon pitches to some comments from Mr Wonderful, which we hear, but we see the match between Paul Orndorff and Don Muraco happening already. Senseless error. I couldn’t be less interested in the match and go fix breakfast. Something happens and the bell rings, we get a bullshit chant and there is a lot of confusion. A double count out for the opening match, way to get it started. Howard Finkel never announces and looks stupid.

Mr T starts running his mouth and I have no clue what he’s saying. In the middle of it, we hear Finkel announce the double count-out.

Next, George “The Animal” Steele vs Randy “Macho Man” Savage. An insane amount of cops lead savage and Elizabeth to the ring. Steele looks hideous. Macho cheats and wins. The ring is filthy.

We go to Gene Okerlund and he and John Studd and some football player posture.

Susan St. James looks hot.

Jake the Snake vs HG Wells. Actually George Wells. Wells gets a little offense in but it’s a quick win for Jake. We get to see the snake, still pretty new to the audiences. It kills Wells and then eats him. We watch for 26 minutes as it digests Wells.

The interview between Ventura and Hogan is awesome. They hate each other.

Joan Rivers is here. So is Darrel Dawkins, someone you’ve never heard of. It’s uncoordinated and Rivers brings the judge into the ring but Howard Finkel tells her not to. The next judge we’ve never heard of. Then, fucking G Gordon Liddy is a judge!!! Some sissy guy named Herb is the timekeeper. Rivers is sucking as the announcer. Mr. T comes out with Joe Frazier. Around this time, I notice I’m sweating. Piper is probably coked out and has said he hated T here. Roddy acts like a piece of shit, but I sometimes suspect it isn’t acting. Round 2, and the gloves look like weather balloons. Piper knocks Mr T down and the crowd goes nuts. He gets up. A Roddy chant breaks out. Round 2 ends. Bob Orton throws water on T. Just as Round 4 begins Piper tries to hurt him with the stool. The crowd loves Pipers body slam. Mr. T wins but this shit sucked.

14 for a shirt and 6 for a program.

Gorilla Monsoon and Mene Gene are in Chicago. Cathy Lee Crosby is doing color commentary. She admits this is her first wrestling event in person. Chet Coppock as ring announcer

Moolah whips Velvet McIntyre’s ass. We almost get to see a nipple. She adjusts mid-sell though. Fake. Moolah wins it in a few minutes. I think she really whipped her.

We hear booes galore as ugly Crosby, Gene and Gino talk. We cut to the ring and find out why – Classy Freddie Blassie!!! As Corporal Kirshner comes out, the feed is lost and we have static. It comes back on Kirshner, who wins a short match over Nikolai Volkoff to the crowd’s big pop.

Mene Gene is reintroduced to a large pop. He was so over. He introduced Clara from the Wendy’s commercials you probably have never heard of

Of course, she screws up and swings the microphone when saying “Where’s the beef.” so we can’t hear it. Huge pop for Dick Butkiss. No so much for Ed Too Tall Jones.

And now, the battle royale! The two biggest pops were William The Refrigerator Perry and Andre the Giant, respectively. The match is a total mess. Too many are in the ring at once to see anything. It comes down to the Hart Foundation and Andre the Giant. Andre hits a boot on the Anvil, who then turned 90 degrees to the right and went out. Andre wins.

The British Bulldogs come out with Ozzy Osbourne. They challenge for the tag titles against Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake, the alleged gay lover of Hulk Hogan. The Bulldogs win the belt, exciting the crowd. Dynamite Kid takes an awful bump. I just want that into it.

How is it that I still have half of the show to go? Dammit.

Time for the LA portion. By the way you can tell the 3D graphics were VERY ambitious, meaning they sucked.

Someone decided booking Ricky Steamboat vs Hercules would be a good match. Steamboat wins

The camera cuts to Jesse who asks the producer “right now?” Then he pitches to an interview. The audio is out. We just see video. Then we cut to the ring. Then, we hear the interview.

Uncle Elmer vs Adrien Adonis. What. Were. They. Thinking??? Adonis wins after the almost miss his finisher on camera.

We go to the Hulk Hogan interview, again, but it works this time.

The ring announcer is Tony the Tiger himself, Lee Marshall. Terry and Dory Funk vs JYD and Tito Santana. I dare you to count the seconds of JYD’s wedgie ass we get to stare at. Terry Funk beats JYD and a #CancelWWFNetwork trend reaches number 1 on Twitt..wait. No, people just boo and get over it. Hint. BTW, JYD got beat in big matches a lot in WWE. A bullshit chant begins.

Time to stall until the cage is put together! Bundy is shown doing a running butt-secks on Hulk Hogan, who may have liked that, according to rumors.

Dumb game makes Hogan look huge
Dumb game makes Hogan look huge

The match gets the crowd hot but it really isn’t much to talk about. Hogan wins. One last audio error on Tommy LaSorda. There were so many celebrities at this event, it became meaningless. 1/3rd of them would have accomplished the same thing.

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