Wrestlemania 5 is the second in a row to be in a room with those strings of Christmas lights above it that had a missing light every three bulbs. We are talking about Trump Plaza. In the aftermath of the immense popularity of Mania 3, Vince milked Donald Trump for some of his tax schemed-cash and sold his biggest show of the year for two years.
Blood money from the Saudi’s isn’t a worry to Vince.
“Fat…fasten your seatbelts.” begins Gorilla Monsoon, setting the tone for the evening. The Woman’s title is so meaningful, it’s champion is showcased in the worst rendition of America the Beautiful I can remember. Rockin RobinJesse Ventura even mentions “she better keep her day job.”
Jerry Lawler’s music hits but it’s actually for King Haku. Hercules comes out. In Bret Harts book, he outs Herc for making out with a trans female in a club. Haku has new tights and Heenan has a purple outfit to match. The crowd is modestly into the match. The future 45th president sits front row the entire time. It sort of makes me want a special arena in a WWE game with him sitting there the whole time, never showing any reaction. Haku nails his crescent kick on Herc coming off the top rope. But he doesn’t pin him. He goes for a flying headbutt and that costs him. Herc hits a fair enough suplex with a bridge and gets the three count. His music hits instantly and then Gorilla acts like he doesn’t know who’s shoulders were down. Earl Hebner raises the hand of Hercules.
Next, it’s the…oh..the Twin Towers. Yeah, WWE named Big Bossman and Akeem after the ill-fated buildings in the NYC skyline. It’s eerie to see them in stuff, now. Imagine time traveling from the 80s to the 90s and not seeing them anymore. The Rockers are here to face 9/11. So, this is an interesting match. The crowd isn’t into it. The Rockers play the game fast. Akeem looks like Conrad Thompson. His gimmick is basically satire on Dusty Rhodes. I can appreciate it but the guy works about like a dad playing with his baby. Is Slick a pimp? Is that his gimmick? Shawn Michaels stands out. He gets his head taken off with a clothesline. He does the job for Akeem after Bossman catches him off the top and powerbombs him.
Dibiase with Virgil fights Brutus Beefcake. MDM shakes Trump’s hand. He had just got his Million Dollar Belt: Jesse says Brutus may be guilty of assault with a deadly weapon. Ask Sid.
The Bushwackers appear like they just got out of prison, dressed in stripes in the pre-match interview. The All American Boys, The Rougeaus and the Buckwackers. Like any match they ever had, it is idiotic. This is great stuff to take a nap to. A pet cat and string beats this. Crowd is dead.
Mr Perfect vs Blue Blazer, pretty boring and no one cares. Perfect wins.
Ax and Smash look straight out of an S and M porn. Mr Fuji has some horrible skin. They pin Fuji to win.
Dino Bravo beats Ronnie Garvin, who stomps Frenchie Martin. Talk about boring.
Strikeforce loses to the Brainbusters. Rick Martel becomes a bad guy. It’s just boring!! No one cared and look what came of it – The Model, but nothing else. He cuts a promo afterward.
Brother Love comes out with a kilt on. Morton Downey Jr. runs down. Then, Piper comes out. The segment sucks until Piper uses the fire extinguisher on Smoke Lungs. It is revered far more than it should be – because the crowd was not entertained.
We get to see an ad for No Holds Barred. Then an obligatory interview with Donald Trump. Sean Mooney sounds drunk and messes up every other word. Ventura acts mad about Hogan getting in movies. Then, a typical Hogan promo.
Jake vs Andre. We get a fuck finish. Andre is DQed and Jesse mentions that it made no sense. Gorilla argues that it did but it didn’t.
Hart Foundation beats Rhythm and Blues in a short match, by cheating.
Rick Rude beats Ultimate Warrior, which I love. Warrior dominates, making it sort of predictable. Warrior drops Heenan on accident.
Double DQ for Hacksaw and Bad News Brown. Duggan gets snot on his nose and its gross. Ventura points it out in hilarious fashion.
We get a little meaningless match between Bobby the Brain and The Red Rooster, who wins but is then beat up by rumored homosexual lackey of Pat Patterson, The Brooklyn Brawler, aka Steve Lombardi. Is there like 8 million matches on this card or something? It became tortuous.
Ventura calls Hogan “The Luster” which gets over with me. When Hulks music hits, it is already in the middle of the song. I’m playing some serious Clash of Clans during this. “Lust Hogan” says Jesse. He was telling us this guy was a piece of shit years before we realized it. Smart guy. During the match, if you look closely just after Savage sort of swings at Elizabeth, and he and Hogan begin fighting, you can see the Piper’s pit set under the ring. Hogan wins and hits maybe the highest altitude leg drop that he ever hit.