Wrestlemania 13 was a flop (except for one match)

Since they had no idea what matches would happen from week to week, thanks to HBK, we get generic marketing!
Since they had no idea what matches would happen from week to week, thanks to HBK, we get generic marketing!

Wrestlemania 13 emanated from the Chicago Rosemont Horizon. The crowd was insanely hot for what was to be a shitty Wrestlemania – except for one match.

To begin with, the WWE Network doesn’t have the rights to the Godwins theme, so we get generic banjo music. They’ll have a match with the Headbangers, the Black Jacks and Furnace and Lafon, who incorrectly are identified as the Headbangers with a graphic. Bradshaw hits the worst suplex ever over the rope onto the floor, onto Furnace. “He’s too stupid to know when he’s hurt” King explains about Henry. The Headbangers win, because Vince was pushing them that week.

Rocky Maivia vs The Sultan…pretty cool, keeping it in the family, but a feud/match that has no background beyond one or two tiny segments on Raw. Rock comes out all excited. His music ruled. “Quit chewing gum on TV you idiot.” King says of Tony Atlas. Remarking on Rocky’s Slammy speech, King said “That long boring speech. It was so boring, Christopher Reeves got up and walked out.” Rock wins and gets help from his “idiot” father according to King.

Goldust and HHH next. “When she was born, she mighta been such an ugly baby, she was breast fed by her father.” King says of Marlena. “Hey he’s sensitive about that [nose]. Just because he makes Pinocchio look like a cat…” King says of HHH.”I think they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in Chyna’s shower.” King contributes to Wrestlemania history, regarding Chyna. He really is on a role and JR makes note of his joke book. The match is mostly HHH who also wins, because he’s HHH. Fun fact – I shit twice during the match.

Vader and Mankind team up against Bulldog and Owen. Owen is funny in the interview. “And a belt.” Uninteresting feud, if you can even call it that.

The diamond in the rough happens with Stone Cold Vs Bret Hart, which is in my opinion the best match ever. It was a perfect feat. An accomplishment. It saved this show from being the worst ever. Watch it sometime.

The Nation against Ahmed Johnson and the LOD in a Chicago Street. When LOD and Ahmed come out, it’s a big pop. The match itself is a CF. Someone uses a fire extinguisher that spreads that white powder shit instead of the nitrogen one like Roddy used on Morton Downey Jr. So everyone is breathing that shit and coughing. Savio puts a noose on Ahmed. Vince describes it as a noose. Nothing racist about that, huh? The production crew miss a lot of spots. We blatantly see Ahmed talking to Savio while being choked. Finally someone finds the nitrogen fire extinguisher. One of the Nation members blatantly hands a 2X4 to Ahmed. We get a double Doomsday Device, and Ahmed puts a cap that might fit a 3 year old on top of his head.

HBK comes out and takes a month to get to the commentary table. Sid botches a promo. “Wrestlemania is the biggest event of the yea….of the world!” Almost Sid, almost. Undertaker comes out in his classic colors!! That’s actually awesome. Someone has made a Sid/Arn sign in the shape of scissors. Awesome.

That fan is awesome.
That fan is awesome.

For those of you who don’t know, Sid and Arn Anderson got into a fight that resulted in Sid and Arn stabbing each other, Arn getting the worst of it. They used scissors.

Sid drops the loudest GD ever. Eventually, after a boring match, Bret comes back out and hits Sid. RENE GOULET is out. They manage to get Bret out of there. A big botch happens when Taker just flips over by jumping. Bret comes back and costs Sid the match. That’s a shitty finish for Wrestlemania, if you ask me. We hear Shawn clapping into the microphone and it sounds like sex.

We reach the conclusion to this ‘mania. It was nothing good, of course except for that one match.


One thought on “Wrestlemania 13 was a flop (except for one match)”

  1. While listening to their review, here’s what the good folks at the New Generation Project Podcast came up with for a better WrestleMania 13 card:

    1.Davey Boy Smith vs. Owen Hart in the Grand Final of the WWF European Championship Tournament [said tournament was good, but the final should’ve happened on this PPV instead of that Raw in Germany; this would be a suitable opener, and Bulldog still wins the title and holds it until One Night Only in Birmingham, England later that year]

    2.Rocky Maivia vs. Mankind (with Paul Bearer) [this filler match gives both the Blue Chipper and the Piano-Playing Prodigy something to do]

    3.The New Blackjacks vs. Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon in a #1 Contender match for the WWF Tag-Team Championship [just take out the Headbangers and the Godwinns, and just let Furnas, LaFon, Bradshaw, and Windham have a real barnburner of a tag match]

    4.Hunter Hearst Helmsley (with Chyna) vs. Goldust (with Marlena) for the WWF Intercontinental Championship [we’re keeping this match in, only Helmsley doesn’t lose the IC Title to Rocky, thus raising the stakes in this blow-off match with Goldust]

    5.Ahmed Johnson & The Legion of Doom vs. The Nation of Domination in the Chicago Street Fight [second match we’re keeping in, and Ahmed and LOD still win, except Ahmed pins Faarooq, thus ending their feud]

    6.The Undertaker vs. Sycho Sid vs. Vader in a #1 Contender triple threat match for the WWF World Championship [Taker vs. Sid is kept in, we throw Vader into the mix, and you can have a battle of the giants with Taker winning by pinning Sid while protecting Vader]

    7.Bret Hart vs. Steve Austin in the submission match for the WWF World Championship with Ken Shamrock as the guest referee [fourth and final match we will keep in, as this would be the main event, except Bret actually holds onto the World Title after In Your House #13: Final Four instead of dropping it to Sid immediately; both the finish of Bret rendering Austin unconscious with the Sharpshooter and the double turn still occur]

    Also, you can have any one of these matches take place on the Free for All pre-show:

    1.Billy Gunn vs. Bart Gunn

    2.The Sultan (with Bob Backlund & The Iron Sheik) vs. Flash Funk

    3.The Godwinns (with Hillbilly Jim) vs. The Headbangers

    Liked by 1 person

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