Review: 2012

2012_Poster

2012 is such a great movie, I’m shocked anytime I see that it didn’t receive every Academy Award, Golden Globe, Grammy, Tony and Slammy.

Ok, being serious, the movie has very few, if any, redeeming qualities. It is ridiculous through and through and the plot is empty and idiotic.

A movie like this has a very specific audience – idiots. So you know they’re going to need to butter the bread in certain areas. What dumbfounds me is that this movie missed not only those specific areas – but ALL areas. None of the movie even feels like hard work was put in on it.

For starters, John Cusack sucks in this movie and delivers a woefully bad performance. He looks constantly stumped but never that interested. Also, he’s not having a heart attack which any normal human being would at any given moment with shit like this going on.

2012-Movie

Which brings me to my second point – the special effects in this movie should be an area that are wonderful but they look about on par with an episode of Dr. Who.

It isn’t just the quality that I am complaining about here, either. At times, I sort of appreciate some of the shots. It is the absurdity of what I am looking at in many of the special effects shots! For example:

Yep. He runs and catches up with an airplane while outrunning a supervolcano.
Yep. He runs and catches up with an airplane while outrunning a supervolcano.
Of course giant missiles crashing down into the planet a few feet next to your Breaking Bad van won't cause it to flip or anything.
Of course giant missiles crashing down into the planet a few feet next to your Breaking Bad van won’t cause it to flip or anything.
What the fuck? How would they even still be playing football?
What the fuck? How would they even still be playing football?

Look how stupid some of those shots look. That’s just a TASTE of what kind of ignorant shit this movie is filled to the RIM with!

Now, with this type of devastation going on, I started asking myself what would actually be left at the end of the movie. There has to be SOMETHING to be happy about at the conclusion of a film. It is, after all, not real and a form of entertainment.

Well, this movie ends by taking a little blasphemy and mixing it with a shit script. They take these giant ships that they, of course, call arks – and begin filling them with as many losers as they can. Instead of having the military only bring the people they’re saving to the ships, they allow everyone in and chaos erupts. Not enough people get shot for being stupid but somehow, several of the arks manage to make it and land in South Africa, of all places.

Now, if every human alive has died, I’m going to tell you what I would do. First place I’m going is not South Africa. It is the mall. I’m going up there with a big truck and taking every videogame, toy and Build a Bear I can find. I will also take every item of bad ass clothing I can locate. Then, I’m going to the White House and moving in.

This movie had a few giveaways that it would be bad. For starters, anytime Danny Glover or John Billingsley are involved with a project, it will suck. Guaranteed. Also, it was based on a freaking doomsday prophecy. Those usually turn out well!

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This movie is atrocious. I can’t give it any rating. 0/10.

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