Review: Hell’s Kitchen – Season 2


After a successful first season, with a very cheap show open, we get a second season, with a slightly more expensive show open. One thing I don’t get though – why do we have to look at the eliminated contestants on shows they’re not even on? Especially when they sucked! It’s like they’re saying “Hey look at me – I sucked and was voted off twice, but I’m appearing in this skillet fire.”

The first thing I can think of when looking at an episode of Hell’s Kitchen is how much money they’re throwing away, literally, when they throw food in the trash. Imagine being a starving child in Africa and seeing Gordon Ramsay throw a pound of food away because it wasn’t up to standards. Then, turning the TV off and drinking shit water with roasted cow turds. I think we can do better, humanity. Let’s box up the “not perfect, but edible” meals maybe.

As always, we have to talk about the contestants.

Giacomo – Gordon hated his hair and basically called him a bitch the whole show. He started putting it up to hopefully get it out of the satanic chef’s ire but I would have straightened it and if he said something to me over it, slung a little grease on his moundy face.

Rachel – I think she was a lesbian and she seemed to have the hots for Heather. There may have been a little bit of scissoring there. Rachel sucked in the kitchen and had persistent ineptitude. (I looked it up and discovered she was, in fact, openly gay. She also killed herself in 2007.)

Gabriel – No impression, he was eliminated so fast.

Virginia – I think Virginia used her cuteness to her advantage with Chef Horneytoad. He seemed to have the hots for her and one night, openly showed her how to win.

Keith – I was going to mention how Keith backstabbed people on the show constantly, and constantly had his mouth open, but I read that he died in a swimming accident and so I felt bad about it.

Polly – want a cracker? First eliminated. Nothing substantive learned about her.

Sara – Sara was a backstabber and lied to Virginia to try to screw her over. It almost worked, too. Fortunately, the nasally voiced cut-throat was a lousy cook on top of a lousy human being and she was eliminated.

Maribel – Maribel was a sweet lady that looked like “housekeeping” at a cheap hotel. Wasn’t the best cook and certainly wasn’t the worst but did get run over by some others.

Tom – Gross, lazy, sexist and sweaty. The guy actually sweat in some food at one point, which was disgusting. They continuously showed that. He probably should have left first.

Larry – I don’t know what happened with him but after a dip in the hot tub, he got really sick and went to the hospital. He quit after that.

Garrett – Just about killed Keith over being lied to. Also, he played the “crazy psycho be afraid of me” card with everyone. He fucked with a knife and was pointing it at people. I’d have walked up to him and said “Hey, you got a whole lot of stabbing to do before I die and I got a move that will break your arm with a flinch, so cut the fucking shit brother.” If he didn’t put it down right then, he’d have got an ash tray slammed up against his temple or something. I’m always ready to go man.

Heather – She had a clear passion for food, as it was evident in her emotions anytime she didn’t prevail in challenges. She was a pitbull in the kitchen, too – and displayed incredible maturity for her young age. I think she was the right choice for the season.


I enjoyed the second season. It didn’t seem to have as much of a hard edge as the first one but Chef Ramsay sure did get up in a lot of peoples’ faces. That’s my favorite part. Actually, my favorite part would be when someone took him by his hair and shoved his face on the hot plate for smarting off to them. Unfortunately, I’ve never eaten there before.


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