Foods that make me shit.


Sometimes, you’re driving through traffic and suddenly, the gut wrenching hits. Other times, you need to go but can’t. Well, for better or worse, this list is here to help you know what foods will make you shit your guts out. Make sure you’re ready to plant your ass on a toilet bowl if you’re eating any of these.

Taco Bell – Anything. Anything from Taco Bell will make you shit your guts out. Even the smell. I’ve gotten the food, smelled it and my body reacted with the need to shit, once. And even more recently than that, this week, when I went to Taco Bell, I was in the drive-thru line and needed to shit before I even ordered. In fact, just now writing about Taco Bell has made me need to shit. What the fuck is up with them?

McDonalds – Sausage. McDonalds sausage will make you shit faster than an enema. I used to work for a guy and his office was near a StinkDonalds. We would go over there and get Sausage McMuffins and I could barely walk back to the office without shitting all over myself like a “tied up ‘coon.” The rest of their menu isn’t exactly much better and often causes similar results, but if you want to have a brown water blowout, go with a Sausage McMuffin.

Olive Garden – About Anything. I hate Olive Garden. I won’t go to it and anytime someone talks about it like it is fine dining, I secretly mark them off of a list in my head of people I will consider being friends with. Olive Garden is a cheap fuckhole of processed, frozen/heated foods and their help is abysmal. Not sure if it is their breadsticks, their specific oils or just the fact that I hate it so much. I can’t go without having to hit the restroom and hover-shit over the toilet seat.

Cracker Barrell – Anything. A place I actually enjoy eating at on rare occasion in the States. I can’t get to dessert without having to ask where their bathroom is located, though. Maybe they have those rocking chairs out front so you can settle your gut down before leaving. Also makes sense why there are a bunch of old people there – they all think about shitting all the time. Also, they fire veterans for giving uneaten rolls to homeless people, so fuck them.

Shoney’s – Anything. Some of the greasiest food I’ve tasted and seems to be pre-cooked with laxative in it. Also, blows.

IHOP – Anything, including the service because it is so slow. I grew a beard in IHOP last time I went in there, the service was so slow. I’m surprised Apple hasn’t sued them for their usage of the letter I in such a horrible restaurant. IHOP makes me shit.

Coffee – Any type of coffee will make you need to dump guts.

Chewing/Dipping Tobacco – Throw one of these in after a cup of coffee and you’ll shit yourself. I know it isn’t a food but it usually follows meals for most users.

MORE TO COME…Suggest your own below.

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