Raw opens with a special report from DX, who spray paints in red now. It’s the thing where they read all the bad words they won’t use. Intern joke. 1998.
DX opens the show again in Uncle Sam outfits to campaign for Tyson vs Austin so Shawn can keep the belt. Stone Cold comes out. He gets in HBKs face. Austin tears his shirt off by the collar. Stone Cold will be in action tonight against Jesse James.
Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie are having a battle for who rules the world of hardcore. It’s a weird match. Awkward. They end up in the dumpster and the Outlaws push them off. Everyone acts like they just died. JR goes insane, Sunny is screaming. We can hear a guy say “When do you want the ambulance? Tell em don’t move for a while!” JR does his “Well they learn how to fall” psychology. “My back, my goddamn back. Motherfucker” we hear him say. Vince is pretending to talk to the Outlaws.
Commercial and we return with the ambulance appearing as the unknown voice directed. Sunny is looking for an Emmy. A fight breaks out. Terry Funk appears to have stopped breathing, lol. JR mentions good guys and bad guys!! They fit Jack and Funk in the same ambulance. Kevin Kelly tells the Outlaws children that he hopes you’re proud of your daddies. Wow dude.
Another commercial break for this never ending angle. Interview with the Outlaws, with DX getting in their face.
The War Zone begins. Road Dogg and Billy Gunn come back out for Gunn’s match with Owen Hart. Was he related to Major Gunns? I like the Outlaws but they really are all over this edition of Raw. Owen and Billy have a quick match and as Billy is about to win, Road Dogg jumps in. DQ. DX comes out and they get ready to throw Owen over the edge of the stage.
Michael Cole is at the hospital to update us on Foley and Funk. No update on their condition. Wtf
Headbangers come out, unaffected by Foley and Funk possibly being dead even though they were concerned earlier. Sable is out with her enormous titties. King makes his second Clinton reference of the night. JR references people with Internet sites being insecure. He will shill a podcast every day in the 2010s. At this point, Marc Mero sings “Beautiful People” on the microphone as Goldust, as Marilyn Manson, comes out. It’s awful. The match is nothin great either. My cat starts swatting at something and wins my attention. Mero wins with a groin shot.
Bradshaw and Windham cut a promo on each other via split screen. JBL knocks over part of the set.
We see a promo for Tiger Ali Singh. He will never achieve any success.
The Nation comes out, including the Rock. The Disciples of Apocalypse
Chainz comes out on a bike. The DOA, Ahmed Johnson and Ken Shamrock come out with the good guys. They had to fit everyone in this match because the Outlaws are in every other segment. Farooq gets counted out! Dissension in the Nation! This is basically white supremacists vs black panthers.
I’m not sure why Western Union advertised. What are you going to do, use Eastern Union instead?
The NWA comes out. Barry Windham is blonde again, fat. JR tells us Jeff Jarretts gear isn’t underwritten by the Aztecs. We do this weird angle. Flash Funk is fake hurt. Bradshaw has to fight everyone and gets a 4 man neck breaker. Then they try to break his leg.
The dumpster now weighs 2000 pounds. It was 500 an hour ago. Cole says the situation is “grave.”
Wrestlemania Square is 8 weeks away from Bastan.
Lawler says the Mania press conference will be on CNI…CNN. Then Wink Collins is in the ring. Who is this??? Kane is mad. It looks like someone throws something at the ring as the pyro and it blows it back. Vader gets in the mic and cannot be understood. He attacks Kane with a fire extinguisher, the kind that sprays cold out. We see the previous weeks fight between Kane and Vader. Weird how they did that.
The Outlaws are back. Austin’s music hits, too low. I think the bell rang too soon. DQ instantly. Then the Outlaws and DX attack. They tie Austin up. And after all the talk about Cactus and Terry Funk being dead, can you believe they come out to help Austin. Cactus has an IV in him still, apparently having ran from the hospital. Funk is in a hospital gown with a chainsaw. It’s bad.
That’s all folks.