Review: Home Alone


Home Alone is dumb. It wouldn’t work. Nothing about this movie would work and the kid would be dead in real life, maybe raped before.

The whole premise of the movie is that Joe Pesci, pronounced Peshi, is scouting all of the houses on a very wealthy street and burglarizing them, sequentially. This would never work and would be the worst burglar strategy ever. The idea is that you don’t want to be caught. After the first one, police would be patrolling the neighborhood too much to safely know when to do the job. Marv, his partner, is even dumber and leaves a signature behind to call themselves the “Wet Bandits.” Pesci is mad about this but guess what dumbass, you’re doing every house on the same street. Most cops will make the connection by that.

Pesci scouts out the McCallisters, not to be confused with a place I got sweet tea at once and vomited in the bathroom, immediately, then went back to work. Kevin is a little trouble making shit who whines about pizza with cheese on it and whines about wanting to not sleep next to the bed pisser and whines about sleeping upstairs. Finally, everyone is sick of him and he gets forgotten and left at home so the family can enjoy themselves on the vacation. Of course, they get there and realize he is at home and it ruins the vacation. Everyone must really hate Kevin.

Kevin, played by Macaulay Culkin in the role that defined him, must outwit two completely retarded bandits who are, again, doing every house on the SAME STREET. Fortunately for him, the bandits are entirely inept in every regard of the word and defeat themselves, basically.

One will walk in a door, stand completely still and allow his head to be blow-torched. Let me explain something. All he had to do was FUCKING MOVE.

One will grab a door knob that, illogically, has been heated by a heater on the other side’s knob. Instead of just pulling his hand off, he grips it like he has brain damage.

Both will stand still as Kevin throws paint cans at their heads. 

One will let a tarantula walk over his face and scream like a lady, instead of taking it and stomping it like I would.

Both will run at Kevin with the hurriedness of a grandmother dashing for the bathroom at a greasy buffet. 

We can’t have a movie without a bunch of nonsense shit, in it, either. First, the moral of the story, which is that little kids shouldn’t wish their parents away because even though it is fun at first, you actually need them. Second, we see a kid doing laundry and buying groceries hahaha WHO FUCKING CARES. That’s stupid!!!!!! Finally, we see him shave and put aftershave on and scream and run around and act and just be a child. Miraculously, Culkin was able to pull all of this off without being the usual annoying Goddamn dumb child actor that we typically see, such as in the Goosebumps series.

After all the stupid shit, the bad guys catch Kevin and plan to torture him to death. I don’t understand how these guys aren’t paranoid, at all, about being caught. They’re slowly building tension taunting Kevin when the old serial killer shovel guy hits them in the head with a shovel. A big one.

See, Kevin would be DEAD even in this stupid, fantasy universe if not for the last-second save by an improbable character. I don’t know why Marv didn’t just shoot him. That’s what any real burglar would have done.

The police mention something about linking them to all of the other burglaries thanks to the “Wet Bandit” signature, which sets Pesci off one final time (this movie, he plays the same character in many of his roles). Of course, we know they could probably piece it together when the burglaries happened at 1202, 1204, 1206, 1208, 1210 and so forth on the same fucking road!

The family all gets back and acts like they like Kevin. Even Buzz is a little impressed with him until he learns that Kevin ransacked his room! Hijinks! And the movie ends.

I like watching it during the holidays, because it is mindless Tim Burton fun…but it doesn’t make a bit of goddamn sense.

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