Review: The Firm


The Firm is what I get in the morning 4/5 days upon waking up. It is also a movie starring Tom Cruise as a 5 foot tall lawyer. The opening credits include around 1300 names. I couldn’t believe how long it went. I cursed the Christian god over it.

Then a moment that I decided I would write the review happens. In Memphis,  on Beale Street, a kid is doing somersaults down the sidewalk. Been there many times and never seen this, although it is feasible I guess. Suddenly, Tom Cruise takes off with the kid, in sync, and does like 50 backflip gymnast moves. It’s clearly not him but then the shot of him landing happens and he turns toward the camera, grinning about Scientology. I laughed so hard, I decided not to go to sleep to this movie and stayed up all night reviewing it.

Diabeetus Wilford Brimley appears. He’s not selling Liberty Medical…….yet.


A man’s kids die or something. Piano music is basically everything in this movie. Cruise starts figuring out something is wrong. He also wears jeans with the tightest crotch. Cruise gets laid and cheats on his wife. He’s all sad over it.

By now he realizes his law firm is full of scum. What he doesn’t realize is that this is probably how every law firm is. Wilford Brimley is so pissed off throughout this movie, I expect he came up with a new type of die uh beat us.

Tom Cruise goes to Gary Busey, Private Eye. He’s an idiot. Teeth bigger than pillows. I can’t even justify a new paragraph before two men kill him a scene later. He overacts everything in the movie that he does and seems to have landed this as a favor to someone before his 975th cocaine arrest.

Question – who would make this story up from scratch and not include any magic or spaceships?

So the law firm works for the mob. Cruise talks to the FBI then tells the firm! Smart. He tells his wife and she runs down the road like a looney. Cruises secretary is Dewey Coxs mom.

Brimley has pics of Cruise eating a prostitute’s pussy. He makes a veiled threat to let Cruise’s wife know. Cruise is congratulated by the entire firm and is standing on a box.

They go out to eat. Once I went out to eat in Memphis with a beautiful blonde, way out of my league. We were at a place that you cook your own food at and I had to get up and take such a big shit, I was asked if I was ok when I got back. Yep. Just shitting on a date.

Cruise takes a sad walk down Beale street. He let his wife know he cheated on her and she flips out. Then he goes to the dog tracks. I went there once. It smelled. He’s gotta battle the mob and a mad wife.

If I closed my eyes at any point in this, the music would make me think I was watching Peanuts.

Cruises brother walks. He sneaks onto a Farley Catfish Farm truck from Cash, Arkansas. Been through there. It sucks. One intersection.

The women lay a trap for Gene Hackman and drug him. Then they steal his boxes of incriminating files. Good thing he kept those around. He gets drowned in his bathtub but we never see it. Apparently, he turned babyface (good) but I still thought he was a piece of shit.

We get a big chase on Mud Island in Memphis. Brimley accidentally shoots the creepy albino but then Cruise kicks his ass. He goes to meet with the Italian actors playing mobsters in everything 1990s. He tells them he isn’t out to expose them and never will as long as he doesn’t end up dead. Somehow it works. They don’t get the mafia but they get the dick law firm. Cruises brother gets 750Gs and Cruise gets his wife back.

Meanwhile, Brimley is defeated and goes on to peddle home medical supplies to people with diabetes.


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