Review: Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Terminator_2_poster

Terminator 2: Judgment Day was one of those movies…listen I don’t know if I can get through this – Apple is absolute fucking shit today. It’s one of those movies where it never gets old. It was a great flick. It still sucked though.

We open up to NOTHING BUT SKULLS in the future. There’s not a goddamn bone in the world besides skulls. In this one playground, probably 300 skulls are there. Why? Why were so many people in this playground. I must know.

The Terminators battle humans. Realistically, the robots would never miss a shot. Luckily, they miss a lot here.

Now, this is the ONE terminator movie that makes sense as to time travel, a little at least. Time travel in movies makes no sense. However, forgetting the usual gripes, if an evil terminator appeared in the past before the good guy, it would instantly complete its mission in reference to the future. This is the only Terminator movie that sends the hero back before the bad guy.

The dumbass biker guy does a push-up on the grill. I would just have rolled off. Arnold walks outside and walks up the steps twice, to grab the shotgun. You can tell, after Arnold grabs the shotgun, because he lets go of it twice. This movie makes great use of Bad to the Bone.

We see the small dick of the T1000.

John Conner and Budnick from Salute Your Shorts hang out. John needs to clean his room because it’s the 1990s. Todd is played by a young Xander Berkley, famous for being on 24.

After hanging out with John Conner, Budnick continued his rough ways at camp.
After hanging out with John Conner, Budnick continued his rough ways at camp.

We hear Sarah Conner is 29! My ass is 29! (It is.) Sarah, who is up for review this afternoon and claims to be better, taunts the doctor over stabbing his knee and is working out like a rabid nut. Drew Carey makes her take it.

Somehow, the T1000 is nicer than real cops. John Conner hacks an ATM with an Atari. Easy money. LA is so small, Arnold drives a street away from John Conner.

Sarah, who we are to forget was a maniac this morning, acts like someone cast Esuna on her. She also has 9 inches of ashes on her cigarette. She claims to have been well for six months. What about the knee?

Nothing but nerds work at Cyberdyne. One with Pepsi product placement and a sucker. Id tell him slob, get that out of my face before I drop you.

Arnold chases after John Conner, somehow knowing he went into the mall. He buys roses. Did he go in, buy them, go out to get his shotgun, then come back in? Or stop on the way? John plays some 1980s arcade game, then a more modern jet fighter game. Arnold Terminator enters the EXACT hallway Conner will be in. I have to say, Robert Patrick does an awesome job. He can run too.

The semi truck guy smacks his head hard on the pavement for real. We see the semi’s windows fall out in one shot and stay in the next. A spark ignites diesel which wouldn’t happen.

“Your foster parents are dead.” we hear in the kindest form, after they travel outside of the city.

So we learn that the T1000 can’t form chemical objects. I would think that includes skin. Necessary for him to travel back in time. Unless he came back in a big skin jacket, which we never see a hint of. Arnold nearly kills a couple of guys including one that looks identical to DVon Dudley.

How does the T1000 turn into someone by touching their boot? Why doesn’t it just scan them? The whole Pescadaro hospital escape happens. The barking seal alarm goes off. (Unknown Archive). Firing guns in an elevator would deafen you. Arnold won’t target the legs of the RUNNING terminator. They still get away.

“Chill out dickwat.”

Some little kids are playing with a gun. This is not only widely accepted on the 90s, it still is in the South. Parents let their kids play with guns. Then they pray for the families when a child blows his brains out on accident.

Miles wife LICKS the back of his neck. That would have been a day of fighting with me.

When the stereotypical Mexican offers Arnold a shot of tequila, 5 seconds after aiming a gun at each other, it’s bad. I like how Arnold just looked at him. They get all their guns.

Sarah goes to kill Miles Dyson but has compassion last minute. Had John and Arnold not shown up, I guess they’d have called the cops on her. They convince Miles to blow up Cyberdyne in about 5 minutes. Best brainwashing technique since Islam.

So they go there and waste all kinds of time. They’re not even in a hurry when the alarm gets tripped. John uses the Atari again. Miles swings at the computer, again, delaying things. I have to take an old dukey. Arnold kills 0.0 people. The SWAT team comes in to kill people and Dyson has the most annoying death scene ever on film. Overbite, breathing like that. His death is made meaningless by the movies after this one.

We get our “I’ll be back.” moment.

After they Timothy McVeigh the place, the T1000 takes chase in the best helicopter chase ever. It really flies under an overpass. Arnold terminator can’t think and slams on the brakes to cause the chopper to crash into it because the other robots reflexes didn’t work?

So they end up changing vehicles and in a second chase. The semi rolls on its side and sides, in tact, for about two miles. Then they freeze the T1000 but let him melt. Arnold’s arm gets torn off and they forget to melt it later. Linda Hamilton gets stabbed and look, by now, you know she had to stink. When Arnold saves her, you can tell he’s wearing a jacket with his real arm in it. Half his face gets torn off so we can see that.

For some reason, the T1000 gets within feet of John Conner and instead of lunging for him, he screws around until he’s blown up and melts dramatically in the liquid hot MAGMA. Arnold kills himself but goes to hell since he wasn’t a Christian.

Judgement Day happens anyway, and a robot bodyguard would have been a helluva good thing to have. But nah. He’s nuts and bolts now.

This one by far is the best terminator movie. It’s still ridiculous but James Cameron did a respectable job with this action movie.


Check out my critique of Terminator 3. That movie sucked.

 

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