nWo Souled Out 1997 was shit.

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I can remember the hype behind the first nWo PPV back during 1997. It was when WCW was on top of the Monday Night Wars, an over-used phrase by WWE to market shit. But the nWo was huge – big enough to have it’s own pay-per view. How did that go over? Like a turd in the punch bowl.

The show opens to black and white footage of the nWo coming to the Cedar Rapids Five Seasons Center (?) on garbage trucks (?) and in a limo, too. It looks to be about zero degrees. Some ride bikes in, which makes no sense since it is also snowing. We can see Kevin Nash blowing his hands to warm them. We can see Eric Bischoff blowing Hollywood Hogan to warm him.

As they walk into the arena, it definitely looked different. At first, it looked almost cool, to an extent. But as the night wore on, this entire set became a horrible eye-sore.

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It was back when cameras sucked and anytime a light was shined into it, it would cause running. You can especially see it in old WWF classic shows. The stairs, with the lights in them, were way too tall and all the wrestlers looked goofy walking down them. There were fat ass bikers everywhere on the set, just randomly. There were an array of ugly women that we will get to more in a minute. There were three barely visible video screens and of course, the Welcome Wagon from Independence Day.

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The show itself was horrible. First of all, no WCW wrestlers had any theme music. The nWo wrestlers all used the B-theme, except the Outsiders, who got the real nWo music. And Hogan of course. Hogan Hogan Hogan. I fucking hate him. Next, there was no ring announcer. Just the nWo voice over guy insulting people. I think he really pissed the Steiners off, because Scotty looked backstage like he was about to go murder someone for calling him a loser. Fortunately, people with an IQ of 2 forget things shortly after they happen.

Peppered throughout the show was the Miss nWo contest. It featured overweight and older women, most of which could not hear the fat, untalented guy on the microphone. He asked horrendous questions like “What would you do to make Hollywood Hogan?” Think about the possible answers. “Suck his Dick”? Of course not. So they couldn’t say anything besides “Anything he wanted” and the gay-J didn’t seem to understand that, asking them to expound. He asked one old granny and she couldn’t hear a word he said. No one could in the arena, it was echoy. The segments were horrendous.

Here were the matches:

Masahiro Chono vs. Chris Jericho. Ended up being a snoozer. Jericho is probably my least favorite wrestler to ever become a “star” because I never saw him as one. He always does that stupid ass yell. “EGHHAAAAAAGHH!” Shut up dude. Go back to Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. Chono wins.

Next match you paid money to see is Big Bubba vs. Hugh Morrus. Bubba wins the Mexican Death Match via countout, somehow. Get this. He ran over Morrus with the motorcycle. Or just sort of bumped him with it. Awful. Just awful.

Jeff Jarrett beat Michael Wallstreet AKA IRS. It was because Steve McMichael interfered and made Nick Patrick, who officiated EVERY MATCH that night, count to three.

Next match you paid for was Buff Bagwell vs. Scotty Riggs. The battle of future porn-destined talent was anything but interesting and Bagwell, debuting his Blockbuster, wins.

Around this point in the review, a dog tries to come into my house. Random dog.

Scott Norton and DDP face off next. Now, a few weeks back, DDP had given his Diamond Cutter to Hall after they tried getting him to join. It was sort of cool. So Bischoff decided to do it again on Souled Out. While he talked the ENTIRE TIME about how DDP had betrayed the nWo before. He almost seemed speechless as it happened, like he knew he fucked up the segment. Then, Norton won via countout.

The Steiner Brothers, with PeeWee Anderson, beat The Outsiders, in Hall and Nash, for the tag-team belts just after that shitfest. The match was pretty typical WCW shit of the time. Patrick, visibly winded from the entire evening officiating every match, with no breaks, takes a ref-bump mid match and the Steiners win when Randy Anderson, seated next to his father Arn, jumps in and counts to three. Bischoff and Trillionaire Ted freak out on commentary. They act like it is the biggest fucking thing ever. It’s the tag belts. I think this is when they fired Randy Anderson and treated him like shit in front of his kids. Bischoff is a fuck.

Next, Eddie Guerrero comes out. The announcer calls him “Mexican Jumping Bean” and it pisses him off, badly. He looks straight at Bischoff like “WTF.” Bischoff and Ted laugh it up. He beats Syxx and gets back his US Championship in a ladder match that didn’t touch any that WWE ever did. The fucking step-ladder match between the midgets beat this one.

Finally, our main-event turned out to be ten minutes between Hollywood Blowgan and The Giant. The result? A NO CONTEST. On a PPV. The Giant, who did a fucking elbow drop off the top rope and appeared like a total R Tard while doing it, was about to beat Hogan and the nWo ran in.

This show sucked the dick of all dicks. It was absolute garbage. I remember people being PISSED around the time for ordering it. Even I didn’t want that junk. I thought it would be entirely in black and white (I was a kid/dumb). But this is why WCW crashed and burned. They shit on their audience until the audience hated them.

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