Review: San Andreas

San_Andreas_poster

San Andreas has nothing to do with Grand Theft Auto. It’s an unrealistic movie starring The Rock as the most bad ass helicopter pilot alive.

Opening moments and he’s flying the chopper in between rocks impossibly close and then jumping out of the same chopper. I busted out laughing.

Some people go to Hoover Dam when it blows up. The Asian guy gets out just in time to save a dumbass girl who’s awful parents left her while she cowered in a corner – causing him to die. Hope she lives the rest of her life knowing what cowering in a corner did.

The Rock has a white supermodel daughter with breast implants. She must have double-D titties. Way to make the movie relatable – cast only models.

So thanks to the seismologists being at the Hoover Dam, they can predict earthquakes now! And they predict somehow in like 10 seconds that the whole San Andreas fault will blow up. They will be thanked later for saving lives.

Rock saves his wife, last second. She fucks around and it’s a 2012 movie moment. She actually runs up a collapsed concrete thing, jumping onto the line (that is dangling from Dwayne’s helicopter. He turned it on hover mode and it flew itself during all of this). Then they escape falling buildings. His daughter escapes last second death too. It’s all last-second.

The step dad is a real sack of shit. Repeatedly. I smell a Rock Bottom in his future.

Did Cal Tech sponsor this? “The safest place is at Caltech.” “This is Caltech.” Means as much to me as Black River Tech.

The dickhead stepdad dies when a boat crushes him and kills hundreds of others in the Golden Gate Bridge. Like, it’s in San Francisco, what do you expect?

Rock and his ex wife drive over a tsunami, drive a boat through buildings, jump out of a plane…and the climax is him saving his daughter from a building as it collapses. It sucked. I couldn’t wait for it to end.

So Rocks daughter is clinically dead and drowned and yet, for movie reasons, he CPRs her back to life. It actually pisses me off because we accept the death then he brings her back. Since it never works that way, I was offended.

“Now, we rebuild.” Rock says. The shitty movie ends and I’m glad. This movie blew.

Better.
Better than this shitty movie.
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