WCW SuperBRAWL VII (1997) was garbage.

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We open with Piper escaping from a jail cell – with a spotlight actually on him in the jail. He takes off running like you might expect someone who had hip surgery to run. He’s in his kilt. This is how we open the show just after Souled Out, maybe the worst WCW show up until then. Oh boy.

Syxx, who is a kleptomaniac, faces Dean Malenko, who is the Cruiserweight Champ. We learn this is the first WCW PPV available in Australia. While we enjoy a good match, Dusty Rhodes confuses Amtraks for antelopes. The match is a great one. Eddie Guerrero comes out and Bobby The Brain calls him La Bamba. Twice. Syxx wins after hitting Malenko with the belt. New champ.

I think DDP had to adlib his interview until they picked an opponent.

Lucha stars wrestle next. Konnan, La Parka and Villiano IV face Juventud, Ciclope and Super Calo. Traditional match in a lucha style and the match is also great. I think a few of them get hurt. The ending is botched. Juventud kicks out of the power bomb and Mickie James (ref, not roast beef) counts three, doesn’t call for the bell, makes the shoulder up motion but the music hits so he calls for the bell late.

Mysterio and Prince Auekeua will do battle for the TV title next. Wouldn’t you know it, another great match with a fuck finish. Regal interferes and costs Mysterio the match. Then, IKEA gives the belt to Mysterio. Brain suggests he may pawn it.

A Giant interview. Big Show has said in interviews that WCW made him talk like a “giant.” He actually talks calmly and very menacingly here. The only time I have EVER seen Big Show do the giant shit is in WWE.

Diamond Dallas Trash faces Buff the Porn Star Bagwell. Dusty has the worst night on commentary ever. He says “choreographed” and loses it. Everyone stays silent. DDP and Bagwell had a nice little match that again ends in a fuck finish! A run in! DDP wins by DQ.

Chris Jericho faces Eddie Guerrero who comes out to what I am sure is the Badstreet USA theme without lyrics. It’s a pretty good match that goes to Eddie. An actual clean finish, finally.

Pubic Enemy, with unusually loud pyro, faces the Dungeon of Doom. And Harlem Heat. Someone keeps sniffing. This match actually blew. Didn’t seem as exciting as it should have been. Public Enemy wins.

It’ll be Jeff Jarrett against Mongo McMichael next. Debra unintentionally helps out Jarrett, who wins a clumsy match with the football player.

Next, it’s Taskmaster and Jacqueline against Chris Benoit. Benoits murder victim/wife Woman. This match is exciting. It ends with Benoit splashing Taskmaster and Jacquline on a table that doesn’t break. It probably made it a worse move. Fans loved it. Everyone goes nuts and the paramedics come out like it’s real. Paul Orndoroff and Tony the Tiger himself Stagger Lee Marshall comes out. They scream.

The Outsiders and Syxx are out next. They’re wearing shirts that say Aztecha or some shit. Dream thinks it says Alcatraz. The Giant faces The Outsiders by himself. It ends up being entertaining and the crowd digs it. Nash hits a perfect jackknife on Giant. Lex Luger comes out and attacks Bischoff who tries to stop him. Then he racks Nash. Nash submits. Hall gets choke slammed…and pinned too…Schiavone says all the bases are now covered.

Hollywood Hogan is out to defend his title. Dibease and Vincent accompany him. Brain announces that Piper has arrived and in that second, Pipers music hits. Piper comes out, filthy. They do some boring old people wrestling. Wall Street/IRS comes out. Then Sting and Savage, so we see it’ll be a fuck finish. Sting leaves for no reason. Roddy Piper then beats Hollywood Hogan with a sleeper! But Savage gives Hogan brass knuckles…and then Hogan hits him and wins! It makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. Savage rejoins the nWo. He paints Piper. I think it would be cool if someone would paint their opponents with a can of Flex Seal. Schiavone says the referee restarted the match because of Hogan’s feet being under the ropes….

Folks, this PPV had a few in-ring highlights but sucked in general. 4/10 which is an F.

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