WCW Uncensored 1997 was junk.

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WCW Uncensored PPVs have a history of sucking. How will this one stack up? The third annual event from Charleston, SC couldn’t be worse than the others or the first two shows of the year…right?

Now, I want to tell you the stipulations for the main event out of the gate. If WCW wins, nWo must give back ALL of their belts and they’re all suspended for 36 months. Do you expect to see this happen? In any universe? I actually laughed my ass OFF of my body at this. If Piper wins, he gets Hogan in a cage for the title (reasonable). If nWo wins, they get a title shot at any time, in the world (pointless, since they have the top belt). Remember this.

Malenko and Eddie Guerrero open the show up. A few minutes in, we cut to the back where Rick Steiner was out cold and the nWo was standing over him. None of the announcers have a clue who it is. I don’t write on the specifics of the match because I like watching and enjoying them. This was a great match and thanks to Syxx and a video camera, Malenko wins it.

Piper, wearing a cross, acts like a dumb ass in his promo. Jarrett comes in and saves it. Then Mongo fucks it and Benoit psychos it up. I wish the mic would be EMPed whenever Piper is near.

Ultimo Dragon comes out. Sonny Onoo is with him and has a camera bigger than his skull. Dragon faces Psychosis. I’d rate it good. Sonny Onoo is the most stereotypical Asian ever and if he isn’t really like that, it would shock me. Dragon wins with a move Bobby Heenan can’t explain, to the delight of the announcers (except Schiavone who has no sense of humor).

Diamond Dumpster Page is out to talk to Gene Okerlund. But Macho Man brings a Playboy out with Kimberly Page in it. She’s got a long bush. Savage attacks Page and spray paints Kimberly.

A Mortal Kombat match is next between Reptile and Sub Zero. Oh wait. It’s Glacier and Mortis. Brain speculates that Mortis is 6’7″. Schiavone agrees he is at least 6’6″.
Glacier wins with the Cryonic Kick. No fatality. He couldn’t enter the code in time. Wrath/Adam Bomb/Shao Kahn comes out to beat up Glacier with Mortis. Hey, I guess it’s a paycheck and I’d rather do that than work at a factory. Wrath’s move is a rock bottom variation,

We see the nWo fucking with the Steiners on the road and for real causing the Steiners to flip their car. It was hilarious to me.

Buff Bagwell next faces Scotty Riggs in a strap on match. Riggs has the greatest theme song in history (formerly both of theirs)

The highlight of this match is the commentary. Schiavone tells Dream and Brain to put a “sack” in it. The match is awkward. Riggs looks like he has the worst outfit ever on and sports a prominent moose knuckle. Buff wins.

nWo promo in black and white.

Next is a garbage match with Harlem Heat, my favorite tag team ever, and Public Enemy, not my favorite. They bring trash Ito the ring and do a split screen, mid match, with a VERY distracting animated background. It takes up 75% of the screen and distracted, even in my peripheral vision, while I typed this sentence. “He laid his ole tired ass out” says Dream, hysterical over a garbage can hit. I think Heenan loses here. Schiavone is PISSED. Harlem Heat wins with the Harlem Hangover. I don’t know how it didn’t concuss Rocko Rock.

A team WCW promo where the audio guy doesn’t even attempt to keep the levels audible. Giant will scream then start whispering.

Prince IKEA and Rey Mysterio wrestle. Iekea actually wins after giving his opponent more time. He counters the jumping bean move and wins.

Finally the main event. Michael Buffer is out. He explains the complicated ass rules in perhaps the worst written way imaginable. Hawking would be confused. He repeats the RIDICULOUS stipulation for what WCW gets if they win. If WCW wins, nWo must give back ALL of their belts and they’re all suspended for 36 months. Do you expect to see this happen? In any universe? I actually laughed my ass OFF of my body at this. If Piper wins, he gets Hogan in a cage for the title (reasonable). If nWo wins, they get a title shot at any time, in the world (pointless, since they have the top belt). I think it’s clear Team Piper will win.

Christian Murderer is out against Scott alcoHall. The Giant is out then, introduced awkwardly by Buffer without the “The.” Giant goes over the top tope instantly and he is eliminated which surprised everyone. Savage, Jarrett and Luger come out. Then it’s Nash, Scotty Steiner and Mongo who has the stiffest body. Piper staggers out, nuts. Finally, Hollywood Hogan comes out with Dennis Rodman, ready to suck his dick from the way he’s looking at him. AlcoHall can’t get Benoit up for his move because the future killer is 87% torso. You can check out the full results elsewhere. Luger comes back and instantly eliminated all of the nWo except Hogan who cheats to win. Rodman paints Luger. Now check this dumb shit out. Sting comes down from the rafters AFTER ALL OF THIS. He kills the nWo except for Hogan and Rodman. Someone nails Sting in the head with a large soda that appeared to be a completely full cup. I can only assume it was one he bought with the intention of saving it to throw at the end of the show. I hope his friends know what an epic toss that was. It made the show worth seeing. Sting kills Hogan and we go off the air. Well, to credits.

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Some decent wrestling mixed with typical WCW idiotic storytelling, typical nWo winning everything, typical senseless Sting appearance and really, despite a hot crowd at the end, an empty show. But Hogan couldn’t lose with Rodman around….


Hulk Hogan sucks.

 

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