Review: Star Trek: Generations

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Star Trek: Generations is absolute shit. It is the first Next Generation movie, the first sequel not to include the number in it (7) and just a train fucking wreck.

The movie opens with the Enterprise B, brand new, and James Kirk along with the only other original cast members who would agree to do this shitty project, Chekov and Scotty. They’re giving an honorary send-off to the brand new ship when, of course, a distress call comes in. They’re within Earth’s solar system and they say they’re the only ship in range. What the fuck? That’s just bullshit lazy writing, Rick Berman. They also do a send-off voyage without a tractor beam or medical staff. This sets the tone for the movie – stupid lazy convenience-writing.

The distress call is a setup for pretty much everything in the movie. The Nexus, a ribbon/energy wave that destroys stuff but also is like being in Heaven, because you’re anywhere you want to be at anytime. That’s there. Sauran. A guy who was in the wave when he was beamed out/pulled out. Even Guinan/Whoopie Goldberg was on the ship. Kirk dies doing something manually on the star ship.

After we witness the death of the most paramount figure in Trek lore within the opening seconds, we join the Enterprise D crew, on the holodeck of a ship, playing on a ship in the ocean. It is very confusing for non-Trek fans, which is not what you want with a motion picture. Picard learns that his nephew, whom we know from episodes of TNG, has burned alive. What the FUCK?! This movie opens up with some ridiculously heavy shit.

The Enterprise D, looking great on the big screen, arrives at a shitty looking observatory. Evidently, it was attack by the Romulans, looking for trilithium that Sauran stole or something. Sauran needs that to adjust the gravity of systems by killing stars and moving the Nexus to a place he can get back onto it. Why can’t he just fly a ship into it, as is actually asked on screen? “Because every ship that got near it was destroyed.” Why would it matter, though, if you were pulled into the Nexus? James Kirk, we later learn, isn’t even dead but is actually inside of it. See, the plot is pointless, senseless and overly complex.

We also see a reused shot of the Enterprise D from the TV series around this point in time. Not the first time they pull this bullshit.

Sauran kidnaps Geordi LaForge for NO REASON. He beams to a Klingon ship. They’re involved, now. They’ve been in every movie, in some fashion, except for Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn (the best one) and Star Trek: The Voyage Home (the second best one, and they still had a Bird of Prey in the movie). It is not the Klingon’s fault but is a sign of laziness, falling back on that same old easy to hate nemesis.

snidely

So Sauran actually tortures Geordi, needlessly, by turning his heart off and on with some kind of switch he had. This was edited from the movie but references were left in. “His heart just wasn’t into it.” Picard and a manic depressive Data, who’s instantly decided to install an emotion chip that he had in the show decided not to use, figure out where Sauran is headed. How? Because they search for planets that support life within the Nexus’s path and there is ONLY ONE IN THE GALAXY.

They get there and the most complicated thing I’ve ever heard on screen gets said. It is during the negotiation for Geordi’s release and Picard’s transfer. I am convinced that no one knew what the fuck was going on during this scene. Picard beams to the Klingon ship which beams him to the planet to keep Sauran’s location safe, while the Enterprise beams Geordi back from the Klingons. The problem is that the Enterprise is VASTLY superior in strength, as is said on screen, to the Klingon ship. Why would there even be a discussion when they’ve kidnapped a Federation officer?

So, Picard goes down to the planet, alone, no plan. He manages to screw up entirely and let Sauran destroy the star with a rocket that must have had a warp drive that we never see activated because it could not get to that star in less than about 100 years at the speed it took off at. In 9th grade Earth Science, I made a shitty rocket that launched about as fast as this fucking thing. Even if the rocket had warp, the star would not have gone dark instantly. It would have looked like it was still bright for the time it took light to travel from the star to Viridian III. In the movie, they’re both looking up and it occurs instantly.

Meanwhile, in outer space, Riker prepares to make me hate him forever. See, the Klingon’s installed a peep-camera in Geordi’s eyes and watch him until he walks up to a panel that gives away a frequency to the shields of the Enterprise. This allows the small Klingon ship to attack it and penetrate it’s shields. Did Riker order the shields to be remodulated or go to warp and retreat until they got their shields fixed?

No. He says to lock phasers and return fire and then does nothing. Worf, usually known for his bad ideas, comes up with the first good one ever and says hey, I know about that ship, it does this and I can make it blow up with one torpedo. Riker orders it to be fired. Data celebrates. So does an extra in the background, which annoyed the creators of the movie in the commentary. Idiots. This movie should have annoyed them.

They also reused the special effects shot of the Klingon bird of prey exploding that was in Star Track VI. The ACTUAL SAME SHOT. Did they have no budget for some reason?

So check this shit out. The Enterprise, which can’t scan the surface of the planet because of a made up reason, crashes onto the planet because the warp core overloaded and Riker didn’t think to order it ejected. I love how the “Core Ejection System” is offline, when they need it, too. Like, that would fucking never be OFFLINE. There would be some manual slingshot on that thing to launch it the fuck outta dodge if it were so fragile, it could rupture as often as they seem to do. Troi jumps on the con and gives a “women drivers” joke by crashing our beloved ship into the planet. The Enterprise D – officially DESTROYED. Two major icons, dead in this film. Three if you count Renee Picard. I do. I liked him.

So Picard ends up in the Nexus and the planet gets destroyed. Now, by that logic, flying a starship into the damned thing should have worked. But no. Big plans with little thought. Picard ends up at Christmas and is laughing and the shit is all fuzzy and then he realizes something – it’s fake. Now, at this point, I would have begun imagining myself in the bedsheets of a few super models, but Picard thinks of Whoopie Goldberg. She shows up, because an echo of her is still there from when she was beamed out before (BULLSHIT). She tells him that someone is in the Nexus who can help: James T. Kirk.

Question: They’re already in this thing so how the fuck could a moving energy wave transport them anywhere in the galaxy? Wouldn’t they just go to a recreation of the place inside of the Nexus? Does that mean Picard is really still in it, throughout the rest of the movies?

Picard talks to Kirk who is cooking huge eggs that reminded me of the running of the bulls spoof in Borat. He convinces his Paul Bunyan-ass to help him stop Sauran. So, Sauran kills Kirk. For real this time. He actually dies on film a second time. Is it a good death?

No.

Kirk falls in an obvious CG shot on a metal bridge and spins almost comically. It does not give the impression of the primary Star Trek character ever dying.

PrickHard manages to stop the scarred up Malcom McDowell and save the day, if you consider the ship destroyed and Kirk dead a good saving. I don’t.

Picard beams up to some shitty ship and tells Riker hey another one will be built hey it doesn’t matter it isn’t like we just spent 7 fucking years on this thing. The movie ends and people leave the theater, dejected and maybe with intentions of getting a divorce. I hate this movie and it really shit on the franchise worse than any other film, in terms of what it did, took from us and how bad the story was. Even Nemesis, which was a pure fuck fest, was not as shitty to the fans as this. 1/10 movie.

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One thought on “Review: Star Trek: Generations”

  1. I actually really enjoyed this film. Though I think it is over played as it seems to be on TV almost every weekend. I know I’m not alone in enjoying this movie, but we all have our own opinions. The probability of it all actually happening aside (hey its Sci-fi for a reason) I thought it was an interesting plot.

    Liked by 1 person

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