Review: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

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Star Trek 2, the Wrath of Khan was fucking awesome. I love this movie. It isn’t perfect – but for Star Trek, this was it. The epitome. The apex. The climax. The cum shot. Let’s talk about why in the most foul fashion I can muster.

The movie opens with the characters in outfits that aren’t stupid like the last one. I don’t know what Gene Roddenberry was thinking there. We see Kirstie Alley when she was pretty fucking hot. She is pretending to be the Captain and gets blown up. It is a lot of explosions and acting to find out that it is a training simulation. James Kirk walks in with light behind him, like a fucking boss. It’s pretty cool.

They’re monitoring the kids on a training mission on the Enterprise. Meanwhile, Khan is going nuts. Who is Khan? See, on The Original Series, Kirk found this guy from 1997, which in the 1960s, was viewed like 2250 would be today. He was genetically engineered to be the superhuman and went Hitler on everyone. Then, he was captured and frozen, put on a ship with his other G.M.O.s and flung randomly into outer space. Why do that instead of execute him? I don’t know. It seems like the worst possible decision they could have made with a guy like this. I hate the death penalty but not killing someone like this might kill people who he harms in the future. So James T. Kirk stumbles upon him. Khan was superhuman and could have fucked up anyone he found. Anyone – except James Kirk. Kirk is something unique and special and we aren’t sure what or why that is but in the Star Trek Universe, this is one guy you don’t fuck with. Unless you’re an insignificant scientist named Sauran, then you can just kill him in the 8th movie. Kirk whipped Khan and stranded him on a planet.

That planet shifted to a desert shit world and Khan grew to hate and despise Kirk over this because his wife died in the harsh conditions. Plus, it was sucky there.

He steals a ship and sets out on a mission of revenge to James Kirk. Oh he also puts a worm in Pavel Chekov’s ear. It was scary back then. People didn’t know.

Kirk, who is an admiral from being so bad ass, is training these kids when shit goes wild. He takes command. The kids had to be in awe. This was the fucking MAN and he took control. You knew that at that point, you were part of something special in that crew. At least, that’s what I imagine. Kirk leads them into a situation where Khan, in a Federation ship, puts a lickin’ on them! That’s Arkansas for kicked butt. Khan gloats and basically, that’s all Jim Kirk needs. He disables Khan’s shields at the brink of destruction and puts Khan on notice that Kirk is the deadliest mofo alive. Kirk goes into a nebula, the Mutara one to be exact. Khan pursues.

Here, let me explain a few things. One, this plot isn’t about the destruction of Earth or the destruction of the galaxy or the enslavement of humanity. It is about one dangerous guy with a vendetta against the most legendary captain imaginable. Kirk, in story-telling senses, would have been ranked a 10,000 where as Picard, in a second best sense, would be rated 998. That is how unstoppable they made James Kirk with the villains that he faced (and beat the snot out of) during this film-period. Unrealistic compared to the tone that the show took on with The Next Generation – but still so epic and legendary, it is fun to explore. And as much as I hate William Shitner, I love James T. Kirk.

So Kirk goes into this nebula knowing he is the Mike Tyson walking into a fist fight. Problem is, Khan is no slouch. He’s a superhuman and that actually puts him as Kirk’s most deadly human foe ever. Kirk kicks his ass, though. Bad. It is a cool dog-fight. Then, Khan detonates the Genesis Device. He stole that earlier from some people, including a weird looking blonde guy that is Kirk’s son. Kirk gave birth to perfect German Third Reich kids too! Wow, that guy.

Kirk may have beaten Khan but his ship is pretty fucked up and Scotty, perhaps a little too conveniently for my tastes, is unconscious. So Spock sacrifices himself to save the Enterprise and he dies. He puts his mind into Doctor McCoy, who really did NOTHING this whole movie. Then he dies and its sad. It is especially sad now that Leonard Nimoy himself passed away. However, Star Trek 3 would bring the character back to life, for better or worse. I don’t like killing off characters and bringing them back to life. It creates an unrealistic sense that this can happen when it can not and will not in reality, unless science gets WAY more advanced than we can even dream up right now. Just considering the mortality for the modern audience of this, however, makes me feel like resurrection in mythology, religion or fiction (in other words, in fiction) gives false hope to people.

As for this movie, it ruled. It is the movie I would show to a person to make them like Star Trek. I give it a 9/10.

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