The new Fantastic Four movie is shit.

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Fantastic Four sucked. It wasn’t as bad as the old ones, but it was only about 1% better. The whole fucking movie is their origin story (and it is just as boring as you thought).

We begin with a bunch of kids and a 5 year old that invents a teleported with a catalytic converter. Fast forward to his school science fair and he does a teleporting in front of everyone but gets DQed anyway because they’re idiots maybe Christian too.

Thankfully, someone shows up right then to nullify the feeling of rejection. He gets hired and really just has a big nose. Dave Grohl is Dr Doom. The best scientists are all kids. They make a teleporter and go to the other dimension.

They go to the green shit planet and all hell breaks loose. They get their powers, including Reeds ultra creepy stretch ability. The whole sequence sucks and is basically super traumatic. I get hungry for a balogna sandwich.

Sue Storm doesn’t get nosebleeds now when she uses her powers, which is good because Jessica Alba really put people at risk for her STD with that shit in the previous films. Plus, it made her weak. This movie has a pretty…well, weak Sue Storm. She just flies around mostly and supports the other characters being bad asses. Her nickname should be “Shuttle” and not “Invisible Woman” because that is usually her function.

Slap my head moment: “There is no Victor, there is only Doom.” OR ZUUL!

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“That’s my line!”

Like every Marvel movie there’s a big giant blue energy beam aimed at the sky at the end. Fuck that’s like every movie now. Giant blue energy portal or beam. They can’t do something simple, like a jammed printer that they all four have to fix.

Zoom apparently dies although he probably came back to life in the credits, I don’t know. I’m getting sick of that too. I don’t want to read the fucking Key Grips name to finish a movie.

Speaking of, this movie blew. 3/10.

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