Royal Rumble 1989! Time to watch and enjoy, hopefully. Out of the gate, we get a Vincegasm with “HAAAALK HOOOOGAM.”
The Summit in Houston is our location, with Gorilla and Ventura on commentary.
The Fabulous Rougeaus and Dino Bravo will open the show against a popular Hart Foundation and Hacksaw Jim Duggan! Gorilla notes “that piece of garbage, Frenchie” is at ringside. Jimmy Hart is too. Now, the play by play isn’t much of my style but I’ll tell you that I think this is a great six-man tag match. The Rougeaus win the first fall over Bret Hart. Gorilla informs us that people are “literally hanging from the rafters.” Id like to edit a porno with him doing commentary sometime. Hacksaw and the Harts get the last two falls thanks to the 2X4. What if an amateur wrestler came to the ring with a wooden board?
Million Dollar Man buys a better spot in the Rumble from Slickster. Everyone draws.
Next up, a match zero people care to see: Rockin Robin vs Judy Martin. Sensational Sherri grabs the microphone and cuts a dumb promo and then stinks up commentary BAD. Robin wins but this match was awful and Sheri sounded high.
Next up, the pose down. “Ravishing” Rick Rude with Bobby Heenan vs The Ultimate Warrior. Ventura calls him an “idiot.” He was. Some lady looks at rude with lustful eyes and the world-record for teased hair. Warrior gets cheered wildly. Heenan says “We’re going to need about 15 minutes.” which is hilarious. “Divot-head.” Warrior no-sells “The Brain” squirting oil in his face. I don’t know why, but it’s hilarious to me that Heenan did that. Rude clobbers the FUCK out of the back of the Warriors head with the warmup bar. I love it.
Next up is a Kingly match. Harley Race vs Haku. This would also be two of the toughest people ever in a match. Monsoon says that Bobby Heenan takes “85% of your earnings” when you sign with him. Hilarious. The match is better than I remembered and Heenan plays both sides perfectly, like yelling “we got him!” Haku wins with a “reverse thrust kick.” Also know as the super kick. King Haku wins.
We keep seeing teases for Wrestlemania 5 – no matches, though. Just a gradient background and graphic.
The Royal Rumble is up next. Both members of Demolition draw one and two. Andre the Giant dominated the first third of the match and folks – he’s the most uncoordinated wrestler ever. Like an old person.
Stuff happen. Hogan comes out and isn’t exactly all-welcomed. Some how, at 3 am, more traffic comes down my street than Times Square. A jet flies over my house. I have a heart attack from hating it so much. Macho Man gets chants. Warlord gets eliminated instantly. Hogan eliminates Bad News AND Savage, like a cheap fuck. Savage is mad and Jesse doesn’t blame him! Neither do I, because I hate Hulk Hogan like he hates black people. Savage and he make up. Hogan gets eliminated, shocking many screaming women.
John Studd comes out, an “odds on favorite” according to Monsoon. Dibease turns out to have “bought” number 30 from Slickstah! Tito misses the fuck out of a drop kick but Barbarian goes out anyway. Comes down to Akeem, Million Dollar Man and John Studd. Akeem tries to take off Ted’s pants and gets eliminated. Comes down to Dibease and the big man. They go at it for a few seconds. Studd wins. He’s way better than Andre, just to be honest. I like Andre, anyway! Just…he was a one-trick pony.
This ended up being an alright match. It was star-studded, too.
Overall, an underwhelming Royal Rumble. 6/10.