Royal Rumble 1995 sucked.

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Pamela Anderson arrives and the whole locker room jeers her like they’ve never seen a set of insanely-fake tits before. It’s the Royal Rumble 1995 – beach theme!! Vince McMahon and Jerry “The King” Lawler are on commentary.

“Everybody and his brother who’s married to his sister is down here from Nashville” King says. Jeff Jarrett comes out to face Razor Ramon for his IC belt. Razor gets counted out but Double J says he didn’t come here to win, lol. He says Razor needs to come back and Razor does.

We go back stage to the nerd-lady Stephanie Wyman (sp?) and Todd Pettengill who is with Pamela Anderson.

A match of death and taxes next. IRS, part of the Million Dollar Family, faces The Undertaker. Vince says IRS’s technical skills rival Bret Hart! So if Bret was a 10, Irwin would be a 9 or above in technical aspects. King wants to know who is doing the Irwin chant and thinks it might be Lawrence Taylor. King is ready to punch him in the mouth. King also says Vince is in the NFL too, right? The National Federation of Losers! King mentions that Paul Bearer is so obese, he heard his blood type was Ragu. Taker beats IRS but the druids attack him. The match sucks and I take a coughing fit up like Imus. Bundy comes out and beats up Taker. Story was that Bundy was considered to beat him at Mania, around this time!

Up next is our world title match between my all-time favorite wrestler, The Hitman Bret Hart and my not favorite or even close, Diesel. This was Diesel’s first title defense and it didn’t help him. Bret gives away TWO pair of glasses, which I’ve never seen him do before or since. Diesel’s entrance is bad ass. The truck drives to the screen which explodes. King reminds us that he absolutely hates all of the Hart family. Except for Owen – a little. We get about as good of a Diesel match as we ever could, thanks to Bret. HBK stops Diesel from pinning Bret with a Jackknife. Shortly after this, if you listen closely, a hillbilly screams “YEEEEEEE-HEEEEEW.” Bret uses a chair and doesn’t get disqualified! He gets Diesel, who as a child I called Dicksel, in the Sharpshooter. Owen breaks it up. STILL no DQ. Then everyone runs in, and we get a draw. Fuck finish for a PPV. It sets up Bret/Backlund for Mania, as well as Diesel/Shawn. Shawn winning the Royal Rumble, by chance, also does that. Vince idiotically speculates that Diesel may be going for Bret’s bad arm when they’re about to hug.

Todd is back in Pamela Anderson’s dressing room. She’s looking for Tommy Lee’s dick.

It’s Bob Holly and 123 Kid against Bam Bam Bigelow and Tatanka. Surprises me that this match is after the shitty world title match. It’s for the tag team championship, and somehow the Kid and Bob Holly win. The Kid looks like he has a perm.

Todd does a Royal Rumble pre talk and says karma may have kept Lex Luger from winning the title. Yeah or backstage political bullshit.

Pam Anderson comes out and has hard enough nipples for an 8 year old to use in the 90s when the Internet wasn’t as big. Time for the ROYAL RUMBLE.

HBK and the Bulldog are out first. Pam seems impressed by HBK, who sells like he invented selling. It’s a fast paced Rumble, 60 second countdowns. Jiggalo Jimmy Del Ray goes out first. Doink the Clown gets a huge pop. King says he drove his Lincoln Clown Car to the Rumble.

When Owen Hart comes out, Bret attacks him to a big pop in the aisle. As Bret leaves, Timothy Well of the team Well Done comes out to an accidental crowd pop. Do you think he boasted about that to anyone? “Guys! I got a hero’s welcome tonight. This Well Done thing is getting over.”

This Rumble absolutely blows. I don’t remember a Rumble having less stars. HBK wasn’t even a main-eventer, yet. Vince does his high pitched voice the ENTIRE match. For fucks sake MANTAUR is in this. I may as well have tried to spell a Chinese word than type his name on my iPhone.

King points out that Lex Luger’s father is strong, too – raising dumbbells like him. Bret Hart attacks Bob Backlund when he comes out, too. The Rumble has so few people in it, Dick Murdoch comes out. He was a virtual unknown to the young viewers of this time. Don’t you just know Pam Anderson was bored to death?

So HBK goes out but only one foot hits the floor and he wins the Rumble. Then he dances sexually against Pamela Anderson who was laughing and ran off to get Hepatitis C. That’s the show, it sucked.


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