Royal Rumble 1991 – A classic event that kind of blew.

Royal_Rumble_1991

Royal Rumble 1991 is one of my all time favorites. That doesn’t mean I can’t find a lot wrong with it though, stupid.

We are live from the Miami Arena in Miami, Florida. First, we sing America the beautiful. This helps set the patriotism theme for our USA vs Iraq main event. We see a kid with a wart on his finger. Gross. I wouldn’t hang out with kids with warts. You need to have standards.

VINCE is here to tell us it is time for the Rumble. It’s time for the Roooooyal Rumble! The theme music for the Rumble is just perfect. Gorilla Monsoon and Hot Rod Rowdy Roddy Piper are on commentary. Piper may have snorted a liter of cocaine before this. My cat took a fucking shit.

The Orient Express begin the festivities against the Rockers! This is a match to see. I’m not going to do play by play, as usual, but I would recommend this. Shawn Michaels, who we know through history as the best performer in wrestling, could have been a “bar-raiser” to the others in this but they all deliver. The Rockers pick up a fantastic win as Marty Janetty wins with a sunset flip.

Next, an interview with the Macho King. I’m not sure, but this is one of the first times he wore his signature cowboy hat and jacket with streamers. Mach says Sensational Sherri is about to bait the Ultimate Warrior into giving a title match to Savage.

Sherri seems to be high. She says she knows the Warrior is watching this. So he must have seen Macho King saying this was a trick! Sherri still tries to fool Helwig by getting on her knees and makes him think she’s going to suck a roided dick. Warrior sniffs his fingers. Savage runs out through the crowd and up to Sherri. He thinks about punching her. He once slapped Torrie Wilson on camera.

The Barbarian with The Brain faces the Big Boss Man, who is mega over. Boss an had a Confederate flag on his shirt. This wouldn’t endear him to the informed crowd in 2015, but there are still lots of halfwits who argue that the flag is about heritage – lol. Yeah, heritage of going to war so you could own people. Hicks. The match is pretty sloppy and the Bossman wins.

Sgt. Slaughter and Saddam Hussein do an interview next. Slaughter had an Arab headdress on because it’ll help racism. No matter what anyone ever says, he’s a total sellout for doing this shitty angle. I can’t believe anyone cheered him after this. Warrior does a promo no man or woman can ever make sense of.

Slaughter comes out in a TOTALLY different outfit than the one he was wearing 8 seconds ago. Gorilla Monsoon said Sarge doesn’t represent the WWF – even though he actually does because he’s doing a WWF storyline. Warrior clothes lines Saddam and Sarge so hard, his MIDSECTION snaps the flag pole, LOL. When Warrior snaps the flag and rips it, the crowd loses it like Oprah just gave them all cars. You know, Warrior has the highest win-loss ratio of any wrestler in history? He only lost like three or four ever, including this one I believe. Macho King hits him in the aisle as hard as he can. Trying to hurt him. Savage throws a light on him too. The Warrior crawls back. Sarge hugs Warrior for like 4 minutes because wrestling is fake. Sherri returns in a new outfit – probably a lot “safer” to be press slammed in. Warrior grabs her hair and throws her at Savage. The morally-suspect crowd cheers this violence against women. Incensed, Savage slams Helwig in the “brain” with his scepter. He swung that thing like he swung in the minor leagues. Sarge pins the Warrior and wins the title. A Hogan chant erupts, probably giving Terry Bolea an orgasm.

At this point, Rowdy Roddy Piper, unaware that wrestling isn’t real because of cocaine, goes insane. Gorilla will have to calm him down.

We see a promo for Wrestlemania in the L.A. Memorial Coliseum – where it WON’T be. The lie they tell is that they had terrorism concerns about a 100,000 person event. Problem is, you’re still doing a 25,000 person event. The real reason was that the event wasn’t selling tickets for shit.

The Mountie will face Koko B. Ware, next. This functions as a calm down period for the fans and announcers after the previous match. Gorilla calls it a “belt” several times, pissing off future-Vince McMahon who is anal about meaningless stuff like that. Piper mentions someone named “Ad-noid.” Gorilla says The Mountie was trained by Canadian Mounted Police and uses their moves to pacify his opponents. Moves like a back body drop or the slingshot. The Mountie wins.

Some interviews with Savage and Slaughter. Piper gets so insane, he slings his headset off when spitting.

Some horrible interviews with fans saying comeback safe and whatever. A female cop comes across so awkwardly, I busted out laughing. Cops are usually pricks and stupid.

We see a bunch of promos and Tugboat concludes it. Gorilla and Rod seem to laugh at it.

Dusty and Dustin Rhodes take on Dibease and Virgil. No interview with the Dusts, perhaps because they were on their way out of the federation? Dusty loses cleanly by roll-up. Then, Virgil decides to stop taking shit off of Dibease and clocks him with the Million Dollar belt.

Hulk Hogan shows up next to botch his interview. He fucks up several things in this – most noticeably by forgetting Saddam Hussein’s name. “Su-Don Hussein.” he stutters out. It’s great!

Time for the Rumble. Bret Hart and Dino Bravo begin the match. Gorilla says Bravo is a cheapskate. Unlike some years, this Rumble is balanced and seems pretty entertaining throughout. Tony Atlas, as the racist Saba Simba, comes out. Gorilla has a hard time keeping up with his elimination. The Undertaker takes the honor of eliminating Bret Hart. Someone misses their spot, which we later figure out was the Macho King. That’s realism – he skipped out because of the Warrior being after him. Gorilla speculates that it could be a guy who got scared after watching it. Gorilla Monsoon.

Bushwacker Luke comes out and is just about instantly eliminated. He just keeps going and it’s hilarious. It’s like he’s just an idiot. Knobbs comes in and everyone starts pounding him, like a rib or something. The Model makes an incredible showing and sets a record for being in the Rumble, nearly 53 minutes. It comes down to Earthqauke, Brian Knobbs and Huuuulk Hogan. Hogan no sells Earthquake’s earthquake. He gets up and goes nuts but drops Quake on him in a slam. The chant for Hogan is pretty intense. Earthquake pins Hogan so he can kick out and Hulk up. How did this shit ever fool people? Piper keeps accidentally cursing as Hogan makes a fool out of wrestling by dancing around the ring. Earthquake has to act dazed for like 30 seconds as Hogan showboats. Piper gets pissed, shouting, “Look at what you’re doing dammit!” Hogan wins and starts pulling signs out of the crowd to point at. He gets a flag and starts waving it then he starts pointing up – I assume at his “god” – and thanks him for help in that fake wrestling match. That’s our Rumble. I don’t think it was as good as I remembered as a kid.

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