In Your House: Mind Games is our next show and the tenth In Your House to be done! Yes, the house set is STILL used.
We begin with the Free For All! I know plenty of people have been saying listen, Savio Vega had been opening too many events. I agree! Marty Jannetty is in the ring to face an opponent…Savio Vega, dammit! At least he’s not opening the PPV itself. Bradshaw appears and is mad that an immigrant is wrestling. We hear an ECW chant. Vince mentions that some “local promotion” was there, and he’s glad they bought tickets. I can see the Sandman, smoking. Ha. Savio counters a cross body and wins. He gets attacked by Bradshaw. Uncle Zebekiah (Coulter) shows up too.
In Your House: Mind Games is ON! Vince, JR and the best gum slapper on the planet, Mr. Perfect are on commentary. We open up with a Carribean Strap Match. Bradshaw against…WHAT THE FUCK, Savio Vega again! How many times? JR says the match “can only win” by touching four corners. King isn’t there to keep him in check. Bradshaw beats the shit out of Savio. Savio wins in pretty much exactly how he did against Stone Cold.
We get a quick cutaway to “Razor and Diesel” attacking Savio Vega!!
Next up, the best moment in WWF history: Jose Lothario coming down to the ring to the tune of Sexy Boy. He’s also wearing some kind of Monopoly Guy’s jacket with the tail cut off. Jose is 62, says JR. By comparison, Sting just main evented Night of Champions at 57. No one is into this match in the arena except for Vince McMahon. Jose wins with a highly technical maneuver: the punch. Once again, a song singing about not being women’s boy toy, just being a sexy boy, plays. Perfect even mentions that he needs a new theme song!
Brian Pillman comes out!! Yes!! He’s wearing an “I don’t call 911!” And a gun below it. He talks about how shitty Philadelphia is. Owen Hart runs out. He says Bret may be getting “sin ul, senile.” Stone Cold comes out with his trademark vest. He cuts a promo on Bret Hart and calls him shitman.
The British Bulldog and Owen Hart are out next to hopefully take the tag belts off of The Smoking Guns. Sunny’s large picture is defaced an Bulldog and Owen pretend they did it. Sunny’s acting is beneath middle school play skill level. JR asks why he doesn’t get the benefit of the doubt. He says Vince did when he was indicted. Vince instantly cuts him off. Bulldog is called the strongest man in the WWF but I think Ahmed could give him a run for his money, Sid too. Now, this has nothing to do with the match or even pro wrestling in general but I know how you can have popcorn that tastes just like the movies and the fairs!!! First, buy a brand at the store. Go ahead. Next, pop it. Simple so far. Finally, set it out for a week. Then, it’s ready.
Bulldog and Owen win the tag titles and the crowd loved it! Sunny says she gave “everything” to the Gunns. Did they fuck her? Wonder what the going rate was back then? For Ahmed, it was a little coke. Now days, you can watch her rub a packet of bologna in between her legs on Skype for cash.
Mankind and Paul Bearer are backstage.
Ooh yes! It’s time for the King! Lawler says the only reason he watched any of the Olympics were to see if one synchronized swimmer drown, if they all had to drown. Vince laughs his ass off at that. King faces Mark Henry in his debut match and Henry puts some knots on him! He shoves King on his way out of the ropes once and really, King flies out and hits the guardrail. Lawler has said in interviews that it was an insanely powerful shove. Henry wins with a back breaker. The Rockers and HHH attack Henry after the match and he beats all their asses! Wow! He gets some fucking fireworks at the end of that!!!!! I don’t think they pushed him enough. Maybe have him save a choking kids life on his way back to the dressing room, then cure cancer.
We hear that next PPV will be In Your House: Buried Alive! A fucking buried alive match! How awesome. We already know it’ll be between Undertaker and Mankind and if Mankind wins the belt tonight, it will not be on the like because this isn’t sanctioned. JR wonders out of the left side of his mouth why and Vince said “Obviously because of the danger.” He shits on JR.
Goldust and eternally-hard-nippled Marlena are out next to face the Undertaker in a Final Curtain match. This exciting match can be won only by…pin fall. Yes, it’s a no dq match with submissions removed. Cornnnnnnnnnn
So we get a pretty alright match, although it’s been going for way too long. Undertaker wins with a Tombstone Piledriver. Takers gloves are covered in gold paint from touching weirdo.
The main event is next and it is a match everyone should see. Shawns pre match interview makes him seem really nervous. We see a good match but DICKHEAD HBK is here for business. Shawn appears to jump into the corner for a counter behind him but Mankind isn’t there. Shawn shouts “COME ON!” and Foley slaps him! LOL.
Shawn shoves the referee in the face. JR calls it pretty stupid! Vince, who is disagreeing with everything JR says tonight, asks “Is it?” He even looks to make the point that Shawn being DQ’d saves the title but he stops. Stop defending the prick.
Shawn gets in virtually all of the offense, similar to last month’s Summerslam. Offense continues for a long match. I wish I could cloak myself in someone else’s body.
We see the most awesome table bump in WWE up until that point. Vince comes off headset and starts talking to the referee. He’s acting like he’s saying “Stop the match. Stop it.”
Shawn jumps off a chair and hits Mankind with a superkick, against a chair. HBK goes for the pin and Vader comes out – late. This guy fucked up everything! HBK has to jump off of Mankind to attack Vader or the three count would have finished. It was an absolutely incredible match. 5 star match! HBK wins by DQ.
Some shenanigans with Sid and Vader and then Undertaker comes out of the casket! I knew it was there for some reason. He and Mankind fight. What does this leave our World Wrestling Federation champion to do?
A striptease. JR even says “He’s a man’s man.” Which was 1996 for “he’s not a gay.” A lot of wrestling fans, not known for their thinking skills, were suspecting it around this point. The heart tattoo on Shawn’s ass we see didn’t help matters.
But we also got to see a fantastic show capped off by a great main event. Probably the best In Your House event yet! 8/10.