In Your House 11: Buried Alive stunk

IYH11

Two In Your House PPVs back to back a month apart could be a hard sell. What could be a selling point? How about a BURIED ALIVE match!!?

PlayStation presented In Your House: Buried Alive. The Market Square Arena in Indiana hosts the event! And finally, FINALLY The HOUSE set is gone! It’s a mock-graveyard entrance. Thematic. King is back on commentary, too! With Vince and JR, who is upset because he doesn’t have a microphone.

Savio Vega was scheduled to face Stone Cold, continuing Vega’s trend of opening shows…but he is injured. HHH faces Stone Cold Steve Austin. JR’s mic keeps cutting out. It’s a rib by Vince. For some reason, both Austin and HHH get in the face of some fat Hoosier. It seems like they’re just doing a strange dance. They don’t do any moves and fuck around! Vince calls them both future WWF champions. The match ends up being more about Vince and JR arguing! JR says Helmsley needs a haircut.

Mr Perfect comes out and Austin gets in his face and says “Get the fuck out of here motherfucker.” And Perfect called him a “Son of a bitch.” Perfect leaves with Helmsley’s lady. Austin ends up winning with a Stone Cold Stunner. He mouths to Bret Hart on the way to the back. I liked that. No celebrating. Win and exit and the camera follows them to the back. That doesn’t happen as much, because of gawdy fucking stages.

The Smoking Gunns will unfortunately be in action next against The British Bulldog and Owen Hart for the WWF tag-team titles. Billy Gunn is storyline-smitten with Sunny. Look bro if you want me to save you some time and Hepatitis C treatments, go fold about four pieces of sliced turkey together, then hit them as hard as you can with a closed fist about 86 times. Speaking of, she’s in the back watching. The Gunns screw up and Hart and the Bulldog win.

Ross finally goes off and claims he brought back Bret for tomorrow’s Raw. He walks out and tosses his mic to Vince, who makes a great catch. Mr. Perfect takes over commentary, hyping his return to the ring tomorrow night. He also says he’s going to whip a bunch of ass, and King asks if we can say “the A word” anymore.

Wildman Marc Mero faces Goldust for the Intercontinental Championship. Vince puts Sable over and suggests King talk to her. He said he can’t talk to her and gag at the same time. King says Goldust is only here because of the WWF’s “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy. Mero wins with the Wild Thing/shooting star press.

A battle of the powerbombs is our next match. Sid vs. Vader and the winner gets a WWF title match. Sid gets a simply huge pop! Vader looks angry. He’s probably realizing that his push has been sabotaged. Shawn Michaels comes out to be on commentary. The interesting part of this contest is that neither man can get the other in their powerbomb! Sid wins with a choke slam.

Hype for Survivor Series, with the World Trade Towers in the graphic.

JR runs in and interrupts Doc during a Sid interview. Sid fucks up the interview on an epic level. “Go to my destiny, and make my conquer.” He stutters out.

Time for our main event – The Undertaker vs Mankind in a Buried Alive match. The match spills out quickly into the arena. King noticed an ugly fan and wonders if her undertaker knows she got up. Undertaker hits a flying clothesline over the guardrail, a wicked spot. Mankind rolls a joint and stabs Undertaker with it. Mankind hits a chairshot on Taker and he falls on the ground where no less than 4 pounds of food is sitting. Did the fans just toss shit down? I would have. I always do that. Last time I went to a WWE event, the camera man walked by me and I flipped some switch on his camera. I don’t give a fuck. What were they going to do, make me go home early and miss traffic?

The Undertaker buries Mankind alive and wins! Undertaker decides that he will actually kill Mankind here so he keeps burying him and fights off referees. Suddenly, a random new villain debuts, The Executioner. He breaks a gimmick shovel over the Undertakers SKULL! MAH GAHD. All of the heels help bury Undertaker. The lights go out so that I guess Taker can roll into a trap door or get out of it. A fan perfectly throws his Coke cup, empty of course, into the grave as we watch simulated murder.

Do these guys not understand that this isn’t a real graveyard and that this is going to be taken down in like an hour?

We go off the air with The Undertaker reaching out of the dirt! He’s alive! He will not rest in peace, Vince screams. And that’s our show, folks. Quite frankly, the main event saved it from being one of the worst IYH shows I’ve seen. Even with it, 5/10. The commentary/JR stuff was maddening, to me.

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