In Your House 13: Final Four wasn’t very good.

50% of the poster didn't wrestle on the show.
50% of the poster didn’t wrestle on the show.
In Your House: Final Four was the road to Wrestlemania 13 and was an effort to get the product moving in a firm direction, thanks to the fickleness of HBK “losing his smile.” At least he found his cunt.

The show opens with a shitty pyramid logo and football music. Someone runs into the camera while JR and King are speaking. King points at them! No Vince on commentary tonight. We are in Chattanooga, TN for this event.

We begin with Wildman Marc Mero against Leif Cassidy. Mero seems more aggressive than recently. Sable has glasses on, like the time they were going with a domestic abuse storyline for a week before dropping it. Mero wins with his shooting star press, called “The Wild Thing.” King says his motto is “Never hit a woman with glasses. Always use your fist.” He placed third for mayor in Memphis after this, FYI.

We see a flashback of Shawn losing his smile so he didn’t have to lose to Bret at Wrestlemania. The main event, originally to decide who would challenge HBK for the title (Bret Hart), will now be to crown a new champion. They’ll also face Sid tomorrow night on Raw.

Flash Funk comes out. He teams with Bart Gunn and Goldust. They face the Nation of Domination, still sung to the ring by the two grits JC Ice and Wolfie D. They’ve yet to get it right. Their mics cut out/are cut off several times. Farooq, Savio and Criminal Crush are wrestling. King says he knew Crush was bad when they went to the store together and he tried to pay for everything in cigarettes. “How about that you old country ass hicks?” Farooq asks of the crowd. Quite funny. Let me tell you about a cluster fuck – this match. Bart Gunn, somehow being pushed that week, appears to have Farooq pinned with a top-rope bulldog. Crush leg drops Bart, which the ref sees and blatantly turns back around from. Ugh. Farooq wins this CF.

Stone Cold has a rather bad interview with Doc PS Hendrix next. Doc’s mic is out for the first half of it.

HHH is out next against the new Intercontinental Champion, Rocky Maivia. He is billed from “The South Pacific.” Vince really jumped the gun on him far too soon. JR says that Rocky’s parents must be watching back home in Tampa (even though their son is from the South Pacific!). “They’re one of those couples that only has the rabbit ear antennas, too. They’ll probably have to have the results phoned in.” King says.

JR identifies The Rock as “Grandson of the High Chief, Peter Maivia.” Check this shit out: King asks, “Where’s he watching from?”

“I’m sure uh, that uh, big…arena in the sky.” JR answers, as though he doesn’t believe in that shit. King subtly adds “Bet it’s real warm!” JR is silent for several seconds, likely laughing as I was at the shocking suggestion that someone dead is in hell! “I doubt it!” He says.

On a roll, Lawler also says to stop talking about Hunter’s nose!! He says so what if he makes Pinocchio look like a cat. Side note: Hunter is chewing gum………………………….……

The hilarity continues in this match as JR mentions all these young talents with their careers ahead of them. “Except for Shawn Michaels! hahahaha” King fucking kills me. JR calls a move a “slu-pex” and King says “A WHAT?” It pisses off the Sooner. King thinks Rocky gets his hair cut at a pet store. Rocky botches a spin over DDT and Hunter just falls straight down on his head. The crowd groans at how nasty it looks. He’s fine. Goldust comes out and rubs his butt. King says he was right about him (being gay). Rocky wins. Then, Chyna appears and chokes Marlena, who checks to make sure hear earrings are ok before selling the choke. Gotta have priorities. “I knew there was something up with that chick.” Some loud kid yells.

The promo for Wrestlemania 13 airs. A logo isn’t even decided for it yet. Vader says Austin’s “canator” mouth and corrects himself to say “gator mouth, canary butt.”

Furnas and Lafon challenge Bulldog and Owen, who cracks JR up by jumping in front of the Bulldog. The match is a rather chaotic CF and Owen, kicking out after like 65 moves, causes a DQ. Bulldog goes nuts, shoving Owen. Apple wanted to change that to “shave.” Hmm. Owen’s Slammy gets broken by Bulldog!

The Final Four match is next. Vader flips off Stone Cold when he gets his his face. He also does a shit shove where he pushes himself back. The match begins and Undertaker and Vader go out of the ring. King mistakenly thinks Undertaker is eliminated, screaming “He’s out!!!” He corrects himself, saying he had a mild-cardiac. He would have a major-cardiac on TV years later. Vader throws Howard Finkel, which delights Lawler into saying, “Get out of the way you little idiot!” Taker kicks the fuck out of the chair Vader grabs and busts him open legit. There were pictures of it in Raw Magazine the following month. Nasty ass gash. Austin hits a Stunner on Undertaker, who takes it wrong. Austin is the first eliminated. RENE GOULET shows up to escort him out. Taker nut-shots Vader out of the ring. Pat Patterson is out to make sudden, jerky movements. With Austin interfering, Bret clotheslines The Dead Man out of the ring to win his 4th WWF Championship. JR tells us to stay tuned, because more is coming up. We see a generic, horrible Wrestlemania promo with no matches and the previous years logo turned silver, with another I photoshopped in.

Thanks to JR warning us, we see Sycho Sid unexpectedly come to the ring. How did JR know something was going to happen?

Anyway, solid main-event but not much else of a show. Tons of botched matches and spots. And considering Bret’s title reign would end the following night on Raw, it’s hard to even like the show for the main event itself. 4/10.

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