Happy Mother’s Day and welcome to IYH A Cold Day in HELL. The house set is back but with a noticeable change – a video wall now occupied the giant window section. Also, the fireworks we begin the show with seem like an amateur set them. Tito Santana is on Spanish commentary!!
Flash Funk opens the show. This gimmick was torturous from day one and that’s coming from a Doink the Clown fan when Vince pushed him. Flash faces the man who will take over WWE in the future, Triple H. He also has Chyna with him. King needs the word “dojo” explained. There appears to be an issue with the white balance on the cameras. Helmsley hits one of the craziest belly-to-back suplexes off of the top rope. He flips Funk in the air. One Pedigree later and he wins. Chyna does a little roughing up of Flash.
Mankind is out next. Paul Bearer isn’t with him after the botch filled main event last month at Revenge of the Taker. Foley faces Rocky Maivia. There’s a random smell my nose is catching that tells me something is rotting in this room. JR refers to Rocky as The Rock. JR says that Mankind is a father and asks “father of what?” Of fine ass Noelle FOLEY. Duh. “His old dead granddad,” King sensitively mentions about Rocky. When the future megastar goes for his finisher, a cross-body off of the top, Mankind rolls through and puts the mandible claw on, to win.
The Nation comes out next, sung off key completely by JC Ice and Wolfie D. Ahmed Johnson has to run the gauntlet to potentially disband the Nation. He also has been covered in baby oil, which makes the bottle of water he pours on himself on the way out bead-up like Rain X. JR gives away that Ahmed will beat Crush by asking who Ahmed will face next. Then, Ross asks King about Henny Youngman. King is sick of these references that he says his great grandma might get. I want to inform you of something, now. Ahmed Johnson is a horrible wrestler. Just as I am trying to talk about actual wrestling, Jim Ross gets sexual. “You know as well as anybody, big Johnson is hard to handle.” Hint that Lawler has a big dick, which Lawler said in his book about his “scepter.” Maybe King does, but I’ve also heard it was little and that came from women that live around him. I don’t really give a fuck. I know I’m huge.
Ahmed eliminates Crush with a weird rolling kick. Savio challenged him next and Ahmed is totally gassed. King even calls him out on being dead. On top of that, a full ass cheek of Johnson’s is exposed and the wedgie gets worse. He fixes it when he gets rolled back into the ring, about 14 minutes after I could sculpt his ass in modeling clay from memory. Savio is disqualified and Farooq comes out, taking off the sling and beating up Ahmed. Now, for zero reason, Ahmed hits his finisher but the referee doesn’t count, and Ahmed acts like he’s just too sore to sit up. He lets go of the pin position, crawls back over Farooq and at 2 and 9/10ths, the Nation leader kicks out. Farooq wins with a dominator. Ahmed leaves, dick noticeably smaller than when he entered and ass cheek exposed again.
Ken Shamrock will enact some WWF justice on Vader. Story is that JR told Shamrock to make Vader pay for the arrest in Kuwait, which happened when Vader roughed up a guy for asking if it was fake. Todd Pettingzoo even mentions it in the pre-match. Vader also mentions that ABC “mentioned the most dangerous man in the world but they said nothing about the World Wrestling Federation.” Well unless is stationed on Mars, that includes the WWF. Howard Finkel explains the rules and the full screen says there is a standing 8 count. JR corrects it. Now, I’ll just be honest. I hate Vader. He’s a fat piece of shit and a fucking asshole who worked too stiff which is another way of saying he abused others bodies to make money. He broke a guys back once. Killed him or crippled him. Something bad. So he deserves this. And “this” is a merciless ass beating. Oh fuck…I noticed WWE using clover-shaped/shamrock lights…
So the match begins and it is STIFF. Shamrock is, anyway. We can hear and see Vader say “ease up.” We actually get a promo for the UFC’s next PPV. Speaking of it, JR calls a triangle choke a “figure four head scissors.” King says Richmond is proof evolution can go in reverse. Vader literally probably sets the record for rope breaks in this match. It is insane. Shamrock does a cool ground counter to catch Vader in the ankle lock. Ken Shamrock wins. We hear about his challenge to Mike Tyson. He will be involved with WWF within a year but as a referee.
We see 5 empty seats that the Harts have procured from a “scalper.” This is like the most obvious out ever for Austin not winning the strap tonight. Todd calls a choke-slam a “tombstone piledriver!” Dumbass. Everyone comes out, and after Austin and Undertaker, the Harts come out with a pink light on them, down the ramp. Uh, so it’s really just them buying scalped tickets right?
Undertaker is the fan favorite tonight, with Austin being received in lukewarm fashion. The announcers sell it like it is 50/50, though. The match is strange because it seems slow and yet, Austin is fairly dominant. The Hart Foundation get into it with some fans here and there and cause distractions. We keep going back and seeing them, though. Makes it impossible to focus on the in-ring action. JR asks King why he’s not making fun of Stu and Helen anymore, now that he’s pro-Hart. Austin flips off the referee, which gets the biggest pop so far of the night. Then, Earl Hebner flips him back off, which is weird. You trying to get over, referee?
Austin hits the Stunner and Pillman rings the bell, distracting him. This allows Undertaker to hit a tombstone to win. It’s a very nice finish, looking back. We all knew Stone Cold wasn’t winning his first title at a fucking In Your House, but the match itself made Austin look great. Austin actually stuns the deadman and chases the entire Hart Foundation up the ramp.
Rose Anderson, who we are told passed away last night, gets a special happy Mother’s Day from the McMahons. JR mentions she’s in Heaven. How does he know? Did he call the Ross Report?
A starkly different In Your House and one with far more edge, attitude and realism to it. The booking going into it was decently strong, too. 7/10 show.