If you look back at the first episode of Raw, it is a different time for sure. However, it also has enough fuck ups in it to be hard to watch without a groan factory in your living room.
The very first episode of Monday Night Raw opens with Sean Mooney outside of the Manhattan Center. Bobby Heenan runs up and is like hey who are you I need to get in. Mooney is like no. Rob Bartlett replaced you.
Rob. Fucking. Bartlett.
Vince opens the show, introducing Bartlett who salutes. Anytime Cena comes out on Raw, he’s saluting Rob Bartlett. Bartlett begins his botch filled career with #1: “YokozuMa” vs Koko B Ware. Bartlett drops a rare decent joke, saying Koko is Gary Coleman grown up. I make note of this because it is the ONLY decent joke he does this entire show. The announcers are doing this shit where they say “Uncooked, Uncut and Uncensored.” Only one issue: they can’t get it right for the life of them. Bartlett calls him “Yokozuma” again (#2). He’s rapid-fire-joking and they all suck. Yoko wins with a Banzai drop in what is a squash. Rob is asked to do the replay. Vince has to say “Huh?” Bartlett says “If he would skip a few meals, we wouldn’t need to do the whole Headlock on Hunger.” (#3, missing the replay, joking about child hunger).
The Steiners are out against the jobbers. The Executioners. “Nice pants,” Bartlett quips about the Steiners. Then, he shows his depth of knowledge of the of the product, by asking which one is wearing the head gear. (#4 – Not knowing the wrestler is a major commentary botch) “I’ve got one word for ‘Mr Sneider‘ – Electrolysis.” (#5). During the double-noggin-knocker, Bartlett says “Hey, Mo! Hey, Mo!” (#6 – Comparing the product to slapstick humor).
Outside, Bobby The Brain Heenan is in drag, trying to get in.
Vince interviews Razor Ramon. He clotheslined Owen backstage and said “Hey Rocket, did your daddy teach you that one, meng?” It was hilarious. Razor has a very obvious fake front tooth, and he does his toothpick gimmick in Vince’s face!!!! I’m talking right in it. Vince didn’t look happy!
Headlock on Hunger bullshit is next. Bartlett botches his pitch to Tatanka and ends up saying it over Tatanka’s words. (#7) The Native American calls it “Headlock for Hunger.” Then he screams and gives me a headache.
Max Moon has a shot against Shawn Michaels’ Intercontinental Championship. Bartlett does some awful joke about Amy Fischer, who would get that? He also says the Mayor David Dinkins will wrestle Cardinal O’connor tonight.
They come back from commercial and immediately Rob says “You missed it, folks. In the break, Shawn Michaels pulled a knife.” #8 (Referencing knives, Vince got on his ass, prompting an apology). Next, Bartlett does an impression of Mike Tyson that is about 1% different from his standard voice. It goes on for the rest of the match, which is thankfully only about 15 minutes. Michaels hits his superkick, which is just a set up at this point for his side-suplex.
A promo for another new show in the WWF, and one I loved: WWF Mania! Best show ever.
We get a badass Royal Rumble report from Mean Gene Okerlund! They’re doing a weird sound effect of a rock rumbling every time they cycle to a new wrestler in the full screen. It is annoying.
Bobby Heenan tries to get back in, dressed as a Jew.
We see a video of Kamala, who turned good because of Reverend Slick. He chased Kimchee and Harvey Wippleman off.
Undertaker against Damien Demento is our main event. Bartlett asks who the guy with the martini shaker (Urn) is (#9). Vince is sick of him asking and says “You’ve been working with him for a while, who do you think that is?” It is a relative squash match that Undertaker wins.
A full screen advertises that next week, Woody Allen and Mia Farrow will wrestle in a steel cage. What the actual fuck?
The show closes with Crush and Doink into it because Crush doesn’t like Doink’s jokes. Crush chases him around the ring once and then gets in the ring to celebrate with his music. Lol, that’s actually what happened.
And Bobby Heenan is allowed in as we go off the air.