I decided a while back that I should review events I was actually at. This is the beginning of that series. The most prominent event I attended was a little thing you may have heard of. I don’t know. May have heard of it…
I not only was there, but I was front row. $8,200 for two tickets. Seated next to Los Lonely Boys (guests of Stone Cold). I’ll add this unique perspective throughout the event.
Out of the gate, the theme song is very early 2000 – screaming, murder vocals. The show opens with Harlem Boys Choir singing Flag America 9/11 Patriotism or some song. We were all into it back then and of course, we visited Ground Zero. It was boring. At the end of the boring kids’ song, we see a different Freedom Tower. By the way, if you want to see me, there’s a big red head guy front row and I’m the guy next to him. We were huge.
The open has been changed from the live version. The voice over is different. The set/video background fucks up after the fireworks. I think it did that because they had it turned off while the crowd entered and didn’t test it like they should have before the show began. The theme of the event plays, “STEP UP KNOCKED DOWN MURDER FIGHTS SUFFERING.” Tazz pointed at no one when he appears on camera, I was watching because I always had a hunch.
Cena and Big Suck is first. They edited a bunch of Cena’s shit out. The New York crowd was VERY hot for Cena that night. I only had one complaint about the crowd and that was grits screaming “Woooo” in my ears but it’s hard not to. Its special. Cena’s move is still called the FU which means Fuck You Motherfucker. Cena begins his Wrestlemania career, truly, with two FUs and a US Championship!
Coach is walking around backstage. Eric Bischoff wants him to find Undertaker.
We see Evolution (minus HHH). It’s the build to Rock n Sock vs Evolution. Batista’s shoulders stick out like Mr Sinister. We see Orton spit in Foleys face and guess what? It was gross.
A four way tag team match to get everyone on the card is next. Dudleys, La Resistance, Jindrak and Cade and Booker T/RVD. No one gave much of a fuck. Booker and RVD had the weirdest theme music. The graphic doesn’t match the belts. Jindrak screams “Get the fuck outta here!” to Bubba at one point. RVD is the most over in the match. He wins with a 5 Star Frog Splash on one of the Frenchmen.
Coach is looking for noises. He finds Mean Gene and Bobby the Brain being raped by Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young.
Chris Jericho vs Christian are up next. Jericho fell for Trish after betting he could fuck her before Christian fucked Lita and peed on her. In the build up, Christian beat up Trish for not fucking him. Publicly traded. King says it’s tough to look at Trish and say “no hard feelings.” JR won’t say Christian is good looking! This angle also included “CLB” as a nickname for Christian. That’s “creepy little bastard.” Basically, they wanted everyone to know they thought he was ugly. He is.
These two had a nice match, lots of innovative offense. Trish runs out and helps Christian and then turns heel, joining Christian. Because…wrestling. They make out.
Rock and Foley are with Lillian Garcia, who is looking at Rock’s dick. Rock does an excellent promo, 5 star. He tells Rosey to eat Chicken McNuggets instead of a hamburger, “ya fat sumbitch.”
Evolution vs The Rock ‘n Sock Connection is next. Foley comes out, high fives me and no one else on my side and sends me into a full blown mark out. First, Flair works more of this match than anyone I think. He’s also more over with the MSG crowd. At one point, he went nuts and ran by us with a chair. We scared him by screaming at him that he was the man. Not only does Randy Orton win, he does it with an RKO OUTTA NOWHERE on Mick Foley. JR really says that. Orton starts crying on his knees after the match. Loser.
We see the highlights of the WWE Hall of Fame banquet, that I went to. I even saw and said hello to Matt Hardy and Lita. My cousin was pissing and saw Michael PS Hayes, who did a double take like WHO IS THAT? We’re big boys. The event sucked and was really like 6 hours. I wanted to die. Bobby the Brain was the only good part, too. When he said he wished Monsoon was there, it made us all sad. This was the first year they brought them all out on stage at Mania, at the first year it returned too. It was in a shitty hotel ballroom.
We see a promo for the old ass WWESHOP Website.
Next, a demonstration of female athleticism. A Playboy Evening Gown match. It’s Torrie and Sable, whom have cost me many bottles of lotion. Sable decides she wants to begin the match without clothes. They all begin to undress. Tazz pokes Michael with his penis and Cole thinks its a pencil. The match is about as poorly worked as a few 4 year olds, who watch wrestling, playing. If you notice a big red haired guy checking out some ass on Miss Jackie, that’s the family.
We see a load of smelly Brits and I’ll tell you, I had to be around them and they don’t have soap outside of America, apparently.
We see a promo of Chris Benoit almost killing Eddie Guerrero. Go back and watch it – it looks like he is the unstable type. They’re close enough to kiss.
I didn’t even remember this match happened. A Cruiserweight Open. Chavo Guerreo comes out, to defend his belt. Ultimo Dragon comes out and slips! But the WWE edits it out of the Network version. Good thing he didn’t break something – his pyro would have murdered him. That’d have been cool to see. The Ultimo SlipDragon first eliminates Shannon Moore, who will need to resume his career in cooking meth. Jamie Noble taps out Ultimo Dragon, then (really) small packages Funaki instantly. Nunzio gets counted out. Noble is still the legal man. Kidman does a shooting star press off the top onto the floor. Near death. Kidman does a big bomb like maneuver off the top on Noble to eliminate him. The Flash comes in next. No wait, it’s just Rey dressed like a fool. He does a sunset flip off the top on Kidman, who knows what Torrie Wilsons pussy tastes like before it had A Rod herpes dick in it. Mysterio pins Tajiri with a victory roll. Then Chavo steals it from Mysterio with the help of Jose Lothero or someone.
It’s Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar, next. This was going to be such a huge match but the crowd shit on them. It was surreal to be there for that, live, especially in THAT era. Stone Cold also wore his shirt that had a Confederate flag on it. I always liked the skull entrance Austin got at this Wrestlemania. That fucking four-wheeler made the whole place smell like fuel. BTW, notice Austin flip off the fans front row, and laugh? Los Lonely Boys, who were seated next to a couple of SUPERHUMANS! Goldberg runs into his door, forgetting how to open it. Then he hisses like a cat. Really. He’s got a big fucking bandaid on his ribs. Lots of “you sold out” chants to start, which make no sense. No one was leaving for a bigger contract, aka selling out. “Fuck these fucking people, fuck them all.” Goldberg said. Lol, he didn’t say that to the two big fucks front row tho. He shook our hands. “This right here motherfucker.” Brock says. They edit out the MF!! The thing is, the crowd gave them a chance to get started for like ten minutes and they just do this shit where they lock up and stalemate. “This match sucks.” chants. “We want Bret.” chants. “Goldberg sucks.” chants. (Even though he shook my hand, I was chanting it!) Then, a guy in the nosebleeds on the camera side dressed as Hogan starts working the crowd. A “Hogan” chant erupts as fans look at him. Two more chants and a pop for the guy actually happen. A big pop! The guy actually tried tearing his shirt off and couldn’t get it!!! The whole place laughed! Gillberg wins with two spears and a jerk hammer. Austin stuns Brock, who flips the crowd off before flipping him off. Austin stuns Goldie too. The crowd ate that up.
We see fireworks going off outside and sound effects play that don’t even match the fucking outside display. It was cool seeing them doing that.
Vince comes out, out of character, and thanks the crowd for making Wrestlemania possible.
Another throw-away match is next. Tag-team four way. Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty are the champs, defending at Wrestlemania against The World’s Greatest Tag Team, the S&M Basham Brothers and APA. Bradshaw is just about to begin his JBL gimmick and looks exactly like JBL in APA tights. I had a hard time at first with his gimmick change but man, he won me over quick. He was Fox News, George W Bush and J R Ewing as a heel. Great character. He hits the biggest clothesline from hell on one of the S and M guys and then Rikishi hits him with the SHITTIEST Samoan drop ever. Kish sits on the Basham and wins. Some creep in long hair and an Angle jersey, lookin like the villain from Last Action Hero, flips off Scotty in the crowd. It is totally random.
We see a promo for Edge returning. He had a hard time because he was dull by that point.
Jesse Ventura comes out to interview someone next! Get this – it’s Donald Trump! He gets boos. Check this out, Jesse hints at running for President and King jokes about Trump running as VP. Jesse shakes my hand. Not the firmest grip I have seen, but he was hurrying.
Molly Holly vs Victoria in a match that, if Holly doesn’t win the title in, she gets her head shaved. It is 2004, so Jerry “The King” Lawler asks if this will be the first time she has been “shaved.” He’s talking about her vagina, folks. King says we have seen Molly’s granny-panties. The commentary is completely about panties. Victoria wins with a backslide and the crowd slowly realizes that, for a woman to get PPV time, there would be a humiliation involved. Thing is, Molly is gorgeous either way.
We go from objectifying women to the WWE Championship. Eddie Guerrero faces Kurt Angle. I had met Kurt recently and he was so kind, I had to cheer him. I bought an Eddie shirt that night, though. So I cheered both participants, that evening. Eddie had bad body acne from his steroids. Also, Eddie spit in Kurt’s face. Second promo of the night for that nasty shit. “You can’t trust me essay, cause I’m Latin” Eddie’s music says. Clearly, this night is where Donald Trump formed his opinions on Mexican immigrants. The match is good but I think Eddie was off his game, for some reason. He seems just a step-off, and Angle is clearly not. I remember thinking that while there, too. I absolutely hated the finish. Eddie loosens his boot and rolls up the Olympian in a small package, wrapping his feet on the ropes. This match sucked and was boring.
Kane, with half his hair cut, will face the returning Deadman Undertaker. Kane’s entrance sets the CG city on “fire.” It looked wicked. “Oooh YESS.” We hear from Paul Bearer. “My son? You’re no son of mine.” He says to Kane. A small little story tidbit, since Bearer was Kane’s father. Bearer told me, in an interview, that I paid more for my tickets than Vince paid him that night. One of the druids catches on fire, LOL. They hid it but you can see others almost doing it on camera. JR makes note of Undertaker being 11-0 at this Mania, being undefeated. I remember everyone was sort of let down that he was dressed EXACTLY like before but with a Taker cross on his leg – black on black. A back body drop gets botched. You know those throat thrusts these two do? They were illegal under old school wrestling rules. Used to get you DQed. Undertaker wins a relatively quick match with a Tombstone. Just one. It took three during their first encounter at Wrestlemania. That represents the bad booking of Kane, to me. Taker delights Sara by showing his tongue length off. His tongue is longer than some guys’ dicks! But not this guy. A giraffe tongue looks small next to my SLING.
JR says Backlash will be from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. That’s Benoit’s hometown. Gives us some kind of hint, but a lot of people thought it meant Hunter would retain and Benoit would win the next month. I’ll be honest, even though I popped big for Benoit’s win, I was rooting for Triple H. Watch Hunter’s entrance. Us two guys were standing and clapping for the MAN. He walked by and loved it, and threw his water bottle lid in the hands of my cousin casually. Look closely. He’s never done that fucking shit! But we dressed up, bought front row and applauded the champion. You know he dug that, in that mark-fucking-era. Guess what, marks? I was right and he SHOULD have won that night, because instead we got murder/suicide pants!
So HBK is out first and the crowd went mild. He was hat
[/caption]So HBK is out first and the crowd went mild. He was hated for the Montreal Screwjob, still. Not sure why, but his attire looked torn apart that night. Toothless aggression is out next. How do people look at him and not think “psychopath” not even knowing what he did? Then, the big dog comes out. The Game. He tosses my cousin the water bottle lid. He has his white boots on and was on a two Mania winning streak. Earl Hebner checks their boots like its Memphis.
We get underway. Benoit and Michaels do one of the most impressive power-bridge ups. We get a “You screwed Bret.” chant (helped along by me. NeverForget). HBK hits a beautiful moonsault off the top onto the floor. Hunter hangs Benoit in the tree of woe and throws Michaels into it – awesome spot. Michaels reverses HHH on a second attempt and Bennett kicks him. The Rabid Wolverine is definitely the most over with the crowd this night. He hits the diving concussion on HBK. Michaels recovers and tunes up the band for a little SWEET…CHIN….MUSIC on Hunter. Benoit stops the pin. Michaels cuts his forehead with a razor blade. Benet gets Michaels in the crossface but Hunter holds Shawn’s hand up to stop him from tapping. JR and King just sit in their chairs as all three men are on the announce table next to them. Even as Benoit tries suplexing Hunter ON THEM. No sell much? Hunter and Shawn double suplex Benoit through the Smackdown! table. JR starts calling for EMTs. Shawn has enormous blood covering his face. Hunter cuts his forehead with a blade, too. He’s jealous of Shawn. Hunter hits the Pedigree on Shawn! I was excited. That damn little Bennet interrupted the win, though. He wasn’t on my side or I would have stopped him. Benoit puts Hunter in the Sharpshooter. Shawn tunes up the band on Benoit, and covers him. Close two count! He kicked the fuck out of him, trying to hurt him. Shawn goes for it again and Benoit gets him out of the ring. Triple H goes for the Pedigree but the Wolverine counters it into his Crossface and Hunter taps! Amazing fucking match. We were standing and applauding. Truly, 5 star.
Eddie comes out and celebrates with Benoit. A billion pounds of confetti shoot out and JR says this is the greatest Wrestlemania of all-time. It certainly was pretty good!
So earlier in the night, we had been slapping a couple of the wrestlers. A security guard says “Don’t touch the wrestlers!” A little loud! My cousin looks at him to maybe throw him a mile, and he quickly amends his request with “Please!” Well, that made him a target. When the confetti began falling, we began wadding up balls of it and CHUNKING it at the guys head! LOL. We hit him 3 or 4 times and we would just look the ring. Fuck him. He could have said something and we would have ruined him.
So afterwards, they were taking too long to come cut our front row chairs apart (instantly) so my cousin ripped the zip ties off with two fingers, along with the kid’s next to me (who Foley gave his Socko to) and we left.
No matter what I might rate the overall show, I have to give a separate rating to this experience. The show would be a 8.5/10 for me, objectively…but the experience was a 10/10. Once in a lifetime. A dream lived.