Crazy Market for PS Vita is trash.


Even though Crazy Market for the Vita is free, it’s still a rip-off. It rips you off by lessening your trophy completion, because no one in their right mind will ever want to play this more than once. It sucks. I’ll tell you why for a second and then I’m going to go shit.

First of all, it has horrible tap detection. The goal of the game is to tap and pick up groceries, scan them and then put them back on the 2D scanner that is rolling uncontrollably fast without a stop option. To make matters worse, often times, you’ll have several grocery items on top of one another. At an alarmingly high rate, you end up grabbing the wrong item every single fucking time when this happens and fail the day.  Since you can’t play more than three games in a row without paying or cheating, which I’ll tell you about in a second, this is a bunch of bullshit.

You can give yourself infinite energy by advancing the Vita’s clock forward a few hours manually and going back in game (you don’t even need to close out). You’re welcome. Don’t give them a dime for this fuck.

There are sucky dick powerups like laser scanner, which gives you a bunch of coins that you can’t collect because you have to keep scanning or you fail and you have to tap to collect coins yet you must hold down in the direction the laser scanner needs to be scanning not to lose. Get that? It’s fucked. There is also a powerup that drops in a bunch of the same items you can barcode scan at once for a lame little bonus that doesn’t help at ALL.

Speaking of, the barcode scanning feature sucks and is idiotic. You are give the option of remembering 4 digit combinations for several hundred items, which no one besides Lt. Commander Data could do (Lore wouldn’t bother, he’d smash the Vita and murder the creator of this game). You also sometimes are prompted with the barcode mid-sequence but it gives you the combination so it’s not so bad.

The scanner fucks up sometimes, by design, and doesn’t work. How FRUSTRATING of a feature is this? Enough that I pulled my fist back to put it through the Vita once earlier, along with a high-pitched shriel that hurt my own ear drums and inspired the first article I’ve written on this Website for months.

I would give Crazy Market a nothing/10, because that’s what it is worth and it isn’t fun to play at all. It has a complicated trophy list, hard stages, poor design, unfair touch detection and I just hate it in every way. I hate whomever made it, as well. We need some fucking fun titles for this forsaken piece of shit I bought years ago and we’re not getting any. Next time Sony releases another portable system, I won’t bother. They’re NEVER good.


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