I was right. Batman v. Superman SUCKED.

I told you Batman v. Superman would suck and it did. The movie not only sucked from a story perspective but was actually terrible from a cinematography perspective. It lacked cohesiveness in the story and had two of the worst villains in movie history.

The movie begins making me bust out laughing at the stupid scene where child Bruce Wayne flies up in a well because bats are flying in a vortex. It turns out to be a dream but the thing is, it doesn’t seem like a dream at the beginning and that gives a horrible first impression. I was thinking Batman and Robin all over again.

A bunch of shit happens, building up to the final battle for the entire movie. Now, there’s a car chase scene where Batman is murdering everyone right? He is after Luther’s kryptonite. He kills probably 15 people and then he runs into Superman. The scene ends with him failing to get the kryptonite and returning to the Batcave in defeat, almost.

Then, off camera, he steals it from Luther’s HQ. What?

Also, Luther is sending Bruce Wayne returned checks from the cripple that is mad at Superman for losing his legs. It is part of Lex’s plot to fuck with Wayne into Wayne killing Superman, but for no reason in the script, Wayne said he never saw the checks and only saw them like the day of the hearing at the Capitol (that they blew up, wow. What the fuck was the point in that? Two days after Brussels Terrorism…)

Why did Lex Luther decide to tell Superman about his plan, deliberately foiling it?

Superman is, deliberately, a total idiot throughout this. He dies too. The previous sentence contains a spoiler, so fair warning.

In the cameo scenes, Aquaman looked at the screen for what, 20 seconds, before stabbing it? Dumb.

The Cyborg cameo with “I don’t know…how much longer…I can hold this…” Dyson from T2 was dumb as fuck. Also made me realize – why are all black cast members always familiar people? Are they afraid we might not like an unfamiliar black dude? Racist.

I was sitting too close to see anything, really.

Lex Luthor played by Mark Zuckerberg got on my nerves. I knew he would push Freckles off of the building but here’s the question. How could Clark Kunt not hear his mother when she was kidnapped 5 seconds earlier in the movie – but he hears Lois moan barely when she falls? I think he was jealous and creeping on her, otherwise this makes no sense. This iteration of Superman is a psycho boyfriend.

This fucking movie had more explosions than anything I ever recall watching. People started laughing at one point, although I wasn’t laughing because some shithead named Jackson, barely 5 years old, kicked my seat the entire goddamn movie.

Speaking of fictional gods, this movie makes like 9,000 references to god, Jesus, and that horse shit. I laughed and said “HA! They’re all fake” loudly to try to upset Jackson. I think he kicked my seat again.

The movie is shitty as fuck, folks. Batman completely uses guns now and even brands his enemies.

 

We finally get a movie version of Doomsday and it was on par with the let down that Smallville did. He looks like a Lord of the Rings troll – EXACTLY. I’ve heard others say this but I thought it before I read one other mention it. It is that uncanny. Speaking of…why would Batman lure Doomsday to Gotham for something he could just go get and bring back (the kryptonite spear)? That was fucking stupid.

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Above is Doomsday. Below is a photo of me after Jackson kicked my seat again.

Superman is killed by Doomsday at the end but the dirt (looked like potting soil) that Lois dropped on his coffin starts flying. About four words past “dirt,” without a prompt, Apple changed that to “diet.” I’m telling you, I hate Tim Cook so much it burns. Fix this fucking god awful shit, Apple. You fucks!

Wonder Woman, who did a really cheesy “fierce face” in the Doomsday fight, was my favorite part of this movie. I’m just telling you, I would have eaten her pussy on command if she told me to. “Do it, earthling.” She could have said and I’d have been like a goddamn cartoon dog on the thing, a lapping.

All through the Doomsday fight, I kept imagining how bad one of his poops must have been. Do you think it was spiky? I’m guessing it’s just manure like. A poop puddle, ya know.

I’m thinking they were setting up Darkseid coming in and going to town on everyone. The flying Geonosians from Attack of the Clones are his allies or something. I don’t know anymore.

Oh, the Superman casket was black and silver, an homage to his black suit in the comics.

I’d give this movie 4/10, generously. I’d give Jackson a 1/10 and I’d give his mother’s parenting skills a -300000/10.

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3 thoughts on “I was right. Batman v. Superman SUCKED.”

  1. Tyson from T2. This guy is an asshole. If you are going to review, critique something at least state the names correctly. The character was Miles Bennett Dyson and it was played by accomplished actor, Joe Morton.

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