Captain America: Civil War was schlock.

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Want to see a bunch of superheros fight in a manufactured way? Get ready because The Avengers: Civil War is the newest Marvel movie to cash in, I mean, milk the franchise, I mean, to make your dreams come true.

The movie is about Captain America, a guy on PCP who decides he wants to resist the government and fight it for basically no reason. He actually decides he doesn’t want to be government controlled before he has a reason. Conveniently, he gets the reason to do what he wanted anyway which is save the Winter Soldier.

So we’re supposed to be given a scene where the Avengers cause a big fuck up but what happens is that they detonate an explosive guy and cause a little damage to the corner of a building. I kept thinking “Well is it going to fall at least?” Nope. It just stays there. Yet, that scene is meant to illicit what the graphic novel did by having the exploding guy go off in a playground. By the way, wicked.

Iron Man suddenly gets a conscious after all the rebel shit he’s been doing and is the voice of reason, while Cap just says screw authority I’m going to go be hero.

The United Nations is also portrayed in this movie as effective and folks, that’s just a fucking lie. That goddamn waste of space does absolutely nothing and although I wish it were more effective, it would be the last governing body you would want a team of superheros managed by. UN Peacekeepers are always being found to like rape people or steal their coffee. That doesn’t match.

So the movie basically comes down to two scenes: A fight between everyone at an airport, very manufactured and purposeless, and a scene where Captain Budweiser smashes his shield into Iron Man’s heart. Ant-Man shows up for absolutely no fucking reason. He literally gets out of a van and is like “HEY I AM IN THIS MOVIE TOO GUYS.”

There’s also a heart-warming scene where Don Cheadle, War Machine, becomes a paraplegic. I thought he was fucking dead and the next scene is like “Oh no, he’s just crippled.”

The one part of the movie I really liked was when the Black Panther showed up and fucking whipped serious ass. That was the best.

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If you like superhero movies, this movie is going to be one you enjoy. However, if you pay close attention, you’ll tell that the substance is beginning to vanish from these movies. And to the fucks that said “OMG this will win an Oscar it’s the best superhero movie ever!!!!111,” you’re an excited fool that needs to quit trying to sound objective. 7/10 movie.

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