Independence Day: Resurgence was miserable

independence_day_resurgence

Independence Day: Regurgitation is the latest flop from 20th Century Fox. The movie opens with an alien watching footage of the first movie when Bill Paxton, oddly being filmed by someone, gave the speech about how Randy Quaid was going to fly a jet into the spaceship and blow it up at the perfect time. Remember that shit?

However, it’s the old fucking Bill Pullman’s dream? Actually, it’s not. He’s having VISIONS OOOH.

We learn how the planet rules now, even though in 1996, every city on the earth was destroyed. I don’t think 20 years would be enough to pretend like nothing ever happened. Remember how 9/11 happened and it took like 10 years to build one building? I think it was fucking still on fire a year later, come on. But add ten more years to Freedom Tower, a crushed world economy, 3% of the population and yeah it probably was rebuilt in no time shut up stop asking questions.

terrorist-attack-world-trade-center-wtc
Two years after the 9/11 terror attacks

Four minutes into the goddamn film and I’m paused again, making notes. I may be here all night. Will Smith would not do a sequel, so there’s a photo of him in the White House and a new Captain Hiller shows up – his son I guess who said “Mommy Look-It” from the first movie.

LMFAO the president’s daughter is coincidentally working in the White House, too. No reason. OH! She’s also an airforce pilot.

One of the two Hemsworths flies his spaceship into a falling spaceship and strains as he flies it into it, like it’s physically hard for him to press up.

So, the interstellar maps showing our solar system with all planets PERFECTLY IN A ROW. I consulted with an expert on the matter of 4th grade science and we concluded this is not how the fucking planets would appear on a map ever.

Another laughable moment – we learn Captain Hiller died in a space flight accident. It’s funny anytime producers kill a character who refuses to be in their shitty fucking project. It’s always seems a little less needed in the story than you can reason for, unless considering petty vengeance as a motivator.

Vivica A Fox is in this. She’s no longer a “dancer.”

I’ll give a little credit to Brent Spiner, Dr. Okun, for being in a coma since the alien encounter. He clearly was dead in the first movie but they brought him back because this movie sucks.

An alien craft entirely different from others shows up. It doesn’t attack. It just sits there. With two voting to attack, two voting not to, and David Levinson screaming not to attack, the stupid fucking woman president blows it up with a laser stolen from the bad aliens.

Now, the movie has to set up barely excusable reasons for a variety of people to go to space with Levinson. Literally in seconds, a warlord, an IRS agent, and a snarky female scientist all jump into the plans with any definitive thought behind it from a story perspective.

 

A ship 3,000 miles across shows up without being detected until it was a foot from the moon.

So the big ass ship lands and pulls like all of Tokyo up into the sky. We don’t know if it’s Tokyo, so you can pretend it’s Hiroshima if you want to act like that poor town got it again.

Now, if you thought it was hard to see what was going on with 15 miles wide ships, you can’t see shit with this big one. At this point in the movie, I lose coherence. Hiller watches his stripper mom die.

Randomly, Area 51 is where they set a rally point. Also randomly, President Bill Pullman sneaks out of the room like Batman without anyone noticing the FUCKING FORMER PRESIDENT was gone. He magically learned to work the controls? They open the vault and it fills with smoke for the scary effects!!!! It just randomly fills with smoke dude. You think I’m joking? The same scene from the first one happens when Okun gets mind controlled, only it is Pullman. Instead of killing it when they’re done, it fights back, and the Mutumba warrior guy does a move on it.

A fucking UGLY attitude girl is driving a station wagon thru the wreckage.

I hate this fucking movie.

Judd Hirsch isn’t playing up the Jew thing so bad in this. Just to give him credit, Brent Spiner is stealing every scene he is in. It’s hard imagining this is the guy as anyone besides that one role he most famous for. You know what I’m talking about…

Robert Gross in the Aviator.

We get a dog fight, but they’re able to destroy the alien fighters this time. They fly into the ship. It’s senseless.

So something odd happens. A really amazing scene occurs. A white sphere shows up and is talking in the Resident Evil girl voice, and Independence Day goes totally science fiction to the tenth degree. I love this! I give the movie a second chance and Levinson comes up with a plan to use cold fusion bombs. Cold fusion would not make an explosion, though. It’s fusion at room temperature. Well, there goes the movie again. Roland Emerich

Pullman says there are a lot of reasons he should fly the suicide mission to destroy the mothership. There are a lot more he shouldn’t! He’s fucking passing out and senile. He shaved, though.

I was wrong. Hirsch is playing the ultra Jewish guy again. I’m fine if that’s what he’s like but it’s not. He’s acting, and even though he’s a great actor, it stands out as a stereotype character.

So President Whithouse suicide bombs the invading forces, which made me think about undertones and hidden messages. However, the queen is as big as Godzilla and chases David and Dad Levinson.

“Whitmore destroyed the ship and is daughter took out her shields. You’ve got four minutes before the molten core is gone.” Actual line.

I swear Dr Okun gets shot and killed, again, and is alive, again, the next scene. He says sickbay. Reminded me of Star Track.

When they “arm the thrusters,” whatever that means, we get to see a SyFy quality special effect.

“Get ready for a close encounter, bitch.” was said by Captain Hiller. Was like the father’s line “Now that’s what I call a close encounter,” except AWFUL.

Then, THE BUS WON’T START HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh this movie. It does though, and they back up just in time for the queen to fall at the front bumper. Just like in the first crappy movie, everyone meets out in the desert. Julius cock-blocks.

Now, the big ass ship flies away…but why didn’t they try to put a “cold fusion” nuclear bomb in it and blow it up too? Seems like a bad idea to give the aliens back that big ole ship so they can plug a queen in and attack again.

Then, Brent Spiner says “We’re doing another movie and this time the plot will be we attack the aliens and lead an interstellar mission and kick ass.” Except there won’t be another movie, because this one bombed worse than a cold fusion bomb. 2/10 movie.

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