Ghostbusters (2016) – Shit.

The Paul Feig 2016 Ghostbusters is so bad, you’d need to watch it four times to get your money’s worth.

Most of the jokes fall flat. Most of the characters suck. Most of the special effects also suck, with a few exceptions. The script was dismal. Who thought this was a good idea? I know who didn’t, ever: me.

Now, out of the amazing list of problems I have with this movie, not one of them involves the cast being all female. I want to point something out though: that was not an original or good idea. The pure-opposite genders across the board make it feel like someone pitched the entire concept in a sentence and didn’t go further. “ALL GIRL GHOSTBUSTERS.” And that’s fine, but why not make it a female-lead Ghostbusters with one or two men on the team, incidental, so it doesn’t feel like what this movie is: a pathetic attack on the male sex.

Allow me to explain…

Every man in this movie is villainous, stupid, or some other unadmirable quality. The primary villain: male. The male secretary for the Ghostbusters: actually mentally retarded. No one who functioned like that would not be diagnosed as mentally handicapped. Bill Murray’s character in the hat: An asshole. The university guy? A jerk, dismissive, and close-minded. Dan Ackroyd’s cab driver cameo? He even seemed like he didn’t want to be there (he didn’t). The only person in this movie who was not an asshole was Ernie Hudson’s character, and he was a cameo. Yes, even all the cameos struck me as slanderous to men, except for Ernie Hudson’s – and even he was kind of a cheapskate who wasn’t concerned with what his niece did for the world.

Speaking of his niece, I have a serious issue with a movie which creates a misogynistic-victim complex out of a VERY small number of people and then is overtly racist in the process. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Why is the black lady the “street smart, loud” woman? Why wasn’t this woman, a vital character in the story, one of the white girls? Leslie Jones could have played the author, or scientist, or engineer. Why didn’t she? Because this movie is racist and Paul Feig is a hack.

From the moment this movie was announced, I fucking hated it. Watch this trailer and guess why:

What is the first thing in that trailer which pissed you off (because about 50 things upset me)?

“4 Scientists.”

 

Winston Zeddemore was not a scientist. “I just work with these guys,” he said in the movie. “This is definitely not worth $11,500 a year,” he said as a 9,000 pound Marshmallow hand slammed behind him. So, this instantly told me the people making the movie did not understand the source material.

However, my reaction grew even more negative. The CG, it looks dated already. It already looks like shit. Neon ghosts? Nickelodeon slime? A Slimer that made me really groan and the giant walking monster, which looked like hell. The original movie’s Mr. Stay Puft somehow STILL looks better than this fucking shit. But you know what? I went and saw the movie anyway.

Within the first few minutes of the movie, we see an overt neon floor lighting up. Nothing is subtle in this, like the original. We hear the Ghostbusters noise, and we meet Melissa McCarthy, who did a really poor job in this movie. Her jokes are bad, which may be because the script sucks, but the delivery is bad, too. They sound discouraged, the actors. We get a fart joke the first few minutes of the trio being together on-screen. But it turns out to be a queef joke. No one in the theater laughed at this, at all.

The one part of the movie and I do mean the ONE part I enjoyed was seeing the Egon Spengler statue hidden in the background of the university. Rest assured, he was the only original cast member who did not hate this fucking movie. RIP Harold Ramis. Glad you didn’t have to see this fucking atrocity but I’d rather have one you than 1,000 Paul Feigs.

The girls assemble and become Ghostbusters in what feels like two hours of the movie. They stretched about 15 minutes of the original Ghostbusters out across this whole thing. They make proton packs, right? But then they make other Ghostbusters weapons, which I felt like were included just to sell toys. One of them was a thing called the Ghost Chipper – literally a ghost woodchipper. It is not explained but we are left to believe this weapon actually obliterates the soul of the ghost, which one might consider a crime worse than murder if the human soul were real (it isn’t, it is a stupid made up concept). This weapon, thus, seems like probably the most effective and devastating weapon they could possess. Why would they not just use 10,000 of these?

Another weapon was a shitty fist weapon where you have to throw a punch and it shoots a glob of proton energy out. This weapon sucked and if I were a kid, I would fucking never want to use this one. Scenes are manufactured later in the movie to allow both of these weapons, along with proton grenades, to be used once each. Then, as I mentioned, because the Ghostbusters CHIPPER is overpowered, it is broken in a scene by a ghost and never spoken of again.

Bill Murray shows up in this film, according to leaked emails, because Sony was legally strong-arming him into playing a cameo. He looks miserable, too, and looks like he’s about dead. Can someone check to see if his heart is still beating? I love the guy but this shit was obviously not fun for him. Still, it was Bill Murray and it was kind of cool seeing him in a Ghostbusters movie in 2016.

Then Paul Feig kills him on camera.

You’re reading that right. They kill the most beloved Ghostbuster (well, the character the actor was playing) in the movie in an absolutely SHITTY scene, where Kristen Wiig’s character sets a ghost loose to PROVE THEY’RE REAL. It was a ghost which almost murdered people or maybe actually did. I know it tossed one guy so hard, he crushed a wall in which would have shattered every bone in his body and resulted in an agonizing, painful death. Anyway, that character appeared like two seconds later and kept singing rock music.

Now, the end of the movie approached and I must say, I was ready for it and pleasantly surprised it had arrived, too. I can’t hate on this movie for feeling eternally long, but it was not fun while it lasted either, to elaborate. But check out what happens: The Ghostbusters have a big ass fight scene where they’re doing flips and whipping ghosts and basically, everything Ghostbusters isn’t. Then, the Ghostbusters logo appears on screen (it’s the male villain) and starts talking to the characters of the movie, no lie. I’m in the theater aghast, in disbelief.

The ghost in the no-ghost logo steps out of the no-smoking sign, becomes an AWFUL LOOKING CG monster, and begins chasing the girls. They literally have to fight the Ghostbusters logo, which tells you something about this movie. Of course, they beat this giant, stupid looking monster and one of the girls, I forgot, gets sucked into green netherrealm space. Another ties a cable on her waste, dives in for about 40 miles, CATCHES the falling girl, and somehow, is INSTANTLY YANKED back into normal space.

She would have died from whiplash, folks. Both would have. However, cuz wumen r stroNG11, she was able to hold her and pull her back up about 40 miles with a steel cable not cutting her body in half, which it would have done.

Then, something funny happens and this movie admits it is a huge failure. The credits roll and we watch an entire dance scene which was cut out of the final film for not being funny, from what I’ve read. Or, being an absolute failure. Something.

Not content with being shitty and unoriginal, though, the movie tries to shoehorn in one final reference to the original and set up a sequel. Leslie Jones, who did phenomenal work with what she was given despite her racist detractors, says “Hey I heard the name Zuul in this Electro Voice Phenomenon.” or something close to that. As Mike Stoklasa with Red Letter Media pointed out, it is ELECTRONIC VOICE PHENOMENON YOU IDIOTS.

This movie is fucking terrible and I would not recommend you see it unless you have nothing in life to do, you’ve already worked out and cleaned house and meal prepped and cleaned up the cat’s shit and everything else you can name. It is a waste of time and what’s worse, the director is a fucking asshole who doesn’t care about feedback from fans.

As my friends in real life (1) will tell you, I grew up loving Ghostbusters more than anything. I even have a Ghostbusters sign in my house. I wanted to love this movie but I’m not going to lie to myself or to you. That’s what other reviewers are for. So I called out Paul Feig and like an asshole, he tried to sick his low-IQ trolls on me.

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Unfortunately for Feig, I ended up giving most of them permanent psychological complexes via amazing insults. You can read it at Twitter.com/Annoyed_Critic but most of the replies were ass kissing to Feig or telling me I should keep my opinion to myself, which is something they’re ironically not doing by telling me that.

Fuck you idiots. You’re why we have bad movies and bad television shows – you’ll eat the pig slop despite the quality and you’ll suck the ass of the creators.

But I’ve got news for you – the movie was a

FLOP

See, it technically made back it’s initial investment of $144 million – barely, lol. As of this writing, it’s made about $160 million WORLDWIDE. Now, would you invest $144 to make $160? NO.

But to drive the point home to some of the fools, this is what Feig said in an interview with Vulture

“A movie like this has to at least get to like $500 million worldwide, and that’s probably low,” Feig says.

When you’re not even to half of your LOW estimates, the movie is a

FAILURE.

The characters suck. Holtzmann was a zonky scientist, which is a boring, unoriginal character idea. Kristen Wiig played the same person she’s always played in every movie. Melissa McCarthy is fat. Leslie Jones actually impressed me a little but she was given a SHIT script to work with.

Ghostbusters gets a 2/10 because of the Egon Spengler statue.

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3 thoughts on “Ghostbusters (2016) – Shit.”

  1. If you replaced Melissa McCarthy (who should’ve played the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Woman) with Louie Anderson, would anybody notice?

    Like

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