I just finished watching Passengers – the new Jennifer Lawrence (ugh) and Chris Pratt space movie by Sony. The movie began very promisingly but by the time it concluded, it may have been the stupidest fucking thing I’ve seen all year (I know, 2.5 months in…).
The movie begins with this monumental spaceship which is piloted by a supreme artificial intelligence. It is a colony ship and it is carrying 5,000 people through spaaaaace for 120 years so they can wake up on a barren planet with no Tropical Smoothies. Not for me, thanks. So, the superior artificial intelligence pilots the ship STRAIGHT INTO AN ASTEROID FIELD. Not only that, it doesn’t even try to dodge the biggest fucking one. All it does is reroute shields.
Around this time, Chris Pratt wakes up and realizes he’s not in Jurassic World anymore. The movie does a sort of “Last Man on Earth” style gig for a while, where he parties by himself, plays sports by himself, and talks to a creepy bartender without feet but with a top-half human body. Really? Who thought that was a good idea?
Finally, after a year, he decides to do something really shitty and wake up Jennifer Lawrence. Lawrence, unsure how to react without cum on her face, reorients herself to the world while we learn about her. She’s a super successful writer. YEAH RIGHT. This movie takes all of about five minutes for her to start partying and whoring – her natural state. I hate her. So Pratt asks her out on a date, finally, and they fuck on the first night – as one would expect from Lawrence. I would already have been considering waking up someone else.
Pratt never tells her that he woke her up, though. And because the bartender is stupid, he slips up and tells Lawrence – who then goes to the point of considering murdering Pratt. Although she didn’t, I enjoyed this intense emotional reaction to what was pretty violating. However, in the context of the story, he actually saved her life. I thought they would point this out with a line in the script but the writers were too dumb and ended up making it feel like a victim falling for her attacker. More on that later.
So suddenly, Lawrence Fishburne shows up and he brings with him a HUGE plot hole. See, Fishburne pretty quickly is shown to be terminally ill. The reason, in a line he states, is that the malfunctioning life-support pod did it to him. All the ships systems are fucking up from the asteroid thing, even though they claim they’ve never had a single malfunction in over 1,000 flights – a lie, if your ship is too stupid to plot a course around something. But here is my first HUGE question:
If Fishburne is dying because of a malfunctioning ship, which now can’t even make cereal right, how many thousands of others are also going to be dying or dead when they wake up?
This is big and important. Sci-fi shows are about imagination and expectations. We want to pretend our beloved characters continue a thriving existence beyond the story we are told. Not get cancer.
A scene happens which I enjoyed and want to mention. Lawrence is swimming and the ship loses gravity – a mainstay in malfunctioning spaceship shows. The water in the pool floats up and into a sphere and Lawrence gets trapped in it from surface tension. I loved this. I kept expecting Pratt to rescue her. She even drowns and passes out in the water. But inexplicably, the gravity comes back on and she falls into the pool, safe (she probably would have hit the floor without enough water to cushion it, killing her). Luckily, she wakes up and is perfectly fine.
Fishburne dies, never having spent much more than a few moments at the end of his short awakeness caring about the ship malfunctions. However, lowly engineer Pratt and “writer,” Lawrence, will be able to fix the entire ship.
At this point in the movie, it goes off the rails into the stupid and annoying department. For what seems like a series of like 12 or 13 times, something goes wrong at every turn for our duo and they can’t seem to fix the problem – which we learn was that one single rock got through the shields in the asteroid field and damaged a computer piece. The two get caught in several near-death experiences, from a loss of cabin pressure due to a rupture in the hull to a big LONG series where they have to vent the reactor.
Predictably, in our movie’s conclusion, the reactor needs to be manually vented from the outside by Pratt, who actually has to stand at the opening of the furnace and basically, die. Of course, as he gets out there, something else goes wrong another five or six times and he realizes he has to hold his Dewalt power screwdriver in place, because he isn’t smart enough to prop the door under it and run away. Or fuck, just use some string. Listen, he’s so smart, he used a torch to weld off a door to make a heat shield in two seconds. He can’t find a way to keep this handheld device turned 45 degrees to the right when the alternative is stand in hellfire, though.
Pratt survives, though – but he gets a hole in his spacesuit! UH OH. Lawrence has to run out and rescue him, justifying her $25 million paycheck for this piece of shit to no one. While tethered to a cable, she flies out to him and reaches him – only for the cable to run out of slack at the inch she got to him. HAHAHA!! This movie sucks! I hate this predictable shit. She grabs his tether and pulls him in.
He’s dead tho. But, without a problem, she is able to carry his dead body to the infirmary – within walking distance on this Mass Effect sized ship. There is only one infirmary, which they mention later, too. And with Leloo’s Multipass, Lawrence is able to turn on the medical machine and tell it to revive Pratt. For added effect, she tells it to run EVERY SINGLE MEDICAL PROCEDURE AT ONCE on him.
Hi. I’m logic. I’m here to tell you this would not only not work at all, but it would most likely assure he would not be capable of being resuscitated and might even end all chances for an open-casket funeral. Thank you. – Your Brain
Pratt comes back to live and he learns he can reseal Lawrence in a life support tube. “There’s only one, though,” Lawrence clumsily remarks. Wait. IN THE WHOLE SHIP? What if there is an accident? You can only save the most important person?
The scene cuts to Pratt at the bar with CREEP bartender. He is drinking like he’s depressed and then it cuts to Lawrence walking in to FOOL US and he acts super happy, next shot. I laughed at this ignorance.
Finally, the crew wakes up 90 years later and they discover the tree Pratt planted has grown really big but also, the entire deck looks like a fucking wildlife preserve with, for some reason, chickens roaming it. Although this is the future, Pratt and Lawrence are implied to be dead, meaning by the time we reach suspended animation and planetary colonization-era technology, we still can’t be expected to live past 120.
They also didn’t have any children, even though we see they’ve built shanty-like shacks in this beautiful spaceship. If I were the captain and saw that, I’d order it all ripped up and blown out the fucking airlock. I’m not tolerating any stupid on my ship.
This ship and this movie tolerated lots of stupid, though. It wasn’t good. It was alright for a love story movie you watch with your girlfriend but it’s a turd and I rate it 3/10, generously.