Solo: A Star Wars Story was lousy


Solo, a Star Wars Story is the first Star Wars movie to flop at the box office. The reason it flopped is because people are tired of Star Wars and never cared about Han Solo.

In particular, this entire movie is another goddamn played out prequel. All that means is the guy who made it watched Star Wars and had to come up with an origin to EVERYTHING.

Solo isn’t his last name. It’s invented by an Imperial because he’s alone. He’s solo.

Han is thrown to a pit with a starving beast. Guess who it is. It’s the walking carpet. They fight until Han says “Martha.” Actually, it’s worse. Han starts gurgling and I thought he was making fun of Chewie – but he’s actually speaking Wookie. It’s awful. He has a little line about how he only knows enough to speak it in this one scene and never again in the entire expanded universe. Then, even though Chewie hasn’t eaten in three days, he has the energy to break a giant steel column supporting the exact spot the guards were standing (while watching them). They escape prison place.

He has a line where he says he can’t call him Chewbacca. He has to come up with something shorter. Why did they need a conversation about this? People naturally come up with nicknames.

He gets his blaster and Chewie gets his bandolier at camp.

Han goes back to Corellia. Emilia Clarke is the exact spot Han goes to. I didn’t know it was her until this scene. Every movie she’s in absolutely sucks. She must not be able to read scripts and recognize stupidity.

The imaginary friend from A Beautiful Mind is the Imperial villain. His acting is identical.

So, the new thing in Star Wars is to make a droid and give it a TON of personality. K2SO was the one in Rogue One. This one has a British diva bitch robot, L3. She gets blown up.

They go to Kessel to steal the shit they need so they don’t get murdered. But then, it’s coincidentally where Chewie’s dirty family is. Y’all, there’s no way a Wookie wouldn’t look like this if it weren’t groomed and washed weekly.

They come up with a way to make sense out of the Kessel run being made in less than 12 parsecs. I swear to god, Rich Evans wrote this. The Maw, a black hole basically, sucks in a space squid someone ripped right out of HP Lovecraft. The Falcon makes the noise like the engine died. Then, it goes super fast. They escape because rocks are closing in on them (they’re in space and it makes no sense but they just wanted to do this). They take the cans of explodey stuff to bad guy.

As I’m watching the scene with everyone betraying everyone and then betraying the other person again, I knew the girl would end up killing Voss. Why? Because I kept thinking of Kathleen Kennedy just insisting. The movie finally comes to an end with a surprise that I was not expecting, though. Darth Maul shows up. He’s in charge of Emilia Clarke, who will be around for a future movie she can screw up. They literally have her go to him on Dathomir and basically run an ad for the future movie. Ironically, no one saw the ad because this movie flopped.

There’s no real satisfying conclusion except for Han and Chewie getting the Falcon. But here’s what’s dumb. They immediately make a hint that they’re going to work for Jabba. Han is like 15 years younger than he is in A New Hope. So, he works for Jabba for that long? He still is barely on the outs with him in A New Hope, if you include the deleted scene. Just a hokey way to put Han and Chewie in place for A New Hope. I give the movie 3/10.

Solo was the in-flight movie for Harrison Ford’s last airplane ah you get the joke

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