Dark Phoenix was dick

It starts out with young Jean Grey being a no good fucking little shit and distracting her parents while driving. Massive head on wreck. It kills both of them and she doesn’t cry or care. She’s unharmed. This movie is going to be pure shit. I can tell.

Professor X shows up and goes hi, I’m professor X. Your parents are dead wanna come live with me? She says okay.

Fast forward from 1975 to 1992. A space shuttle launches and within one second, the acting space shuttle pilots say “Houston we have a problem.” My eyes bug out as I am in awe of something this stupid. “Okay, Houston, we’ve had a problem here” is the actual Apollo 13 quote but hey let’s be fucking lazy. Speaking of lazy, Professor X appears again and decides to intervene.

The X Jet launches into space. Hank Beast Guy even says it’s not made for space. They literally fly into space and it works. I’m sure my car would drive into space just fine!

They save the astronauts and Jean absorbs this red fire storm thing. She’s the Phoenix. I hope she kills everyone and the movie ends.

Mystique argues with Xavier about him exploiting the X-Men for magazine covers. But then she said “Hey women are saving all the men so call it X Women.” That’s a reference to the poisonous SJW atmosphere of 2019. It’ll be remembered in history as being shoved down our throats too much. Women deserve equality. But this whole movie is about a woman lol. And the term “XMen” means humans. Mankind. It’s not saying XMales. That’s probably some website where low-IQ former football players in high school get their dick sucked on camera for $50 and the rest of their life ruined.

Look how fucking awful this looks. No one wants to see JLaw unless they’re on the Fappening

Jean has some incidents and then Xavier fucks up again by invading her mind using Cerebro. Earlier in the movie, Cyclops asks Jean why she read his mind without permission. Here, Xavier does so to her. She asks him to stop and he keeps going.

Jean finds out her dad is still alive. She goes and meets him. He looks like a zombie. She can’t sense he hates her even though as a viewer, I can see that. Bbbbuuuuut she’s too strong for Charles. She finally does read his mind. It’s a good scene.

Phoenix kicks all of the X Men ass she can. Then, she kills Mystique. Seems like she’s not really dead though, as it felt like she was about to leave the team and had a future story arc.

Beast goes nuts on X and it’s good. Some really fun scenes as my neigbor slams his doors 434 times before 6:30 AM. He ought to have a bolt screwed into his frontal lobe over that.

From there, Jean fucks up some stuff and intimidated Magneto. She causes mutants to be basically outlawed. Concentration camps! The blonde chick can’t act. Her lines are all cliche. “The only person here afraid of your powers is you.”

I really didn’t enjoy the fight between the mutants and the brotherhood but I did like the fight between the people who were not mutants vs those who were. It was kind of cool at first. Magneto throws baddies in another train car and crushes it. Blonde shows up and defeats him with ease. But it is predictable. Jean turns good and saves the day.

It’s funny because after what might have been the darkest movie ever on film* the movie ends in a bright splosion. Jean killed herself to kill the blonde and hopefully this universe.

Right after she dies, the teen actor playing Cyclops just LUMBERS up to her grave in a rush and shows no emotion. His acting has been a nightmare. He walks up like he’s buying a pack of bubblegum, watch it.

The movie ends with Magneto and James McEvoy’s creepy grinning bald head playing chess or checkers and as the pans up, we see the Space Shuttle Challenger omg #nEverforget oh wait that’s the Phoenix again.

4/10. I hope this means the MCU and Disney get the X-Men now. There are less corny movies on Hallmark. Watch X-Men the last stand and you’ll get a better story with better actors.

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