Wow, I completely hate Star Trek Discovery

I hate everything about Star Trek Discovery except for the cast and I actually think they’re solid. I’ve watched the entire first two seasons and I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch them again, it was so miserable. It was like fan fiction but not good fan fiction. There were a billion problems from the start until Season 2’s conclusion. That’s what I’ll cover here until I get bored.

Let’s begin with a basic list about what sucks about the show. Then, a summary of the dick ass episodes they produced. Alex Kurtzman is a dipshit.

  • It is another prequel. They can’t stop doing these. They suck. It’s an excuse for lazy shitheads to not have to research all the Trek lore.
  • The episode names show you the issue, which is that the show isn’t about anything. It’s about a really stupid woman who makes bad decisions (isn’t it?)
  • It’s on CBS All Access, which no one wants. They won’t even release the numbers because it has flopped so bad. Most people would rather figure out how to install a hacked app and just watch for free.
  • It looks like shit. It’s worse than the JJ Abrams movies, which I never liked.
  • I couldn’t get through most episodes without opening my phone and playing games, texting people, and getting mad.
  • The Klingons are stupid looking and not at all canon. They’re Orcs from LotR
  • The Discovery is an ugly ship. It’s terribly designed. It makes no sense. It spins everywhere which I can’t imagine a fake purpose for.
  • Star Trek is supposed to be based in some level of POSSIBLE reality. This show is more fantasy than sci fi.

Season 1 – Disappointed expectations and a sour taste of what’s to come

  1. The Vulcan Hello: The show begins with the Captain and main character, Michael Burnham, violating the Prime Directive. They get beamed up to a ship that is not the Discovery. It’s the Shenzou. And it’s confusing as fuck because within minutes, that ship is in a war that Burnham starts for no reason. This shit is so awful, they wrote lines in Season 2 by Spock that make fun of this. Captain Georgou dies.
  2. The Battle at the Binary Stars: I forgot that this was a two hour pilot and everything I just described above takes place across two hours. Burnham goes to jail.
  3. Context is for Kings: I hate this episode title. At this point, the Discovery writers begin plagiarizing a stupid game on Steam about tardagrades and spore drives. Now, even tho STD is a prequel, they develop technology to instantly travel ANYWHERE. This ruins Trek lore (totally fucks Star Trek Voyager’s entire premise. Oh hi, that’s still more popular than this show) and must be awkwardly addressed in the Season 2 finale.
  4. The Butcher’s Knife Cares Not for the Lamb’s Cry (yeah, this whole thing is really a title):  Starfleet is at war still and Burnham is on Discovery now. It’s painful. They’re also going to start torturing the tardagrade until it screams and that’s supposed to be fun to watch.
  5. Choose Your Pain: Unfortunately, Lorca, who is so evil they have to write a mirror universe story arc at the end of the first half of season 1 to explain him, meets a totally dull fucking character: Ash Tyler. Also, Harry Mudd is in this, played by Rainn Wilson. Folks, a lot of people will tell you this is their favorite part. I’m here to tell you that this character sucks. It’s annoying, over-played, and supposed to be done like we know who this fucking guy is in Star Trek. I do, but his character was never played like this. They make him a super villain.
  6. Lethe: This episode sucks but I don’t even remember why.
  7. Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad: The dumbass fucking show makes a disco party happen in the middle of a war on Discovery and it’s just awful.
  8. Si Vis Pacem, para Bellum: Discovery has to learn how Klingons cloak for one hour.
  9. Into the Forest I Go: More shitty titles. Lorca uses Discovery to end the war with the Klingons. He ends up in the Mirror Universe (there’s only one lol).
  10. Despite Yourself: The first interesting episode of the entire show happens when they arrive in the Mirror Universe. In a normal Star Trek season, this would be one episode or MAYBE two. It’s the rest of the season.
  11. The Wolf inside: Stuff happens and Burnham is undercover.
  12. Vaulting Ambition: A title that does not describe the writers of this. Stamets is inside of the mycelial network, now. Also, the show is doing a thing where it kills off characters – and then brings them back. Death is meaningless in this show. Georgiou, Burnham, Culber, just about everyone dies and comes back some how. Even if it is the Mirror Version, they end up just using that character and making them good again (Georgiou).
  13. What’s Past is Prologue: Since they’ve decided to devote HALF OF A SEASON to the Mirror Universe arc, we must now slowly drudge through bad ideas for episodes. Lorca is going to take over from the Emperor who is Georgiou.
  14. The War Without, The War Within: They’ve not had one good episode title yet. All Corny cliches. This and episode 15…
  15. Will You Take My Hand?: The season finale episodes. Both were the end of the Klingon war. A show that created its own unneeded conflict expects us to feel satisfaction at its end. I feel like the show needed to end and was stunned by the realization this would not be the last episode. I guess bad investors don’t know when to pull out (also people who are trailer trash that have 50 kids). The possible reason we continued the misery: they fucking made the USS Enterprise RANDOMLY show up.

Season 2 – More stupid decisions while also fixing previous stupid decisions

At this point, the writers decide they’re going to mindfuck the audience. We’ve seen several characters killed off and brought back already. That’s going to be intensified in Season 2. I’ve seen people say OMG SEASON 2 FIXED EVERYTHING. No, it didn’t. Season 2 was a pile of steaming stinking brown runny shiitake mushroom puree. Actually, just shit. It improved in a handful of ways:

  • It realized Star Trek is supposed to be episodic, but it still fucked up by focusing on these elementary school concepts for season-long story arcs that took the focus from each episode (Red Angel. Time Crystals)
  • They make jokes about how if you put the word “time” in front of something, it sounds cooler. This was one of the rare moments I said “Hmm. That’s clever. I like it.” And THEN, they literally say they have to find a TIME CRYSTAL. They had no better name than that lazy shit. The earlier jokes about “time” weren’t involved here and never were acknowledged again.
  • We get another double agent, this time in the silicon cyborg lady on the bridge. Last season, it was Lorca. They kill off this character and give her a funeral for half an episode so I’m pretty sure we can count on her being dead but knowing this show’s writers, they’ll bring her back.
  • Deciding that the Mirror Universe and Klingon War wasn’t dark enough, the writers give us a Section 31 story arc. They’re the branch of Starfleet that will DO ANYTHING TO GET THE JOB DONE. Yeah except that’s all we saw the entire first season. And then…
  • They introduce “Control.” And they totally obsoleted the Borg by doing so. Because “Control” can assimilate you…except it can hide inside of you. It can make you a super human who can’t be killed. In every single imaginable way, Control is fucking superior to the BORG. The most lethal enemy in the history of the Federation.
  • The Red Angel comes back from the future and says Control is the biggest threat ever to existence and is going to wipe out all life. Now, let us think about what this means. This means that they’ve gone into the future and showed us what the worst possible enemy is. It kills everything. So…
  • They kill it. They save the future (from an extinction event we never heard about throughout the rest of Trek lore, which is set in the FUTURE OF THIS SHOW that the writers keep fucking forgetting about. Oh you are going to tell me that’s why we never heard about it, right? Okay, well if that’s the case, then tell me why a far more inferior enemy than Control – The Borg – lasts for ALL OF TNG, ALL OF VOYAGER, ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES, AND ARGUABLY, SEASON 3 OF THIS SHIT SHOW SINCE THEY’VE FUCKED UP ALL THEY CAN IN THE PAST?  Control obsoletes the Borg and if they end up saying Control becomes the Borg, it’s going to piss me off even more because why would the Borg go from superhuman agents that look identical to normal people to SLOW MOVING CYBER ZOMBIES?
  • Everything about this show makes me hateful. The reason is because it’s just an ill-thought out show made my sycophantic corporate ass kisses. It’s not about talent anymore. It’s about sycophancy. Whoever kisses enough ass gets their own chance to do something stupid with our childhood.

This show undercuts everything about Star Trek. A Season 3 means they’re going into the future to what, exist in the same time as Star Trek: Picard? (Another fuck up show BTW from what I’ve heard). When will it end? Season 3 is coming, so you better get ready for it. Get ready for more ugly writing. Forced SJW shit. Stupid plot arcs. Dumb, dumb ass episodes that feel like 15 minutes stretched into 40. And who knows. Maybe we will get to see them recast Data, or a young Jean Luc…or something else.

Because that Spock worked out great, right? (eyeroll)

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Dark Phoenix was dick

It starts out with young Jean Grey being a no good fucking little shit and distracting her parents while driving. Massive head on wreck. It kills both of them and she doesn’t cry or care. She’s unharmed. This movie is going to be pure shit. I can tell.

Professor X shows up and goes hi, I’m professor X. Your parents are dead wanna come live with me? She says okay.

Fast forward from 1975 to 1992. A space shuttle launches and within one second, the acting space shuttle pilots say “Houston we have a problem.” My eyes bug out as I am in awe of something this stupid. “Okay, Houston, we’ve had a problem here” is the actual Apollo 13 quote but hey let’s be fucking lazy. Speaking of lazy, Professor X appears again and decides to intervene.

The X Jet launches into space. Hank Beast Guy even says it’s not made for space. They literally fly into space and it works. I’m sure my car would drive into space just fine!

They save the astronauts and Jean absorbs this red fire storm thing. She’s the Phoenix. I hope she kills everyone and the movie ends.

Mystique argues with Xavier about him exploiting the X-Men for magazine covers. But then she said “Hey women are saving all the men so call it X Women.” That’s a reference to the poisonous SJW atmosphere of 2019. It’ll be remembered in history as being shoved down our throats too much. Women deserve equality. But this whole movie is about a woman lol. And the term “XMen” means humans. Mankind. It’s not saying XMales. That’s probably some website where low-IQ former football players in high school get their dick sucked on camera for $50 and the rest of their life ruined.

Look how fucking awful this looks. No one wants to see JLaw unless they’re on the Fappening

Jean has some incidents and then Xavier fucks up again by invading her mind using Cerebro. Earlier in the movie, Cyclops asks Jean why she read his mind without permission. Here, Xavier does so to her. She asks him to stop and he keeps going.

Jean finds out her dad is still alive. She goes and meets him. He looks like a zombie. She can’t sense he hates her even though as a viewer, I can see that. Bbbbuuuuut she’s too strong for Charles. She finally does read his mind. It’s a good scene.

Phoenix kicks all of the X Men ass she can. Then, she kills Mystique. Seems like she’s not really dead though, as it felt like she was about to leave the team and had a future story arc.

Beast goes nuts on X and it’s good. Some really fun scenes as my neigbor slams his doors 434 times before 6:30 AM. He ought to have a bolt screwed into his frontal lobe over that.

From there, Jean fucks up some stuff and intimidated Magneto. She causes mutants to be basically outlawed. Concentration camps! The blonde chick can’t act. Her lines are all cliche. “The only person here afraid of your powers is you.”

I really didn’t enjoy the fight between the mutants and the brotherhood but I did like the fight between the people who were not mutants vs those who were. It was kind of cool at first. Magneto throws baddies in another train car and crushes it. Blonde shows up and defeats him with ease. But it is predictable. Jean turns good and saves the day.

It’s funny because after what might have been the darkest movie ever on film* the movie ends in a bright splosion. Jean killed herself to kill the blonde and hopefully this universe.

Right after she dies, the teen actor playing Cyclops just LUMBERS up to her grave in a rush and shows no emotion. His acting has been a nightmare. He walks up like he’s buying a pack of bubblegum, watch it.

The movie ends with Magneto and James McEvoy’s creepy grinning bald head playing chess or checkers and as the pans up, we see the Space Shuttle Challenger omg #nEverforget oh wait that’s the Phoenix again.

4/10. I hope this means the MCU and Disney get the X-Men now. There are less corny movies on Hallmark. Watch X-Men the last stand and you’ll get a better story with better actors.