Review: Devour’s new UFC pizza!

I was grocery shopping online again so I don’t have to interact with anyone in public – my life goal now – and I came across a pizza with the UFC logo. Is this pizza on steroids? Does it beat its girlfriend? No. But it is shaped like an octagon and it’s the OFFICIAL FROZEN PIZZA OF THE UFC.

What exactly does that mean? That Devour bought ad rights to shill their pizza to UFC fans. They didn’t pay enough to be the official pizza (Dana White wants Papa Johns. You just know it). But they’re clearly paying enough to cobrand the entire pizza down to the shape of the thing.

But the main question is if the pizza is any good. Is it? No. It tastes like shit and I’m never buying another one again.

First thing I noticed was how condensed the thing was and heavy. It must be so they could make the octagon with rigidity to not end up looking like some acid trip shape by the time it was cooked. No, sure enough, this pizza holds its shape until the end. Almost to the degree that I couldn’t cut it. It took me three or four gouges with the pizza roller to get it into the fucking Kevlar crust. I quickly decided to only cut four pieces because I was running out of strength.

My first bite set off a few alarms. I had the Ultimate Sausage and Pepper mess. This sausage is a bit spicy. I enjoyed it but old people who have ulcers won’t. The peppers and onions taste sort of low quality but fine. I picture Dana White saying in his meeting, while gawking at a future sexual assault victim, that he wants to see some extreme pizzas that push the limits on taste! So they dumped a can of pepper into the sausage mix. But I’ve got to come back to this crust.

It’s like eating on Captain America’s shield. It’s not tasty. It’s just hard. It tastes every bit as cheap as Banquet and I think that’s who is behind this brand, okay?

This pizza is actually as low quality as a Tombstone or Red Baron pizza. The difference is, it’s not priced like one of those. It’s priced like a fuckin UFC PIZZA THAT’LL BEAT YOUR ASS. The same price as Freschetta or Not Delivery It’s Digorno. Both of those are vastly superior. I barely finished this Devour. I sure didn’t Devour it.

Also, UFC fighters don’t eat garbage pizza. If they’re going to eat a cheat meal it’ll be a delicious fresh pizza made by their wife they beat. Concussion sports are not going to last another 20 years btw. But this pizza won’t last another year.


Why are the dog’s ears cropped in Star Trek Picard

Are the show-runners really this stupid? Did no one tell them that this dog had been mutilated before they stuck it into the Star Trek Universe?


I’m talking about the new poster for Star Trek Picard which has fanboy’s excited but no one else interested. It gave me a headache and I really thought there was a planet in the background. Then I realized it was the return of lens flare.


So I realize Sir Patrick Stewart may like shit-bulls (I don’t) but all jokes aside, that is the dog AFTER its ears have been through the process called “cropping.”

Image result for pit bull crop
Deadly fuckers

See, pit bulls are actually born looking quite like you would expect. Then humans go and start screwing with them. It’s very painful for the dog.


But since the people who are in charge of this think SONAR WORKS IN SPACE, I’m guessing no one told them that pitbulls weren’t born with their ears mauled off by another species. I even had some idiot say online that he thought the dog might have been cloned. Yeah, you don’t clone scars, fool.

Another issue I have with the poster and basically, everything about the teasers of the show so far: it keeps hearkening back to the Chateau Picard vineyard. That was shown in a number of episodes of the TNG series as his future in retirement. It seems like they just keep going back to the familiar stuff instead of showing us how they’re going to deliver on great ideas and good writing. You know. The shit that has been totally absent from Star Trek Discovery.

I’m concerned. Star Trek Picard doesn’t just run the risk of sucking. It runs the risk of spoiling a lot more than that. It could completely suck the life out of The Next Generation by milking each small moment and episode of all its originality, making even a journey down memory lane cringe inducing for the PTSD-like memories it might evoke of the newer Kurtzman series.

I’m still suffering from Season 1 of Discovery, folks. Season 2 didn’t leave me traumatized – it just blew – but season one actually affected me. The animal torture, the absolute absence of a logical main character, the constant fighting and war and screaming and death…it was all just too much. The show writers had no idea what they were doing. They wrote big and big and bigger and BIGGER. They didn’t have an idea as to why you don’t need to try to shove so much down the audiences’ throats. Sure. It’s fun when you do it for a movie like Avengers: Endgame. Those movies took ten years to build up to, though. The payoff is that the movie franchise ended so well (at least, that phase), that it makes the earlier movies MUCH MORE VALUABLE. Tell me at least once you haven’t said to yourself that you want to go back and watch at least one of the old Iron-man movies. Maybe all of them. I have. That’s because better productions enhance previous productions in the same universe.

So I bring you back to my most concerning question: Is Star Trek Picard going to screw up Star Trek The Next Generation?

I realize many of you will point out that even though Generations sucked, it didn’t hurt TNG. That’s an arguable point, since we don’t know how far the franchise might have gone into the atmosphere if not for that fucking turd. But remember how bad things went with Nemesis? That was so bad, it resulted in the near death of Star Trek overall. Enterprise was canceled. And it was all because a bunch of swarmy smart-asses wanted to kill Data, make his replacement retarded, and make Picard look old and sad and tired and wornout.

And folks. That shit was when I was graduating high school. It’s 20 years later. He don’t look any younger. He needs to be lifted up by good writing, engaging stories, and the Picard that we remember from the television series: an ethical man of principal and service. Don’t make him into the war machine from the movies – even though that’s probably what’s coming.

And something tells me they’ll end up killing off more TNG characters or maybe even Picard himself before its done.

Oh my god. I just thought of something. William Shatner is still alive. Yep. They’re going to end up doing Captain Kirk again, too. Just watch. 😦