Review: Devour’s new UFC pizza!

I was grocery shopping online again so I don’t have to interact with anyone in public – my life goal now – and I came across a pizza with the UFC logo. Is this pizza on steroids? Does it beat its girlfriend? No. But it is shaped like an octagon and it’s the OFFICIAL FROZEN PIZZA OF THE UFC.

What exactly does that mean? That Devour bought ad rights to shill their pizza to UFC fans. They didn’t pay enough to be the official pizza (Dana White wants Papa Johns. You just know it). But they’re clearly paying enough to cobrand the entire pizza down to the shape of the thing.

But the main question is if the pizza is any good. Is it? No. It tastes like shit and I’m never buying another one again.

First thing I noticed was how condensed the thing was and heavy. It must be so they could make the octagon with rigidity to not end up looking like some acid trip shape by the time it was cooked. No, sure enough, this pizza holds its shape until the end. Almost to the degree that I couldn’t cut it. It took me three or four gouges with the pizza roller to get it into the fucking Kevlar crust. I quickly decided to only cut four pieces because I was running out of strength.

My first bite set off a few alarms. I had the Ultimate Sausage and Pepper mess. This sausage is a bit spicy. I enjoyed it but old people who have ulcers won’t. The peppers and onions taste sort of low quality but fine. I picture Dana White saying in his meeting, while gawking at a future sexual assault victim, that he wants to see some extreme pizzas that push the limits on taste! So they dumped a can of pepper into the sausage mix. But I’ve got to come back to this crust.

It’s like eating on Captain America’s shield. It’s not tasty. It’s just hard. It tastes every bit as cheap as Banquet and I think that’s who is behind this brand, okay?

This pizza is actually as low quality as a Tombstone or Red Baron pizza. The difference is, it’s not priced like one of those. It’s priced like a fuckin UFC PIZZA THAT’LL BEAT YOUR ASS. The same price as Freschetta or Not Delivery It’s Digorno. Both of those are vastly superior. I barely finished this Devour. I sure didn’t Devour it.

Also, UFC fighters don’t eat garbage pizza. If they’re going to eat a cheat meal it’ll be a delicious fresh pizza made by their wife they beat. Concussion sports are not going to last another 20 years btw. But this pizza won’t last another year.

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