Review: Halloween 4: Something something Michael Myers

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Well. I’m here again, writing another review for another movie. It’s Halloween 4: The return or whatever of Michael Myers (actual title).

See, the movie makers decided to make Halloween 3 a totally new movie not involving Michael Myers. It’s ambitious. It’s about masks and subliminal messages. It sucked.

So, this movie is a sequel to Halloween 2. It’s about how that Loomis, the scarred up psychologist, wants to kill Myers. Sure enough, Myers escapes. He always escapes. Houdini much? Myers begins killing on the way back to the town they always go to.

This movie is set ten years after the original killing spree. Jamie Lee Curtis didn’t want to do the movie so they said she died in a car crash (they’ll later say she faked her own death to bring her back in H20). I start the movie late because I wasn’t paying attention when it came on AMC. You don’t get this type of review quality anywhere else.

The movie revolves around actors in their 30s playing teens. One of them is a baby sitter named Rachel, who is sitting for Jamie – niece or something of Michael Myers.

Loomis comes to Haddonfield and tells the inept cops that the serial killer has escaped. The sheriff acts like it’s nothing. Then Loomis SHOUTS and the sheriff takes it seriously. Myers slaughters everyone in the department and they can’t stop him, suggesting he was able to either withstand bullets or do stealth takedowns like Batman.

Myers is now supernaturally gifted and no longer human. Loomis states this. He states Myers, as a human, long ago died. So Myers must be possessed by a demon or maybe ole Satan himself! That bastard is always up to something! Why doesn’t God just kill him?

The sheriff and Loomis are driving around and come across three fucking IDIOTS in Michael Myers costumes! They almost get killed but then they shout “Don’t shoot MAAAYUN!” And run off. This would not ever occur except for scare purposes in a movie. The third guy with the mask is implied to have actually been Myers.

Myers shows up and completely ruins the sheriff’s house. Brady, the disloyal boyfriend of Rachel who she catches cheating on her, is too dumb to realize a double barrel shotgun only has two shots before you reload. Myers proceeds to lift him by the face. Then Michael moves his hand while the elevator keeps lifting the actor. It’s subtle but I saw it. It’s like the actor gets bored and has to move their hand a little, which would realistically be in a death grip to lift someone by the throat.

So earlier, some hillbillies posse’d up and decided to go kill Myers. They kill a homeless man on accident with about 300 shots. They encounter Rachel and Jamie at the school and take them with them. One of the bad actors is smiling in the back of the truck.

Myers has actually hidden under the truck and begins to kill the hillbillies. He rips one of their faces off and I laughed as loud as I could. Rachel, the actress, is spinning the steering wheel fully left and right while the vehicle is going straight, lol.

She ends up getting him off the damned truck. She drives toward him but Myers turns his body into a cloth dummy at the last minute. The dummy folds onto the hood of the truck you would see a Confederate flag on in 2019. Then, the camera cuts and then he’s flying backwards with all limbs stuck out.

The camera cuts away and back again, and he’s flying backwards AGAIN. For no reason, the authorities all show up. They would have had to of turned around for no reason two minutes after passing them on the way into town.

The dumb little girl Jamie decides to walk right up to Michael’s body and touch him! And of course, he sits up like the Undertaker. Is that where Taker got his sit up gimmick? They just tell her to get down and she does. Then, everyone in the county fires a gun at Myers. The sheriff’s gun is shooting actual fireworks out of it. Somehow, all of these shotgun shells and rounds aren’t hitting the child two feet in front of Myers. I saw a police shooting once where the cops shot their own dog like fools. That little girl would have been dead. Myers staggers backward, instead of instantly collapsing like people really do when shot. He falls in a fucking HOLE in the ground. Where was this???????

As we all go back safely to the house, Loomis confidently states Myers is dead and in Hell now. The little girl, who has been wearing a clown costume like young Michael’s in the original Halloween, is implied to murder Rachel. She stands there as Loomis screams and almost shoots her. The sheriff disarms him and the movie ends.

It’s a cheesy horror film but it’s also precisely what you pay for in a 1980s slasher. I enjoyed it and recommend it. I think it’s got all the right stuff for a Halloween movie including bad writing and bad acting. 6/10 movie.

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